Help! Five Beast Alphas Want To Breed Me!!(BL)-Chapter 313: Watching Him

Songs I listened to while writing this Chapter; Intertwined by Dodie

Asa;

I sit beside him and say nothing.

I have nothing to say to him at the moment. I just... want to learn...

I want to understand him.

I hug my knees to my chest and let my head roll back as I take a deep breath.

Goosebumps line my skin as the similarity between this simulation and the home I was raised in simmers in my mind.

The air around us hums softly, as my magic settles into the walls of the dining hall.

As chaotic as my mama is, this is one of those times when it’s painfully gentle.

Soft in a way that hurts... Soft in a way that reminds me of Father.

I rest my chin against my knee as I watch him.

Elián.

This... mirage is not my conjuring alone.

I’m not entirely responsible for this.

People like to think witches and warlocks create from nothing. That we pull wonders from thin air, and bend the world to our whims like puppeteers tugging strings.

That has never been true.

Magic needs a source. A want.

A... longing deep enough to leave fingerprints on reality.

Even though magic always has its limits.

Mercies it would never give.

I did not imagine Gravemaw for him, nor did I know this was what he wanted.

I only opened the door. The rest came from him.

All I had to do was lend his heart a bit of my magic to conjure what it wants... or might need.

After all, he... helped me last night. Not like he helped me, but I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything, so this is the least I can do.

He laughs softly beside me, a sound so unguarded it nearly startles me.

He is seated on the grass, knees drawn close, and fingers idly brushing the petals of flowers that did not exist a moment ago.

The version of Gravemaw in his mind and heart is so beautiful... so pure.

I look up at the sky above us. So blue and clear...

Like a tranquil ocean where children’s innocent dreams can wander.

If this is what Gravemaw means to him. If this... serenity is how he holds Gravemaw in his heart, it must have been a nightmare when we ruined it.

...Did it hurt as much as when my home got destroyed?

Did he hurt that badly?

I feel the thread connecting us hum faintly, as his heart swells with gratitude.

I look towards the light as figures emerge from it.

Two men whom I do not know or recognise.

Who are these? Elian’s heart would only conjure those he misses.

The men walk toward him slowly, and I just watch them.

One is slender, dark-skinned, with hair white as bone. His eyes are a blue sea of kindness and tenderness.

The sort of eyes that have learned patience through love rather than endurance.

In his arms is a baby. A little bundle that shares a striking resemblance to the man holding it.

The other man walking beside them is broader in frame and has dark hair falling messily into his eyes. He reaches out occasionally, brushing his fingers over the infant’s cheek with familiar tenderness.

These figures are not illusions in the usual sense.

They are wish-echoes.

Not just people Elián remembers, but people he misses.

They stop in front of him, and Elián’s breath catches.

"Oh," he whispers, and from the tone of his voice, I can tell he’s holding back tears.

The slender man smiles and gently passes the baby into Elián’s arms.

The infant makes a soft noise, curling immediately against Elián as if it recognises safety without needing reassurance.

Elián laughs again, breathless now, with eyes already glossy.

"Oh—you’re warm," he whispers, cradling the child instinctively.

His hands are steady. Familiar. Like he has done this a thousand times over.

I feel something twist in my chest at the sight, and before I can stop it, my hand crawls down to my stomach.

...My empty, barren, wombless stomach...

I stare at the baby and find my heart wondering what my baby would have looked like if it were born.

In another life where I could have babies... would they look like me... or Avaren?

The men sit with Elián, close but not crowding as they speak softly.

"How are you?" the white-haired man asks, and Elián nods, with tears slipping free before he can stop them.

"I’m okay," he whispers back. Completely forgetting my presence now.

"I really am." He adds, trying to sound strong, but his voice breaks anyway.

"I miss you," he adds, and I tilt my head as I watch him.

The baby grips Elián’s finger, and his face crumples— overwhelmed by something I wish I understood.

Something I wish I could feel too.

Something I see in Mother’s eyes every time they look at their babies.

That thing which I envy and curse all at once.

I turn my gaze away for a moment as my eyes start to sting.

