(BL) Hunting The Field Guide-Chapter 456: No more apologising

Kellen wasn’t aware how long he had been crying into Rhys’ arms, only that the man hadn’t turned him away, hadn’t pushed him away. That was something that Kellen was grateful for, holding onto the other man tightly.

Kellen felt like if he spoke right now, it would be garbled nonsense, so he just kept sobbing, holding onto the other man.

Rhys eventually let him go, pulling back to wipe at Kellen’s eyes.

"Sugar, Kellen, please stop crying. Your sobs are breaking my heart." Rhys whispered and Kellen tried to control himself. Reign himself in, but he just sobbed quieter, softer, and Rhys’ blurry expression only darkened. "Baby." Rhys murmured, pressing his lips against Kellen’s cheeks.

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry." Kellen repeated. "I never wanted you to feel this way." Kellen whispered, torn. Rhys was holding him, the two of them sitting on the ground near the window in the dark. "I’m just trying so hard to not be pessimistic about this. I can’t." Kellen whispered. "I have to believe that everything is going to be okay. I’m sorry that I’m hurting you." Kellen felt like a part of him broke saying that. "I never imagined something like this would happen to us."

Rhys’ sigh made Kellen flinch until the man pressed his lips to the corner of Kellen’s mouth.

"I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have...I shouldn’t have pushed. I know this is a lot for you. I know. I just...I can’t live without you, Kellen." Rhys’ voice cracked, and Kellen shattered.

"I can’t live without you either, but I need you outside of the gate. If this was any other mission, any other circumstance, I would want you by my side. I can’t." Kellen cut off, his breath caught up in a sob as he even imagined it. "No. I can’t." He was shaking his head again and Rhys held him.

"Sh. It’s okay. It’s okay." Rhys whispered, holding him and Kellen was shaking.

"How do we recover from this? I don’t want you hating me. I don’t want you thinking I’m choosing my family over you. I don’t want you to suffer too. I’m trying. This isn’t just for me. I’m trying to get our people, Rhys. I just...If you got poisoned and I couldn’t-" Kellen cut off, sobbing. "I don’t like thinking about it. It makes me ill imagining it." Kellen knew this wasn’t fair. He wasn’t being fair.

Rhys had to let him go. He’d had to let so many people go. Gunther, Hill, Casper, and who knows who else Rhys had gotten attached to and made his family. Kellen gripped onto him, finally getting it at the worst imaginable time what he was asking of Rhys.

"I’m sorry. I don’t want to ask this of you. I hate that I’m added to the list of people you have to wait for. I’m so sorry." A new wave of tears came, and Rhys shuddered.

He didn’t say anything, holding onto Kellen as he cried not just for himself, but for them. Rhys just held him and that alone was enough to make the tears hurt more.

Eventually, Kellen just didn’t have anything else to give. He sat there, numb, Rhys’ arms around him, his hands patting soothing circles into his back and Kellen felt like he’d drained every emotion out of his body.

"Rhys?" Kellen asked softly, his voice rough from his sobs. He would have winced if he’d had the energy.

"Yes, Kellen?" Rhys asked. Quiet, careful. Kellen opened his mouth and asked the question.

"Do you hate me?" Kellen asked. Silence. Kellen closed his eyes, letting the silence wash over him. Of course he would. He was the reason that they were in this whole mess. If he wasn’t so selfish, so stupid, so stubbor-

"How could you ask me that?" Rhys’ voice cracked as he grabbed Kellen’s face with both hands, tilting his face back. Rhys scanned Kellen’s face, taking in the way that Kellen’s eyes looked dead, devoid of most emotions. The only ones that lingered made Rhys’ heart scream in pain. "I could never hate you, Kellen. Even if you ripped my heart out with your bare hands. I could never hate you." Kellen raised his hand up, gripping onto Rhys’ wrist, his hand shaking.

"You should. You really should. I’m doing the same fucking thing everyone else does to you." Rhys’ expression crumbled.

"You aren’t like them. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out the way that I did. I should have known you were more fragile then you were letting on. I’m so-"

"-Don’t apologise!" Kellen didn’t know where the shout came from, and even Rhys flinched. "I don’t know much about relationships, but I do know we’re supposed to tell each other our feelings. I want to hear when you’re upset with me. Don’t put that wall there." Kellen didn’t even know what he was saying but Rhys met Kellen’s gaze and nodded, swallowing thickly.

"Alright Kellen. I understand. I won’t apologise for that. Can I...apologise for not being strong enough to hear your feelings on this before now?" Rhys asked and Kellen nodded slightly, dropping his gaze, still holding onto his wrists.

"Yeah. You can apologise for that." Kellen mumbled and Rhys leaned in, pressing his forehead against Kellen’s. Their breaths mingled, and Kellen wasn’t sure what to say or do.

After a long moment, Rhys sighed loudly. It made Kellen jump.

"We should eat the food you had delivered. It won’t do either of us any good if we aren’t fueled. Especially if you’re going in the gate." Kellen felt like the man had just stabbed him in the heart. He was being so understanding, so kind. Kellen felt like such a fucking asshole.

