The Butcher of Gadobhra-Chapter 550: Blackmail Most Foul

Inquisitor Diego was happy to see the two Senior Engineers of the school standing near the Gadobhra teleport stone as he pulled his small cart off of it. He waved jovially, noticing that the two were in an argument. Their whispers came to his old ears easily.

"I tell you. He is dangerous. It would have been so easy to get rid of him."

"Hmm, really? And alert the rest of the Inquisition? You may enjoy being hunted, but I'm enjoying not having to watch my back and wondering if someone will toss me into prison. So no, as to making this Inquisitor disappear, I don't think so. Besides, I like him."

"He annoys me."

"Which is one of the reasons I like him. My wives like him as well."

"Shush your treasonous mouth, he's coming this way, time to act innocent."

"...as if you knew how..."

"Greetings, Inquisitor. Did you have a good time in the Capital? I see you have a full cart of rolled paper. Posters of the Emperor to adorn the town? Or maybe some secret plans for something you shouldn't show anyone?"

Diego waved negligently at the cart, "Oh, nothing exciting. It was a fairly boring trip. I have to report now and then, but beyond reporting a few boring numbers about groats and salted meat, this city really has nothing interesting I have to bother the Emperor with. But, the new wanted posters were available from the print shop, so I took the liberty of absconding with their proof copies after the Emperor approved them. They'll be printing these up next week. Really top notch stuff this year. The larger cities, which includes Gadobhra now, will get the full color, poster-sized editions. The smaller ones for all the villages and the numbered collector's editions will come out in a month or two. Always exciting to see who's at the top of the list each year."

Damien began to twitch and clench his hands. Vladimir noticed. "I don't suppose we could invite you into the College for a cup of warm tea and some biscuits? We'd love to have a peek at them. As you say, always exciting to see who is on the list."

To his surprise, the old man nodded his head and began pulling his cart toward the college. "Why, that sounds wonderful. These old legs aren't what they used to be, and pulling this cart has tired me out. A cup of tea sounds perfect." The three of them retired to the interior of the Engineering Collegium. The bottom floor was a mess of tables with half finished projects Damien was tinkering on, but in one corner was a fireplace, and small kitchen. Three heavy iron teapots in the dwarven style were on the stove, small bits of steam coming from them, and a variety of Elven teas were displayed on lovely carved wooden shelves. Vladimir pulled the Inquisitors cart to the kitchen, and began preparing tea for the two of them.

Damien pulled out a bottle of snazzleberry liqueur, poured a mug and added a teabag to it. He looked at a table where his latest death ray project was half assembled, kicking himself for not being prepared. He was also fidgeting with curiosity like a three year old waiting for his pudding. "How does the list look this year?"

Diego smiled, "Splendidly. I think the committee did a fine job, especially with the focus on some of the latest criminals. It get's hard for people to care about what happened a hundred leagues away and forty years ago. Take for example this one. The Iron Sheik of Khartoqua is now on the run and wanted for his crimes. He comes in at Most Wanted number Seventeen. Just look at the detail work on this one. They researched the building style, the clothing, and used several eye witnesses to get his face just right."

The large poster unrolled to show a hard looking villain in desert style robes with jeweled rings and a laughing, leering visage. At his feet were dozens of starving children.

Vladimir was impressed with the artwork and the coloring. "This is nicely done. You must have looked far and wide for these artists. Some of them have studied with my mother's people. The brushstrokes are unmistakable."

Damien was impressed as well, but wouldn't allow himself to show it. "A ten-thousand gold piece reward? I've never heard of him. How many of those children did he kill."

Diego looked surprised, "Oh, none of them. That would be truly monstrous. Those are his children. He's wanted for not paying child support."

"CHILD SUPPORT?!"

"Why, yes. He has bragged of marrying over a hundred women, and keeping most of them happy. That's how he earned his title of Iron Sheik. But he sent many of them away when the cost of raising a few hundred children got to expensive. The wives complained to the Emperor, who validated their marriages and declared that the Sheik needed to provide for all of them equally. He screamed and rode off into the desert. Currently, his lands are being distributed to his ex-wives and children."

"But...but..."

Vladimir said, "Hush, my brother in Engineering. I can see the Emperor's wisdom here. He is setting an example for other nobles who act badly. Can we see more of these, Diego, my newest friend?"

"Certainly. Here's Otto Pang at number twelve. Wanted for creating a fast growing, giant tulip. Beautiful to look at, but they cause the most hideous allergies in most people. And at number eleven, we have the Mad Baker of Mootwallow, a goblin that set up shop in a village of halflings. He brought one-hundred and sixty-two pies to the harvest fest, laced with extract of poppy. He put the entire town to sleep and while his gang ransacked it for loot, he shaved their feet. The town is so ashamed of how they look that no one mentioned the affair for over a year until their feet were presentable again."

