(BL) Hunting The Field Guide-Chapter 455: I’m sorry I can’t change

"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you." Rhys whispered quietly, his voice sounding tired. Torn. Kellen swallowed, brushing away the little hurt he felt from the way he’d grabbed him.

"It’s okay. Why are you in the dark, Baby?" Kellen asked softly, and Rhys’ gaze shifted slightly. He scanned Kellen, his eyes roaming him before he sighed and turned his gaze towards the window behind him.

"I just...everything else was too bright. I just needed to rest my eyes." He said and Kellen nodded. He could understand that. Or at least attempt to understand that.

"Alright. That’s fine. I was just worried about you." Kellen told the other man and Rhys’ grip on his wrist tightened.

"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to add more to your worries." Rhys sounded sad. Quiet. That only worried Kellen more.

"Baby, what’s going on? Did something happen?" Kellen asked and Rhys closed his eyes, the yellow globes disappearing and Kellen felt his body tense.

"Sergei’s not doing well. Even with the guiding, his emotions are making his powers run rampant. He’s doing his best, but even he agrees he should just be put under temporarily. So that’s one Captain down. Green’s going to do it because she’s the highest level healing Esper on the front lines right now. Everyone else agreed." Kellen felt his heart ache. Oh Sergei.

"That’s not good." Kellen muttered quietly and Rhys let out a soft exhale.

"Hearing that made me realise...I’m going to have to do the same thing." Rhys said quietly. As soon as he said the words, the big thing hanging between them got even bigger. The air felt tense, harder to breathe. Kellen gulped.

"Y-You wouldn’t-"

"I would." Rhys said. It held no emotion, and that worried Kellen more. "So I tried to think of other options. I can’t...I can’t see your future Kellen. We’re too intertwined and I can’t see it." Rhys said quietly and it broke his heart. Kellen reached out his other hand, placing it on Rhys’ chest.

"Baby. I know you’re worried, but I...I offered it up to others first." Kellen told him and Rhys let out a shuddering breath.

"You and I both know that it could mean nothing. This is a dangerous mission, and most of the Field Guides on our front lines pulled back from helping after Carter Scott got swallowed whole by the gate. While I...appreciate that you gave over control, that was just you giving yourself more time. I know you’re going in that gate." Kellen felt some damp plop onto his hand and Kellen felt his heart squeeze. Fuck. The big guy was crying again.

Kellen felt his own eyes water.

"I can’t change who I am." Kellen said softly. More forlorn than anything else. He hated that he was causing Rhys this kind of pain.

"What...what if I went in with you?" Rhys asked. "What if we did it together?" He asked and Kellen’s body rejected that before he even knew.

He was shaking his head, his hands shaking almost immediately. The words left his mouth without thought, without processing them.

"No. No you can’t. I can’t have you in there with me." Kellen’s lips trembled as he thought about it. Absolutely not. He couldn’t. His hand shook, and Rhys’ grip tightened on it.

"Why? Why can’t I be there with you? Kellen, you want to go in there on your own. I understand that that’s how you normally work, but I hate the idea of you being in there alone. I-"

"-I won’t be alone. There are others in there that I need to rescue." Kellen protested and Rhys sighed.

"Yes. But they’ll be injured potentially. They won’t be able to help you like I will." Rhys said and Kellen shivered. He didn’t like having this conversation. It didn’t make him feel good. He felt like he was vibrating and his whole body was rejecting this concept. It was the same thing that happened when he’d been confronted by his former friends.

"No, Rhys. You’re a fucking Captain. I can’t just-"

"-And you are my partner! My pair! How the hell am I going to manage while you are in the gate? Are you asking me to be guided by others? When it fucking hurts to accept anyone else’s guiding but yours?" Kellen flinched. Visibly shaking as they continued this conversation.

"I-I-" He really hadn’t thought that far. He thought that...Rhys would just wait for him, but that wasn’t a fair ask either. Kellen didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how long he would be in the gate, but he hated Rhys coming into the gate with him on a visceral level.

Kellen dropped his head, unable to meet Rhys’ gaze.

"I didn’t think. I didn’t want to. I’m not going to be gone that long." Kellen whispered and Rhys snorted.

"Not gone long? Are you insane? Kellen, I have never questioned how good of a Field Guide you are. I know you’re good. That’s not the issue here. You’re telling me that you, a Field Guide who has never gone into a fluctuating gate before is going to rush in, save everyone, touch the core of the dungeon so that everyone can leave, all on your first time inside of a dungeon that no one has lived to explain what it looks like on the inside? Kellen. Please. I know you’re good, but I’m not even that good. Not alone." It was a good argument. Kellen knew it was.

That didn’t change how he felt.

