Kanta na Enquete desu-File 21: Let’s Think Up a Romantic Language of Flowers Meaning

Using all the many features of a cutting edge smartphone, I was using 200% of my focus to surreptitiously lift up the skirt of the maid napping on the screen. But then an underclassman (female) of mine suddenly spoke up from behind me.

“Senpai, it’s an emergency!! The library has turned into a botanical garden!!”

“G-gahh!! N-no! You’ve got it all wrong! The code to stop the giant ultimate weapon Assault Noah is written on the underside of her skirt, so I have a perfectly gentlemanly and world-peace-related reason for doing this! I didn’t have any kind ulterior-...Wait, what?”

“Again, the university library has turned into a botanical garden! ...Also, what were you crouched over and grinning about?”

As I did not want her looking any further into that, I quickly headed to the building in question.

And it was exactly as she said.

“Oh, my. ...This certainly is something.”

As my underclassman had said, the university library had undergone a class change to botanical garden.

And the plant inside it was not a normal one.

“Shit! What the hell is this!? It looks like it could swallow a human whole!”

“W-wait, senpai! They’re something like really, really big carnivorous plants. If they don’t get enough nutrients from the ground, it seems they will target any living thing that gets near them!!”

My underclassman was the type who would look good in buruma, but was actually a bike shorts girl. I looked in the direction she was pointing and saw a great number of containers filled with nutrients stabbed into giant flowerpots. I did not like being around those kinds of chemicals.

The library was a modern type of building so its walls were almost entirely made of glass, so the plants could receive plenty of sun. (Out of fears of the sun damaging the paper of the books, each and every one had a UV book cover placed on it, but I was unsure how effective that would be.) The plant’s giant leaves looked unnecessarily energetic like they were from some tropical island.

“So what is this?”

“It was them again. This was yet another left-over gift for the exceptional geology department.”

“Why do they always stand out the most at our university? Most of the budget goes to them and they get the top facilities.”

“The professors from other departments have even appeared on TV in an attempt to do something about it, so we’ve become something like an office for TV personalities.”

“So what is this thing?”

“You know about the uproar around the Vosne Asteroid, right? It seems some aliens from outside the solar system have established some technology on it to carry things. Previously, communications were primarily done via data carried by electric signals, but now an 80 year trade route has been established.”

“Hehh... But doesn’t the side receiving the objects have to risk their lives? They have to carry out the work to take on the objects while matching the asteroid’s incredible speed.”

“What’s worse is what the aliens get out of this! They’re having the asteroid snatch up debris along its path to take back to them!! They’re gonna steal Earth’s technology!!” 𝗳𝒓𝙚e𝓌e𝚋𝙣𝚘𝐯𝙚𝙡.𝑐૦ｍ

“Yeah, but the debris around the earth is at its saturation point, so they were saying it would probably start having a negative effect on the space industry before long. So shouldn’t we be celebrating the fact that they’re taking some of it away?”

“You’re too naïve, senpai! It may just be trash to us earthlings, but it might be the final missing piece the aliens need to complete some horrible technology!!”

“Anyway, what is this thing?”

“There was a special sale on mackerel pike at the neighborhood supermarket, so...”

“What is it? What is it? What is it!? What! Is! It!?”

My underclassman did not like the dust that flew into the air as I thrashed about, so she finally gave me a proper answer.

“Apparently, it’s a present from the aliens.”

“And why is it in the library? Normally, this kind of thing would be sent to a sealed room for the exceptional geology department.”

“Our university’s research team got their hands on it first, but they came across a problem.”

“...We’re from the literature club. How could we possibly be involved?”

“It’s a plant, so it needs a language of flowers meaning.”

“...”

Eh?

But before I could express my confusion, my underclassman scratched her cheek softly with her index finger.

“I reacted the same way when they first told me. But apparently it’s true.”

“But...” I looked back and forth between the bike shorts girl and the giant carnivorous plants. “Can we really just give it one so easily?”

“It seems the language of flowers isn’t something decided on by any set group. I’m not too knowledgeable about it myself, but it seems different countries and cultures have different meanings for the same flowers. They want to come up with something even if it’s only for this university, but the exceptional geology department has no naming sense whatsoever, so they threw in the towel.”

“I see. This certainly is an inexact thing, isn’t it?”

“I want to get this thing out of the library as quickly as possible, so let’s just give it some meaning.”

“Good point. ...Hmm, it’s a giant carnivorous plant, right? How about ‘that which devours flesh’ or...vofowaahh!?”

“Wahhh!! Senpai’s head is being eaten!!”

It did not seem to like that, so I was very nearly devoured myself. 𝐟𝓇ℯ𝒆we𝒃𝘯𝒐νe𝑙.co𝚖

“Wait, this flower can react!?”

“Let’s give it a romantic language of flowers meaning! I’m sure it’ll accept that!!”

“Y-yeah, but what could we possible give to such an overwhelmingly grotesque flower? Something like ‘that which gathers flies with its stench’ or...mochuu!?”

“Senpai, you need some education!!”

The bike shorts girl pulled a book on the language of flowers from a shelf filled with illustrated reference books.

“See? It’s filled with schmaltzy words like ‘I love you’ or ‘I swear eternity to you’!! It probably wants you to give it something like that!”

“Y-you like the love romance genre, so wouldn’t this be a job for you?”

“Oh, c’mon! What are you saying!?”

“Idiot! Don’t swing that giant book arou-...gbeffh!?”

As anything more would put my life at risk, I had no choice but to pull some loose leaf paper and a mechanical pencil out of my bag. These meanings were generally a single idea. And they had to be as maudlin as possible. Also, this one had to be symbolic of that monstrous flower.

“...H-how about ‘flawless perfection’!? Dobyarjaaa!?”

“You can’t go with any obvious lies, senpai!!”

“Bhuh... Th-then what am I supposed to do!? I have to base it on this thing!! I’m never going to find a beautiful meaning for thi-...nchrwaaa!!”

“It seems to be telling you to choose something, senpai!!”

“Well, I could go down a more realistic path and choose something like ‘you’re ugly but I love you’...gyagyavaaaa!!”

“I think it wants something nicer than that, senpai!!”

“Your unaffectedness lets your true beauty show throu...byaaahhh!?”

“That was too nice, senpai!!”

“Bubyargyaaahhh!!”

“Senpai!!”

“...!!”

“!?”

An old man in a lab coat from the exceptional geology department came to retrieve the giant carnivorous plants.

“So what did you decide on for its language of flowers meaning?”

“Pant, pant... ‘View me as I am’.”