"I made sure to get some stuff you could eat." Kellen mumbled and Rhys sighed.

"Of course you did. You care for me a lot." Kellen felt like he could cry again when Rhys said it softly like that. Kellen sniffed, sure he looked like a mess but Rhys didn’t care. He tilted Kellen’s face up, kissing his lips softly before pulling back. The yellow of his gaze was soft, warm.

Kellen opened his hand, reaching up to cup Rhys’ face. Rhys leaned into the touch, his eyes open as he stared into Kellen’s eyes. Kellen felt his face crumple, unable to cry anymore.

"I love you so much it hurts." Kellen told him softly and Rhys’ expression grew serious.

"Kellen," Rhys started but Kellen cut him off.

"I think I’ve always loved you like this. I think, because I’ve always thought that I would never get here, I was able to compartmentalize how much I was going to hurt you." Kellen told him quietly. "I’ve realised what I’m doing to you now. I-" Rhys pulled him in, pressing their lips together.

It was a hard kiss. Full of teeth, tears, and snot. It wasn’t romantic, or cute. Just jagged, full of the harsh words they had spoken between them.

"Enough. No more of this." Rhys whispered when he pulled away. "We’re only hurting each other more, and neither of us want that. This is...this is our current reality, and we’re just going to have to hope that someone else bites and wants to go into the gate." Rhys wasn’t even trying to convince himself at this point. They both knew the reality, and both knew that it was going to be Kellen. Rhys was just trying not to be as pessimistic as Kellen.

"Okay." Kellen agreed softly.

"Yeah?" Rhys asked and Kellen nodded, swallowing.

"Yeah." Kellen agreed and slowly, they both got to their feet. Both of them had a hard time standing, the awkward position they had been sitting in numbing their legs. It was the first time the two of them had laughed in what felt like years, but had to be hours.

They fumbled, trying to use the couch to hold themselves up and just kept stumbling slightly. Kellen looked back at Rhys, seeing him smile and laugh, and a knowing settled in his gut. He didn’t think he’d be able to convey to him properly that he was sure he was going to make it out. What condition would he be in? That he couldn’t promise, but he knew that if he went into that gate, he was making out alive.

He also needed to take that last step with Rhys. He needed to make sure that he had tasted everything Rhys had to offer. It would...spur him on. Keep him moving. Keep him alive. He didn’t know how Rhys would feel about this.

God, he was actually nervous to ask him about it. He felt like Rhys wouldn’t turn him away, ever, until this happened. Now he felt like Rhys could turn him away.

Kellen swallowed, staring at the laughing face of Rhys until Rhys caught him staring and his expression flattened out. Turning more into confusion then anything else.

"Kellen? Why are you staring at me like that?" Rhys asked and Kellen swallowed. He blinked a few times before he finally said it.

"I want to sleep with you before I go into the gate." Kellen told him and Rhys’ eyes widened.

"You want to what?" Rhys asked, his grip so tight on the edge of the couch that Kellen heard it creak in protest. Kellen continued speaking.

"I don’t want to go into the gate not knowing what it feels like. I don’t want to go into the gate and not know everything I can about you. What you feel like inside of me." Rhys’ face iced over. freewēbnoveℓ.com

"Kellen, don’t you think that’s a bit too cruel? You’re asking me to taste you for the first time and then you might-" Rhys cut himself off and Kellen shook his head.

"I’m making it out. I’m not going to do that to you. You have to...to trust me." Kellen said and Rhys stared at him before he let out a deep, deep sigh.

"This wasn’t exactly how I wanted to make love to you the first time." Rhys told him and Kellen swallowed. His arms and legs felt shaky as they spoke.

"I know. It was supposed to be in a few more days, but...we don’t have that kind of time anymore." Kellen told him. Rhys stared at him, before his gaze narrowed.

"You don’t seem too upset about this." Rhys said cautiously and Kellen let out a nervous laugh. He tore his gaze away from Rhys, feeling a little nervous.

"Well I...I’ve been wanting to go the whole way with you for a while." Kellen said. "I was just waiting for you to...say something." Kellen muttered and the sigh that left Rhys’ mouth had him flinching.

"Damn it Kellen! If I knew that, I would have-no! I’m not getting mad at you for this. There’s no point. You’re not capable of making a gate do this, and neither am I. It’s...okay. Do you want to do it tonight? I need to prepare myself." Rhys said and Kellen raised his head again.

"Tomorrow? They’re going to give it a day before...probably turning back to me." Rhys frowned.

"You want to go into the gate sore? That doesn’t sound like a good idea, Kellen." Rhys told him and Kellen blinked.

"But you’ve worked hard to make it easy for me." Kellen said and Rhys’ eyes widened, before he flushed. He covered his face with a hand, his hand trembling slightly.

"Fuck." Rhys didn’t say anything else or move for a moment. "Alright. Okay. Tomorrow. Not tonight." Rhys muttered and Kellen nodded.

"Let’s...eat dinner now." Kellen said and Rhys nodded. Kellen could feel his heart racing in his chest. Tomorrow. Tomorrow they would be one.

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