He was shaking his head, his head still hung as his breathing worsened.

"No. I can’t. You can’t come in with me." Kellen said. He was sure he didn’t sound okay. He didn’t feel okay. All of his emotions were swirling inside of him, compressing him down. He’d been able to hold himself together when his Mom had hurt him with her words, he’d been able to hold himself together when Hill had looked at him like he was betraying her and Rhys, he had been able to hold it together when everyone had looked at him with pity.

This? This was his breaking point.

"No. No! You can’t-you can’t come in with me!" Kellen repeated, snapping his head back. "I can’t have you in there with me. You’ll...You’ll distract me." Kellen didn’t mean the last part. There was no way that Rhys would be able to distract him from his job. Or maybe he would. He wasn’t sure. He was just certain he couldn’t have him in there.

Kellen couldn’t see Rhys’ face, and that only made this conversation worse. He also couldn’t look deeper at his face. He was sure the man was upset. Hurt. It didn’t feel good having someone tell you over and over that you couldn’t come with them. Especially if they were someone you cared about.

Kellen just couldn’t.

"Why? Why Kellen? Give me a reason. I need to know why, because I can’t send my boyfriend into that fucking gate on his own when I can’t even see his future! I don’t see you making it out of the gate, Kellen. I don’t see it! I’m a fucking nervous wreck, and I just want to be there with you! Life holds no fucking meaning if you aren’t in it!" Kellen hated hearing Rhys say that.

Tears poured down his face as the impact hit him right in the chest. The man was saying he’d die if Kellen didn’t come out. Kellen’s hand on his chest tightened, grasping him.

"I-I’m going to make it out." Kellen told him. There was a lack of strength to his words, and that only made Rhys laugh darkly.

"Oh yeah? How are you so certain? No one else has made it out yet, why do you have this fucking conviction that you are going to be different? I know you’re special, but I can’t-why are you asking this of me? Why are you pushing me so far to the fucking edge? Why can’t you just choose me?" Kellen sobbed, his heart breaking hearing those words from Rhys’ mouth.

"I am! I am choosing you!" Kellen sobbed and Rhys sighed.

"No, you aren’t. You’re choosing your job, your family, everyone over me." Rhys’ words, the way he said them had Kellen panicking. He gripped onto his shoulder, his other hand twisting to grab his hand.

"No. No! That’s not-I’m not-Rhys. I’m not choosing them over you. I-I love you. I just..." Kellen couldn’t utter the words. They were caught in his throat, choking him. Silencing him.

Rhys let the silence hang in between them for a moment before he asked.

"You just what, Kellen? You’re fine accepting everything I give you as long as it doesn’t affect your life?" Kellen shook his head at his cold words. That wasn’t it. This wasn’t it. He didn’t want this conversation to go this way.

"No! I like that you make yourself bigger in my life. I have never...this isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go." Kellen said brokenly. "I don’t know what is the right thing to say."

"There is no right thing to say. Just admit that you’re choosing your family over me. I get it." Kellen shook his head violently.

"No! I’m not! Why the fuck would I want you to go into the gate with me? I already know it’s going to be dangerous!" Kellen was shouting, unable to keep his emotions in check. Rhys was shouting too.

"How the fuck do you think I feel? You’re not giving me any other options, Kellen! You know better than anyone else how dangerous the gate is, and you’re practically foaming at the mouth to get in there! How else am I supposed to view this? Huh?" Kellen’s shoulders shook as the sobs left his mouth.

"I can’t lose you too!" Kellen finally shouted. "I can’t, Rhys. I can’t! If you’re outside of the gate, I’ll know you’re safe. I can’t bring you in with me. What if something terrible happens to you inside? I need to know you’re safe. I’ve already...I’ve already lost so many people. I won’t survive if I lose you too." Kellen sobbed, his legs giving out as the words took all of his strength.

Rhys caught him as he fell, both men going to their knees as Kellen sobbed.

"I’m not choosing them over you. How could you say that? You mean so fucking much to me. Too much. I need to know that you’re outside, safe. I need to know that I have something to come home to, because if I find Gwen and she’s...she’s gone, I don’t know if I’ll have the strength without you on the other side to come back." Kellen whispered, and Rhys shuddered.

"Oh sugar." Rhys whispered quietly as Kellen sobbed.

"Don’t follow me in. Please. Please don’t follow me in. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m hurting you like this. I know I can’t change. I’m sorry." Kellen was sobbing, falling apart as Rhys wrapped his arms around him. Holding him. Kellen could feel how his body was also shaking and Kellen just wished this was all some terrible nightmare and he was going to wake up soon.

Please. Just let him wake up soon.

Updated from fr𝒆ewebnov𝒆l.(c)om