Future Pet Shop-Chapter 40: I’ll Teach You to Sing

"Sigh, it seems this is the extent of your talent. You’re just miles behind me," Cheeky griped, clutching the fig platter. "A parrot of my refined tastes can’t possibly endure such simple songs for long. One or two days is one thing, but if you plan on fobbing me off with these tunes forever, it’s not going to fly."

’Pfft, you think I *want* to spend two hours a day singing children’s songs? Damn it, I’m at the age where people on the street are calling me "uncle"! Who enjoys this kind of thing? I’ve already sacrificed so much to serve your highness, and you’re still not satisfied? What the hell do you want?’

"Sigh, but you don’t like it when I sing other songs," Shen Yibin shrugged helplessly. "This is all I’ve got. I’m really not cut out to serve a master like you."

"My fate is truly tragic, to be saddled with an incompetent, cowardly, and lazy shop owner like you. It seems I’ll have to put in some extra effort myself." Cheeky spoke in the same helpless tone as Shen Yibin, pacing a few circles on the coffee table as if making a difficult decision. "Alright then, starting today, I will teach you how to sing. I hope your progress is satisfactory."

THUD. Shen Yibin practically fell to his knees. ’To feed Hah’Er, I learned to cook, and now I’m a top-tier amateur Sichuan Cuisine chef on par with a culinary school graduate. Now I have to learn singing from Cheeky. God knows what other high-maintenance pet I’ll get next. This is forcing me to become a freaking decathlete!’

"Though I’m an Amazon parrot from South America, if you insist on treating me with this traditional Eastern master-disciple ceremony, I suppose I don’t mind." Cheeky swaggered in front of Shen Yibin, perched on the ashtray, and crossed one leg over the other, striking a pose as if to accept a bow. "Ahem, right. Is this the part where you pour tea for me? There doesn’t seem to be any tea... Juice will suffice. I don’t mind the substitution!" 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝙚𝙬𝓮𝙗𝒏𝙤𝒗𝙚𝙡.𝒄𝒐𝓶

’Pour tea for my ass! I ought to dump this juice right on your head!’ Shen Yibin shot up from the floor, glaring furiously at Cheeky. That little bastard was an expert at exploiting any opening; let your guard down for a second and he’d take advantage.

"So, does this mean you don’t want to learn singing from me? If you don’t learn from me, do you plan to just keep fobbing me off with these children’s songs? Because I’ll get tired of songs of this quality very soon. When that happens, I won’t be able to eat or sleep well. Can you bear to see a smart, handsome, dashing, noble parrot with a beautiful voice like me fall ill and die a lonely death here?" Cheeky asked, adopting the tone of a male lead from a melodramatic soap opera.

"Stop!" ’That’s enough! I had to endure those damn melodramas every summer vacation growing up. That tone of voice is pure torture! At this rate, if I don’t agree, Cheeky will probably talk in that horrible voice twenty-four hours a day.’ "So... how exactly do you plan to teach me?" Shen Yibin surrendered. Who could possibly stand up to this?

"You haven’t poured my tea... oh, I mean, my juice yet." The little pest was pushing his luck. He went back to the ashtray and crossed his legs again.

"Teach me or don’t. No figs for you tonight. Hah’Er, let’s go. I’ll make you some Sichuan-style braised lamb." Shen Yibin pulled Hah’Er up and pretended to leave.

"Alright, alright! Although I am of noble birth, I’m not someone who’s overly concerned with etiquette." Having finally convinced Shen Yibin to learn singing from it, Cheeky didn’t dare push too hard. "So... which song do you want to start with? Pick a song and sing it through for me. I need to judge your vocal tone and singing technique."

"Let’s stick with the first song from before." Shen Yibin walked over to the karaoke machine and selected Jay Chou’s "East Wind Break" again. He took a sip of juice to soothe his throat, which already felt raw. After taking a few deep breaths to compose himself, he began to sing, "A lonely lamp of parting sorrow stands in the window, I pretend behind the door that you still haven’t left, revisiting old places feels even lonelier under the full moon, the candlelight, awake at midnight, can’t bear to blame me..."

Cheeky tilted its head and shook it constantly, as if unable to bear the terrible singing. But since it had to gauge Shen Yibin’s true ability, it forced itself not to interrupt. It occasionally muttered a few quiet words, seemingly judging the flaws in his performance.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. That was just awful. If I had to listen to singing of this caliber every day, it would definitely take ten years off my life." When the song was over, Cheeky was finally freed from its torture, shaking its head like a rattle drum. "You can’t hit the high notes, you can’t reach the low notes, your breathing has no flow... and most importantly, you were barely on key for a single note!"

’Ten years off his life? Amazon parrots have long lifespans—usually forty to fifty years. Some of the larger ones can live past sixty, and there are even records of them living over a hundred. I might not even outlive him. What are ten years to a creature like that?’

Of course, he could only think these things. It would be highly inappropriate to say them out loud. Even though Cheeky had torn his performance to shreds, Shen Yibin had to avoid being thrown in jail to "drop the soap," so he could only ask nicely, "So... what aspects do you think I should start with?"

"Someone like you, with absolutely no foundation, can only start with breathing and vocal warm-ups. Sigh, I’ll go through the trouble of teaching you three breathing exercises first." Cheeky flew onto the television, looking at Shen Yibin at eye level. "First method: breathe in slowly, then breathe out slowly. Inhale as if you’re smelling a flower, exhale as if you’re spinning silk. Come on, follow my rhythm. HOOO... HOOO..."

"HOOO... HOOO..." Shen Yibin began to learn according to the method Cheeky taught. Fortunately, this method wasn’t difficult, and he grasped the main points after a few tries.

"Second method: rapid inhales and exhales. HUFF-HUFF-HUFF-HUFF..." Compared to the previous one, this method was extremely unsightly.

"HUFF-HUFF-HUFF-HUFF..." Shen Yibin practiced it twice, then suddenly felt that something was wrong. "Uh, this breathing method... it’s just like... just like..."

"Just like an exhausted dog panting, right? Yep, you got it. This breathing method is called doggy-panting." Cheeky chuckled sinisterly. "Alright, you’re getting the hang of it, but the frequency isn’t fast enough. Keep practicing, and faster!"

’What the hell? I have to imitate a dog panting just to learn how to sing? This is so humiliating I could die!’ Despite the deep sense of humiliation, the practice had to continue. And so, the private room was instantly filled with the sound of rapid panting.

The sound carried outside, sparking another round of discussion among the servers. "Uh, are you guys sure the guest in that room only brought a panda in? No Golden Retriever, Labrador, or Shepherd or anything? Because I swear it sounds like there’s a dog in there."