This brought a chuckle from Damien, and a horrified look from Vladimir. "Such deviltry certainly needs to be punished. But, I have to wonder sir, about the true villains. Certainly those are at the top?"

Diego nodded, "Absolutely. Some villains are so despicable that their crimes are never forgotten. They become the boogey men that parents use to scare their children. Like Titania, the Axe Witch, she comes in at number seven this year. Just look at how the artist depicted her 'evil eye', splendid work. But, let me show you the worst of the worst. They had four artists working on this poster and it will be going up all over the empire, and hanging murals on all the big government buildings." He unsealed a singled poster, and his voice dropped low, "I give you...."

Damien leaned forward in anticipation.

"Captain Oglesby, stealer of children, despoiler of candy shops, and general all-around bad guy."

Damien screamed, "Oglesby? Fat Oggy? That's your number one villain?"

The Inquisitor looked puzzled, "Sir, I'm not sure what you think the face of evil looks like, but this year, it is this jolly-faced villain. He sweeps into town on his wind-powered wheel-ship on St. Swithin's Day, throwing candy and presents to the cheers of children. They tour his ship, get free pirate hats and sword lessons. The parents are herded at sword point and locked into a barn. Every sweet in the town and every cookie is stolen, along with the dozen most adventurous children. They sail on as his new crew and have adventures for a year. It doesn't matter that he drops them off at the next town and steals another crew, they are scarred for life. Belligerent, adventurous, without a lick of caution and a heavy dose of self worth. Most leave to become adventurers at a young age, breaking their mother's hearts. Truly, a villain of stupendous evil."

Damien was beside himself with anger, and his mustache was half falling off. "You old fool. Where am I....I mean, where is the dastardly villain, Damien Franklin, on this list."

"Damien who?"

"Argh...Vladimir, where did you hide my second best death ray?"

Diego sipped his tea and grinned. "Just joking. What would a Most Wanted List be without Damien Franklin? People have collected him for years. Not many, but some. Can't disappoint them just because the old thief isn't doing anything worth talking about lately. We made a special poster for him, and got Robbie Fieldly to do the illustration. It doesn't look too bad."

He unrolled a small, black and white poster of a man that didn't look at all like Damien, except for a copy of the comically large mustache and fake nose he'd been using for a disguise lately. At the bottom it said. "Wanted for jaywalking, and tax fraud. Considered slightly dangerous. Ten Gold Piece Reward."

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

"That doesn't look anything like me. The feet are all wrong, the knees are pointed, and the eyes are crossed!! What sort of travesty is this."

Diego calmly said. "One that will be all over the empire by the end of the month, unless the two of us can come to terms over a small project that the Emperor wants done. You can't even slow it up by killing me. He promised to double the print run if that happens."

Vladimir began laughing, rolling on the ground, weeping tears of joy, his Elven heritage appreciating the use of art as a weapon. Damien looked ready to kill. "Me? Work for the Emperor? Why would I ever agree to that? I'd lose any credibility with the Secret Society of Villains. I'd be seen as a lap dog like those idiots in the Mages Guild."

Diego shook his head. "And we can't have that. After all, it really is about your reputation? Isn't it? Both as an insane genius that can do things no one else can do, and as a villain with no equal."

Damien glared at him. "You're blackmailing me? The Emperor is stooping to besmirching my reputation and holding it over my head to get me to do his bidding? And you, a lily-white Inquisitor is ok with this?"

Diego grinned at him. "I'm going to enjoy this like I've enjoyed nothing else, including tricking the Old Wolf. The only thing that saddens me is that only you, I, your partner here, and the Emperor will be the only people who know about it. But yes, blackmail it is, dark and evil with malice aforethought, and a collection of wanted posters created just to drive you crazy. Be assured these will go up, and your reputation will plummet. We may even put up a statue to you in a public square."

Damien glared, fumed, then seemed to accept the inevitable and shrugged, "Well, at least we've nailed that down. I suppose I can live with making the Emperor compromise his morals to get what he wants. He's been entirely too competent and goody-two-shoes for my liking. It's nice to see he has a corrupt side. Now, tell me what the so-called Emperor need done? Monsters created? Someone disposed of messily and quietly? Maybe a small castle melted down?"

"Oh, far worse." Diego dumped out a collection of components for assembling a teleportation device. "Firstly, he'd like this Engineering Collegium to begin making all of these components in large quantities. Next, I have the schematics for ten teleport stones he needs carved. All small ones, Tier one and Tier two. I'm sure the Baron can be enlisted to help and supply some of his workers with metallurgy skills. And of course, your nephew, if he ever returns from playing around with the Old Wolf would be of great use."

