Help! Five Beast Alphas Want To Breed Me!!(BL)-Chapter 302: To Understand

Draft 1

Song for this Chapter: Even If It’s A Lie - Demo by Matt Maltese

Lioran;

Since my last conversation with Father... the ache in my chest has gained fresh strength... and sharpened teeth.

Like a corpse woken by some filthy infection and refusing to die again.

Grief has a way of awakening other griefs. Old ones, buried ones... The kind you convince yourself you have already survived, only to realise they have merely learned how to stay quiet.

The corridors of the castle stretch long and dim as I walk, my steps are slow... measured. How can I walk or love fast with this weight pressing me down??

My father’s voice still echoes in my mind.

The way it cracked when he spoke of love. Of betrayal. Of... abandonment.

I find it funny how pain repeats itself in different shapes.

Negative things are always creative in their approach. Memories, dreams, wishes, wants...

Hurt always find a way to come back.

I think of Elien, and my steps halt.

The thought of him comes viciously, sharp enough to knock the air out of my lungs.

I rest a hand against the cold stone wall, breathing slowly in a fruitless effort to steady my breathing.

My mind swirls around him. Around Elien, who once knew the sound of my laughter better than anyone else.

Elien, who knew and understood my silences.

My Elien... who used to look at me as if I were something worth choosing.

And then one day... he was gone.

No explanation. No goodbye.

Just... absence.

That absence has always broken me... Always scared me. I have tried so hard to move on, but here I am remembering him again, against my will.

I straighten and clench my jaw, refusing to break.

I don’t want to break, thinking about how he stood in these halls, wearing another name. And acting like another person.

He called himself Elián.

And now... he’s married to another man. I thought he said he loved me. Only me. After how much of me I gave him. After... everything, he just...

He looked at me like I was a stranger. Like I was a memory that never mattered.

Sometimes I caught flickers in his eyes — recognition, maybe — but it always vanished as quickly as it appeared.

It feels as if Elien decided that forgetting me is easier than facing whatever we have become.

I have been turned to a Chapter he wishes to... or has already torn out.

The thought burns.

The idea that he no longer feels anything for me, and I’m just the pathetic one who can not heal or move on...

I reach my chambers and close the door behind me quietly. The room is dark, but lit with the silvery rays of moonlight spilt over the desk where I have not written anything personal in years.

I cross the room to the table, and I stare quietly at the papers and ink on it.

I sit slowly and place my hands on the papers.

I do not know what I am hoping for.

An apology from him?

An explanation?

A confirmation that I was never important... and never will?

I exhale slowly and pick up the quill.

If I do not ask, this will rot inside me forever.

If I don’t let him know what’s on my mind, this silence will kill me.

It will suffocate me till my lungs erupt.

I’ve suffered long enough in silence. I need to know what step to take next.

I need him to tell me if my hope is pointless or not...

So, I begin to write.

Elien,

I do not know if you still recognise that name... and I do not know if you want to.

I am writing this... because I have spent a long time asking myself what I did wrong.

I replay every moment. Every argument. Every silence. Searching for the point where you decided to leave without looking back.

The point you decided that... I was a mistake.

Now you are before me as someone else, wearing a different life, treating me like I am nothing more than a passing acquaintance... or a dream that was never real...

If this is what you chose, then tell me why.

If I hurt you, tell me how.

If you stopped loving me, tell me that too...

Just don’t look at me like I never existed.

I am not asking you to come back.

I am... I’m only asking you to stop pretending I was never there.

Please...

— Lioran

1

My hand shakes as I finish, and I stare at the ink until it blurs.

This letter is dangerous. It might return to me truths I do not want to hear, but silence... is worse.

I would know, I’ve been wallowing in it, and it’s unbearable.

I fold the letter carefully, seal it, and sit back, exhausted.

Whatever answer comes... or does not... at least I will finally know... That I tried.

And if this truly is goodbye... Then I will survive it.

I always survive what’s meant to crush me.

******

Elien;

The knock comes softly.

And Elian and I turn to the door. It opens quietly, and I already know who it is. There’s only one man in this place who walks with such calculated steps.

"Elián," Zephan’s voice calls quietly as he steps in.

"A letter." He adds, and I feel joy tickle inside me.

I know it’s another letter for Elian from Koda. I’m happy that after all he’s been through, he gets to be loved. It’s blissful to watch.

"It’s from Lioran," Zephan adds, and I pause. Elian pauses to. I feel it.

"Lioran? Why would he write me a letter??" He questions inwardly, and I swallow.

"I have a feeling he didn’t write to you," I reply, and silence fills the shared space of our mind.

As soon as Elian’s hands touch the envelope, something inside me surges.

Something hard, desperate, and uncontrolled.

I slam against the inside of our body like a hand pounding on glass, and my actions affect Elián. He gasps, then I feel him rest, not resisting me, not fighting. Just... yielding so I can take control.

I need it. I need to see it.

Zephan notices the change immediately, and his dual colored eyes sharpen with curiosity.

"Elian–?" He begins, but I cut him off.

"I’m fine. I just need to be alone. Please..." I whisper, and Zephan stares at me reluctantly.

I hold his gaze, hoping he doesn’t notice that I’m not Elian, and he sighs.

"A-Alright. If you need anything, just call for me." He says, and I force a smile.

He smiles back, and I stay completely still as he walks out of the room and shuts the door.

Once the door closes, I stare down at the letter. My hands are shaking so badly that I have to fist them to control myself.

I proceed to open the envelope, and the seal breaks gently.

I pull the letter out, and as I unfold it, my breath hitches.

I know his handwriting. He’s written poems so many times and asked me to judge them.

How will I not know the writing that confessed love to me so many times, on papers I still have hidden??

My eyes move over the words, slow at first, then faster, greedier, like I’m starving and this is the first meal I’ve been offered in years.

What did I do wrong?

Why did you leave?

Why are you pretending not to know me?

The questions slice straight through me.

Tears spill before I realise they’ve formed. They spoil the paper, blurring the ink, and I swipe at my face angrily, as if that will undo anything.

He doesn’t hate me. And as much as that gives me some relief, this news also devastates me.

It means he still wonders.

Instead of not caring and hating me... he still aches.

He still believes there is an answer that makes sense...

My chest caves inward as the rest of the letter unfolds. The hurt. The confusion. The quiet dignity of someone who isn’t demanding love back, only truth.

"This is proof," I whisper hoarsely, the words scraping brutally against my throat.

"Proof of what?" Elián asks softly.

"That he doesn’t hate me," I reply.

"Not fully. Not enough to stop asking why." I add, and Elian falls silent.

My hands clutch the paper to my chest, and Elián’s presence warms me. Steady, soothing... comforting.

"You should write back," he says, and I laugh weakly, broken.

"What would I even say?" I ask him.

"How do I explain that I ran because staying would have destroyed him? That loving me was a liability? That shadow following me was a blade aimed at his throat?" I croak as I squeeze my eyes shut.

"How do I tell him that I didn’t marry Koda?" I whisper.

"That it wasn’t me. That it was you." I add, and silence stretches between us, thick and equally uncertain.

"You don’t have to tell him everything at once. But you can tell him something. He misses you." Elián finally speaks carefully, but I shake my head.

"If I tell him the truth, he’ll chase it," I say. "He’ll dig. He’ll put himself in danger just to understand me. And if I lie—" My breath breaks. "If I lie, then I become exactly what he thinks I am."

A coward. A stranger.

A man wearing another identity to escape the weight of what he left behind...