I am the Ruler of the Kingdom of Mysterious-Chapter 123 - 99: Wanxi’s Notes (3)

After all, sometimes humans are scarier than ghosts.

...

[May 9]

Last night I lost control; it was the first time I felt fear, fear that I would harm Huilan just like I did to those maids before.

Upon waking and seeing Huilan unharmed, I held her and cried for a long time.

Why was I born a freak? Why can’t I be a normal person like Huilan?

I loathe myself, I don’t want to continue living like this.

In the past, I lived through gritted teeth because of hate; I wanted my existence to be a thorn in the side of those who detest me, including my parents, my grandmother, and Qing Yang.

But now, I want to die because living poses a danger to Huilan; if she were to be hurt even slightly because of me, I would be tormented by guilt.

I should just die. If there is a next life, I plead before all ghost gods to let me be a normal person, if only I could know Huilan again.

But a sinner like me, if dead, would only fall into Hell, right?

[May 10]

Huilan slapped me; she cried, telling me everyone wants me dead, but she doesn’t.

It was then I learned how that night Huilan saved me, she got caned by Nanny Wang, who serves my grandmother.

They barely managed to obtain human blood, only for Qing Yang to push me down and break the jar filled with it, with poison already added inside.

In the end, Huilan released her own blood for me, enabling me to survive that night.

I told Huilan that a freak like me doesn’t deserve to live; that among the graves in the courtyard, many maids died due to my loss of control, and if I don’t die, she would become one of them.

Yet Huilan said I’m a good person, not a freak, and that I’m just ill.

She said I should continue living because through life there is hope.

She said if I wished, she could save money, and once we have enough for travel expenses, she’d take me to escape from Ming Mansion.

To see the world outside, and to find the ’Bell Doctor’ who is said to resurrect the dead and heal the bones of the living.

I am willing, how could I not be? If there truly exists someone who can cure me, I’m willing to pay any price!

Of course, beside Huilan, I won’t allow anyone to harm her.

I asked Huilan if she would call me ’elder sister’, and if no one loves her, then I shall.

From then on, we’re no longer master and servant, but sisters!

[May 11]

I killed someone, the first time I’ve proactively killed.

Nanny Wang’s blood smelled foul, just like her scent, but the terrified faces of my grandmother and the maids in her court brought me joy.

The truth is, they never imprisoned me; it was I who empathized with their hardships and chose to confine myself in Hidden Moon Pavilion.

From now on, I shall let everyone know that I am not to be trifled with; to bully Huilan is to oppose me!

Huilan cried and begged me not to do this.

How could I refrain?

Didn’t she say the elder sister should take care of the younger one? If I don’t act, her kindness and weakness will only lead to her demise.

...

[June 1]

Since that day, Huilan refuses to call me sister.

Today we received our monthly salary; I asked Huilan to save it all so that we have enough for travel costs, then we can leave Ming Mansion as soon as possible; I don’t want to stay here another day.

If there’s no food, I can eat bamboo shoots for every meal.

Huilan laughed at me, saying this season, the bamboo shoots are gone.

If Huilan didn’t object, I could steal my mother’s jewelry and sell them.

Huilan says, even if we leave Ming Mansion, we need to live, we can’t spend our whole lives stealing; we should learn to earn money and live with dignity.

She taught me to make paper flowers, fold ingots, cut paper money...

She also taught me to recognize wild vegetables and various mountain goods, and to make simple traps. She said her grandfather was a hunter before moving to Dongyang County, teaching her many things while alive.

I want to go to the back mountain with Huilan to dig mountain goods and set traps.

Huilan agreed.

Why does she feel like my sister?

No, I need to show my elder sister’s demeanor.

...

[June 16]

Today’s lunch had meat; I asked Huilan to save some; without bamboo shoots, I can still survive on wild vegetables and water.

Huilan said that after the fifteenth day of each month, I become weak; she wants me to have more supplements to regain my strength.

She persuaded me.

Today, Huilan finally made me a sun-covering cloak, saying she’d take me to the back mountain tomorrow.

I asked Huilan if she was afraid.

Huilan laughed, saying now she walks freely in Ming Mansion, and nobody dares to bother her; others avoid her like the plague, and she has never felt so powerful.

Lately, Huilan smiles more, she has grown bolder, and isn’t afraid to say my ghost stories aren’t good.

Are they really not good?

[June 17]

After returning from the back mountain, I find it hard to sleep.

The experiences today are too wonderful; I fear forgetting them if I fall asleep.

Huilan and I collected many mountain goods, and she taught me lots of rules for walking in the forest; as long as you remember them, you’ll be safe.

We picked many wild fruits, and I even fell from a tree once.

Huilan was right; I am frail and need to help her more, or I won’t be able to keep up with her in the future.

Huilan collected many dark grasses, saying they can be used as dye; she’ll help me dye my hair and eyebrows black later, and with the veil on the bamboo hat covering my eyes, no one will think I’m a freak anymore.

Unable to sleep, I went to count how much silver coin we’ve saved.

...

[July 1]

I never imagined someday I, the dignified eldest daughter of the Ming Family, would be so concerned about my monthly salary like a miser.

Thinking about the past deductions from my salary makes my heart ache.

Today I wore the cloak Huilan had made and sneaked out; I saw the man again, holding a Straight Blade, full of Evil Qi. (Note ②)

He is my father’s friend, an officer in the Evil Suppression Bureau.

Every year before the Mid-Autumn Festival, he comes to Ming Mansion to find my father to discuss Nie God festival matters, and afterward, he stays in the shrine on the hills for a while.

That man makes me feel very dangerous, very terrifying.

Huilan came back!

At night, we counted the silver coin, and Huilan said it was enough to hire a carriage to Wangshan City.

Huilan hesitated a bit; I know she can’t bear to leave her sister, but I don’t want to leave with that leech; only by leaving her can Huilan truly live for herself.

Huilan understands this, and finally, she agreed that after the Mid-Autumn Festival, we would escape.

These days I’ll sleep with the money box; this money must not be lost.

...

[July 10]

Huilan won’t leave; she wants to save her sister, but who can come save me?

When she didn’t want to die, she saved me, who wanted death.

Now that I don’t want to die, she wants to go to her death.

Why does others’ fate have to be borne by Huilan?

Why must Ming Mansion’s sins fall upon me?

What did Huilan and I do wrong to be punished like this?

It’s me; it’s all my fault; I laugh at Huilan’s weakness; am I not weak?

I survive by drinking the blood of innocent people; I know every year Ming Mansion sacrifices nine innocent girls to Nie God, but I have done nothing about it?

Because of Nie God’s presence, I can survive; this is my sin, so the heaven’s punishment for me is here.

Huilan came to bid me farewell; I asked her to call me her elder sister one more time.

She didn’t.

I know, she doesn’t want me to defy the Ming Family for her, doesn’t want me to bear the shame of being unfilial.

But what is filial piety?

Is it like Huilan, like me, is this filial piety?

Huilan, even if you no longer call me elder sister, you are still my only sister, Ming Wanxi.

It was you who told me an elder sister should protect her younger sister, so this time, I will protect you.

Even if it’s the Ming Family, even if it’s Nie God, they cannot take you away.

I absolutely will not allow it!