My Alleged Husband-Chapter 1522 - 1316
The world should reflect your honest nature, but the youthful recklessness and the later wounds are all waiting for his forgiveness. It turns out you are my desire for redemption.
"Dad, I never thought about living this way, nor did I intend to hurt you like this. Doing such things is the greatest pain deep in my heart. I just want to give you the best of myself time and again, but I can’t. I don’t understand when I became like this. Step by step, I forced myself to the brink, only to find out that everything I did was wrong.
You’re very right, no one has wronged me, and no one has betrayed me. The one who betrayed was not you, but me. Time and again, I caused you the gravest harm. I forgot that it was you who gave me the warmest family and taught me what family and love mean. I have walked step by step to this point, and now I can’t distinguish who the real me is. I have lost my original intention; I’ve become numb and indifferent.
Maybe I really should learn what a man can or cannot do, but over the years, I have never regretted anything. The only ones I have wronged are you, the ones I hurt. Do you know? These things are actually my most painful memories deep down. I have forced myself into a corner time and time again because I am afraid—I am afraid of meeting you, afraid of bringing pressure onto myself over these things. Yet, I have never cared about your feelings; I neglected them—this is my greatest mistake in life!
As a father, you should resent me deep down because I, as your son, never gave you any care or support. Instead, I brought you a lot of sadness and pain. Over and over, I imposed all of my burdens on you, repeatedly discarding my unwanted things. Deep down, I had no sense of the world; I never considered what I should or should not do.
Sometimes I just want to live a peaceful life, but why is it so hard? Whom did I offend?
Is it true that all the harm and pain I have suffered is deserved? Do you mean to say that each time you suffered my abandonment and betrayal was all my fault? Are all my actions truly unforgivable? What have I been to you in your world? Even if I give my all time and again, what difference does it make in your hearts? I am nothing. I don’t even count as a member of this family. Time and again I pulled myself from the abyss of pain, hoping to find happiness and joy, but all I ended up with was more despair.
I really don’t know how many more such days and nights I have to endure. I have lost count of how many such nights and days I’ve spent. Through mental torment, I live tenaciously, struggling upward because I’m scared—scared that the moment I relax, I will collapse completely. I dare not let my nerves slacken even a little. I turned myself into a wooden man, showing no emotion toward anything, with only that indifferent face.
When everyone thought I was a wooden man, when all believed I didn’t deserve to be a man, I did not give up my dream because I knew, deep down, that even if I could do without everything, even if nothing else mattered, I must care about these things. I want to turn everything about myself into the best things in the world, to have everyone who looked down on me bow down time and again, just like my son. But I can’t do it. My abilities are not as good as my son’s, my energy isn’t either, and all my efforts seem futile. I don’t know how he did it, but I know he’s endured a lot of hardship and suffering, subjected to others’ torment time and again. I can never imagine how heartbreaking that must be.
You are my father. Time and again, I long for you to give me the warmest response, to let me remain in this warm family, even if the end result leaves me battered and alone, even if I can only weep in a corner, I won’t give up easily. Yet in the end, I found that no matter what I did, I couldn’t get the best result. I kept imposing my most painful memories on everyone, not considering whether others would suffer because of what I did. I only thought I was doing it to get back at others, at society, at those who once wronged me, those who once wanted to hurt me!"
Zhang Yichen suddenly found this kind of father terrifying. It hardly seemed like his own father, who used to be so weak. Why would he suddenly say such things, making Yichen, as his son, feel a bit frightened and unable to understand?
He didn’t understand how much pressure he gave to his father to make him change in an instant. Were his actions really faultless? He used to repeatedly accuse his father of doing outrageous things that hurt everyone deeply, but when he recalls the words and actions toward his father, couldn’t they also be hurtful? Maybe one should live considering others’ feelings—time and again, putting one’s burden on others only brings results we least want to see. Results that may be normal from others’ perspectives, but from one’s own are the most painful.
"I think no one should say anything anymore. Everyone should live the life they want the most. No one should bear this pain alone. It’s enough for everyone to live happily. Why make oneself so tired? Why drag everyone down because of one’s little unhappiness?
You are all my family. Please don’t hurt each other; the ultimate harm will always come back to us, the ones who suffer most are still we, as one family!"
Everything awaits him, to slowly forgive all of it.
