Supreme Degenerate Lust System-Chapter 13: Really Mentally Ill!

'Already? Damn, that was fast... but lucky for me, I've got just the perfect move for this spicy snack... heh heh heh...'

Having dedicated the better part of his previous life to a PhD in Horny Arts — a.k.a. porn games, questionable websites, and late-night anime marathons — Alex had a mental library full of scenarios for moments like this.

If seduction was a chess game, he was about to play 4D chess with a side of grope checkmate.

Slurp~

He licked his lips slow enough to make a snake jealous, eyes locked on Sammy like she was the last slice of pizza at a stoner party.

But before he could put his master plan in motion, Sammy turned to the barman — her husband, apparently — and delivered a verbal smackdown so vicious it practically came with background music.

"At least I can see this 'penis with mucus infection,' while I'd need a magnifying glass to find yours..."

"OHHHHHHH!!!"

"GOT 'EM!!"

The tavern erupted like a frat party after finals. Some dude in the corner even choked on his drink, spraying ale like a busted fire hydrant.

Celeste clutched her stomach, wheezing, and Kriss was practically on his knees, pounding the floor in laughter.

Even Alex, who had been mentally preparing to get handsy, stood there with his jaw swinging loose like a broken barn door.

'Holy shit... this chick's sharper than my browsing history at 3 a.m.'

Meanwhile, poor Sam — the barman, not the insult assassin — stood there looking like a volcano seconds away from erupting.

His face had gone so red Alex half-expected his head to start whistling like a tea kettle.

'Damn... she didn't just roast him... she put his pride on a skewer, slathered it in BBQ sauce, and slow-cooked that sucker over an open flame.'

"Ho-honey..."

The big brute — who minutes ago was puffing his chest like a gorilla on steroids — had now shriveled into an embarrassed golden retriever that just got caught chewing the couch cushions. His voice was shaky, like he was explaining a broken vase he definitely didn't break.

"It's... it's not that small... I swear! She's just mad at me for mocking this... this... brain-dead scarecrow!"

Sam's attempt to salvage his ego crashed harder than a toddler driving a tricycle downhill. Alex's laugh exploded out of him like a trumpet possessed by a demonic goose.

"PFFF.... Little little mushroom... ha ha ha... Barman's tiny mushroom... hui hui huiii!"

He doubled over, practically convulsing in giggles.

His face turned red, his limbs flailed, and his laugh hit such a bizarre pitch that his companions instinctively reached for their weapons — half convinced he'd just been possessed by a banshee with asthma.

"Uh... is he... broken?"

Kriss whispered.

"I-I think so..."

Charlotte muttered, shifting uncomfortably.

'Relax, folks. Just putting on a show.'

Alex thought smugly, sneaking a wink at his crew — though they all looked more worried than reassured. Celeste seemed torn between giggling and dragging him to an exorcist.

Sammy chuckled as well, her laugh a rich, honey-sweet sound that somehow made Alex forget the fact he was pretending to be mentally unstable.

Now everyone was sure, there's something really wrong with this dude.

"You!!!"

Sam's sausage-sized finger shot out like a cannon, jabbing the air directly at Alex. The guy's face was redder than a tomato in a tanning booth, steam practically hissing from his ears.

But before Sam could charge in like an angry bull, Sammy's hand landed gently on his arm — the universal "calm your dumb ass down" gesture known to wives everywhere.

"Tend to the other customers, dear. Let me show these nice folks to their rooms now. Go on, before your blood pressure explodes."

Sam opened his mouth to protest but all that came out was a defeated grunt — the sound of a man who knew his place in the relationship pyramid.

Shoulders slumped, he stomped off to the counter like a toddler sent to bed without dessert.

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'Damn... big guy got leash-trained in real time...'

Alex mused, biting his tongue to keep himself from cackling like a lunatic again.

Then, Alric dropped 15 silver coins on the table with the casual grace of a man who's seen too many taverns and too few refunds.

Sammy swept the coins up with one fluid motion — part bartender, part pickpocket — before bending down to grab something from beneath the counter.

And oh boy... Mother of Gravity.

Her generous jugs swung forward like two cannonballs threatening to break free of their cloth prison.

Even the women in the group — Celeste included — turned red and averted their gaze like they'd accidentally walked in on someone changing.

The only one not looking away? Of course... Alex.

His eyes locked on her chest like a cat watching a laser pointer, and if his pants had pockets big enough, he'd be pitching a full-on circus tent in there.

"1, 2, 3... 6. Alright, here's six keys for six guests..."

Sammy's voice seemed far away — almost drowned out by the mental drumroll Alex's brain was playing.

"Come on, let's go, time is ticking. You!"

Sammy pointed at a woman behind the counter like she was commanding a soldier to man the cannons.

"Take over!"

Sammy rounded the table and was just about to pass Alex when — boom — he suddenly clutched his head and groaned like a footballer auditioning for an Oscar.

He staggered, then dropped to his knees like a tragic Shakespearean hero.

"Ugh...!"

Human instinct kicked in, and before anyone could think, both Sammy and Celeste, who was near him, rushed to his side — which conveniently involved their soft, pillowy chests colliding straight into his arms like airbags in a luxury car crash.

For a brief moment, Alex thought he'd ascended to Valhalla.

'Yes! Gimme the quest complete notification...I can feel her soft pillows on my arms....'

His grin threatened to crack his face in half, but he bit it back. After all, there was still one more objective left to complete.

'Tsk, tsk... Can't cheat this quest, huh? Fine, if I must touch, I'll touch with honor... and precision.'

The others knelt down as well, their faces painted with worry — completely unaware that Alex's mind was spinning like a heist movie plot, calculating the perfect moment to make his move.