Vladimir looked at the plans. "Ooooh, this will be fun. I have a new set of dragon claw tools I've been itching to try out. Consider me on board. You won't even have to blackmail me." 𝚏𝗿𝗲𝐞𝐰𝚎𝕓𝐧𝚘𝘃𝗲𝐥.𝐜𝚘𝕞

Diego looked at Vladimir. "I'm just getting started. Granted, we do need those parts. The Mages and Artisans guilds have never liked the idea of mass production and keep using apprentices to fill orders. One of the reasons for the decrease in quality over the last century. But, all of this is simply to confuse people, mostly the Mages Guild, and hide your actual project."

Both Diego and Vladimir looked at each other, considered the size of the job Diego had said was simply window dressing, and became more intrigued. Damien leaned forward, "We're listening. But for something truly shocking, it will take more than a few wanted posters."

Diego nodded. "So we assumed. Emperor Gustavus needs you to repair the mana syphoning apparatus corrupted by Winter and destroyed by the Dragon."

Both men blinked and sat down. Vladimir became lost in thought and started sketching. Damien looked at him, annoyed, "You can't start working! We're still in the Threats and Negotiation stage."

Vladimir looked up. "Oh, right. My apologies...but I have some ideas...anyway, what's in it for me, Diego?"

The old Inquisitor smiled, "So glad you asked. First, a pardon, although Gustavus is actually appalled at what the Mages Guild did to you. But it may come in handy. He is adamant that you find a way to construct the syphon without something that can be turned into a prison. To aid you in that, he also pardons your wives for anything real or imagined they were accused of. Three quarters of Baron Ordo Fallowstone's lands, including the area of the ruined syphon and the ruins of Crystalthorne, are ceded to them. It's a bit chilly there now, but fixing the syphon will go a long way to winning the war. If you so choose, he will also publicly thank you for your work and bestow the title of Baron upon you to give you an equivalent title to that of your wives, who will automatically rise to the level of Baroness as they accept their lands. That is up to you."

"I'm in, they'll be thrilled. Thank you, Inquisitor."

"Damn it, Vladimir. You gave in too quickly." Damien was both appalled at his partner's lack of negotiating skills, and impressed that the Emperor was giving him everything he wanted. "I'm not so easily fooled, Inquisitor. Take your best shot, and please, nothing about being publicly thanked."

Diego leaned back in his chair and shook his head. "Never. No one would believe him, and they'd begin looking for mind control devices. He offers you this." A large and garish poster was unrolled. "Wanted, Damien Franklin: Public Enemy Number One. For crimes against the Empire, the natural order, and humanity, the warping of magic into diabolical SCIENCE!, betrayal of the Franklin family, and high treason." The madman in the picture was surrounded by burning buildings, his mechanoids and monsters chasing innocent townsfolk while he laughed. It portrayed a devilishly handsome man who looked nothing like Damien at all.

"Gustavus told me that if you wanted any other crimes listed that I should take them down."

Damien held it up. "I'll try to think of something, but this is so perfect in its vagueness that I think it will do. They'll invent things in their minds. But...What else?"

Diego had been ready for this. "Upon completion of the work on the teleportation system, and the completion of a working syphon to power it, the Emperor will assemble all of the High Mages for an important conference. At the last moment, Captain Darman will announce that you have kidnapped and hidden the Emperor, threatening to blow him up unless you are allowed to speak in his stead. You will appear suddenly, and have one uninterrupted hour to speak to the assembled mages and tell them what you think of them."

"ZOUNDS! That's ... my, I've dreamed of that. But let's talk fine details. What prevents them from leaving, or trying to apprehend me?"

"I mentioned Captain Darman would be there. He will inform them that not sitting and listening to your rant endangers the Emperor's life, and will be considered treason. He can be quite forceful about things. At the end of an hour, the Emperor and his bodyguards will burst into the room, probably dressed in Red Robes. They will accuse you of a list of new crimes and drag you away in chains."

Damien sneered, "You think I won't have an escape plan?"

"Oh, we know you will have one. But we aren't going to help, and we'll do our best to stop you. We can hardly be seen to help you escape."

Damien grinned. "An hour? A full hour? I'll want a big clock on the wall, counting down my time and the Emperor's life."

"Yes. Granted"

"Uninterrupted?"

"Of course. They'll have to sit and endure you as you show them how much smarter you are than them. The irony is, they'll never fully understand how true that is."

"And what does the Emperor think?"

Diego gestured to the posters, the schematics, and the components. "He already knows how smart and skilled the two of you are. He had this plan ready when I arrived. He'd never sully his hands to blackmail a lesser evil. He needs this job done by the best that their is."

Vladimir looked at Damien, "We were talking about starting a big project, remember?"

"Yes. Yes we were. And this is even bigger. We get to play with forces no man was meant to control, confound Ordo Fallowstone and steal his lands, and for the coup-de-grace, my dream come true of telling that bunch of idiots that their idiots. You play dirty, Inquisitor, and I respect that. You have yourself a deal."