Are those... Are these tears??

TEARS!???

When did... why am I— when did this pathetic weakness start??

I wipe my eyes in disgust before the tears even get the chance to fall, and just then, more figures appear at the edges of the illusion.

They aren’t many... most of them are faceless... but they are enough to suggest a community.

The people of Gravemaw. He misses them, too??

These people circle Elián, and soon the space is filled with an aura of laughter... and belonging.

I notice Rhydian in the crowd, and despite how stiffly Elián interacts with him, merely being here shows that Elián misses and cares about Rhydian deeply.

Just as I study this, the light flickers again and— Koda appears. Right behind the crowd, like light at the end of a tunnel.

He is not something Elián created consciously. I can feel that immediately.

This was a want knitted into every vein and artery of his heart.

The main person he needed and wanted to see.

The magic welcomes Koda, and the realism of him almost startled me.

Not a single detail of his is amiss. Elian’s heart pulled the man just as is.

Elián looks up and freezes, and I hold my breath.

"Koda," he breathes.

Then he is on his feet, baby handed back instinctively, before running forward, and past the crowd.

He throws himself at Koda, and Koda catches him easily. Arms wrapping around him with such intimacy, I am made to remember Avaren and how much I miss his comfort.

Koda lifts Elián slightly off the ground— forehead pressing into his hair, and Elián giggles.

They speak quietly, but I do not listen.

I should allow that privacy.

I sit back, hands folded in my lap, as the magic begins to weaken.

We’ve been connected long enough.

Any longer, and my magic may hurt him, or his Primordial powers may snap at me for being attached for too long.

He looks back at me briefly when he realises that the magic is waning, and I give him a small smile. Pitiful smile.

Tears well in his eyes again, and he just throws his arms around Koda.

I let the magic soften around them... gentle enough to fade without tearing.

As everything fades away, something inside me fractures.

Not loudly. Not dramatically, but it is a crack in the foundation I thought was solid.

A crack in the answers I had stacked up and solidified in my heart.

This boy... is not cruel.

He is not ambitious.

He is not seeking power, or revenge, or conquest.

All he wants is... home.

I gave him the chance to conjure whatever he wanted most in the world, and that was it.

Home...

Just watching him has taught me that... he wants to be held without being braced for loss.

He wants people who stay. People who choose him without conditions.

My throat tightens, and I grit my teeth.

This was never supposed to feel like this.

I was meant to learn the truth under his delicate, tender charade. I was at least supposed to learn something useful through this. Something that would hurt, and justify my motive!

Instead, I am watching a soul weep for the simplest but deepest of things before me.

Now, it makes me wonder... painfully, not for the first time, what kind of monster it makes me to stand so close to this and still have a plan.

A plan to hurt him just to get to the people who cost me so much.

It’s not my fault he’s connected to them.

It’s not my fault, he’s the only way I can hurt them just as they’ve hurt me, but he seems so... precious.

Like a pearl.

Like I was before, fate cursed me. Before life broke me, before... before darkness became the only way I learned to live because I knew living like him was something I could no longer do again.

That innocence... that happiness... that purity, that inner peace... I can never get it back.

He’s the only way I can avenge this loss, and now I’m second-guessing myself??

After coming this far???

The magic around us begins to dissolve— petals fading, sky dimming back into Nagari’s stone dining hall, and the subtle hissing of the kingdom returning to us.

Elián returns to my side eventually, cheeks flushed, and eyes bright as he sits on the stone floor.

He looks lighter.

Happier.

"Thank you," he says quietly, like he isn’t sure if the words are meant for me or the world itself.

I incline my head, saying nothing.

Because right now, I do not trust my voice.

As the last of the illusion fades, I feel the connection between us loosen, the borrowed power slipping back into my bones.

I should be relieved.

Instead, I feel... hollow... almost even numb.

He leans back against one of the table’s legs, smiling to himself, lost in the afterglow.

And I realise something terrifying.

If I stay here long enough... If I keep watching him like this...

I may no longer want what I came here for.

And that, more than any chaos or spell, might ruin everything.