F-Rank Puppeteer!! But I'll be Queen, and I'm not a narcissist!!!!!-Chapter 207: A Toxic but Functional Relationship
I have no idea how much time has passed. Seeing my mother like that, realizing my death destroyed my family was painful, but at some point, I had to let it go.
It’s cruel to myself, it’s painful and it’s sad, but do I really have the right to mourn? I don’t think I do, so all that’s left is to leave the past in the past.
At some point, my spiritual "body" disintegrated, completely leaving that life behind, that family, that home, and those bad memories, and now I’m slowly waking to my reality.
To the reality of being "Evelyn" again, without any real connection to the past, I wonder what other evil things "Evelyn" has done for me. I’m sure making me see how my family was destroyed isn’t the only "gift" she’s left me.
"Oh!! You’re awake! Good, Evelyn!" I hear a familiar voice as I slowly open my eyes. I see Esther in front of me, but something about her sends a chill down my spine. She looks clearly tired, with dark circles under her eyes, but her eyes themselves are wild, as if she’s looking at prey.
"E-Esther...how long was I...asleep?"
"Nine days...are you okay? You were crying a few times," she asks worriedly. For the first time, I genuinely accept her concern, because now Esther is the only loving family close to me, the only one I have left.
"...I...just had a...bad dream...a very bad dream..." I sum up the whole experience as a bad dream, a dream that revealed the truth of what I am and what I represent in this world.
"I see..."
"Esther, have you been here taking care of me all these days?"
"Yes!! I didn’t leave your side, how could I? If my wife is so sad and vulnerable, I needed to care for her..." she says, and I smell blood. I look at her fingers and see the marks of her teeth, making it clear she was gnawing on them.
"You haven’t eaten anything?" I ask, seeing how her appearance isn’t as well-kept as it usually is.
"No...I was too worried about you to leave. What if you woke up and I wasn’t here? Besides, I didn’t want others to see you so vulnerable, so I had to stay and watch over you...don’t you like that?" she asks with a certain coldness.
"Thank you," I say with a smile, and she looks surprised.
"Thank you so much, Esther..." I feel...happy with her. Happy that she loves me enough to neglect her own health just to care for me. I failed my family once; I didn’t accept my parents’ love and concern, and look where that led me. I won’t repeat the same mistake of not accepting love and concern.
I should be grateful, grateful to have at least had a second chance to receive someone’s love and concern.
’Love is sacrifice...she sacrificed for me for days...’ I feel terrible. I only take, and take, and take from others, without ever giving anything in return. I’m not a failure anymore, I now have some "success" as a soldier, but here I am being the same parasite from the past, just taking from Esther without giving anything.
"..." I look at my storage ring for a few seconds. Esther follows my gaze as I pull out a cleaver from inside. I used it to dismantle monster bodies for the puppets.
"What are you giving me this for?" she asks when I place the cleaver in her hand.
"You..." I swallow dryly to speak to her, taking a deep breath to calm myself.
"You must be starving...you can...you can take a piece of me..." I grab my tail, holding it out to her. She stares at my face for a few seconds and then gives a gentle smile.
"Are you offering me your body?..." she asks, climbing onto the bed and sitting on my lap after I sit up.
"...Mh-hmm..." I nod. I’m scared, scared of the pain, scared of what I’ll feel, but Esther, who cared more about looking after me than dealing with her hunger, has just proven she deserves this.
’I know how hard it must be for her to endure the hunger...she preferred gnawing her fingers to biting me...’ She takes my tail, holding it firmly while bringing the cleaver close. At this point, it’s going to cut off more than half of my tail.
"Are you sure, Evelyn? I didn’t expect this to be the first thing you’d do upon waking," she says with a hint of strangeness.
"...I love you, Esther...you took care of me, so...please...let me take care of you at least once..." Seeing my mother alone, suffering as her family fell apart, showed me the world isn’t kind enough to wait for us.
"...Ghnmmmm!" I bite my lips, holding back the pain as she moves the cleaver and begins cutting off my tail. Blood falls onto the white bedsheets. I also didn’t expect this to be the first thing I’d do upon waking.
But...but now that I remember everything, that I remember the past, the 18 years I lived here and had forgotten, a certain extra courage has emerged.
"Haaa...Haa..." I pant as she finishes the cut. The stump of my tail left behind thrashes, staining the bed with more blood. Esther’s eyes glaze over with hunger as she drops the cleaver on the floor, holding my severed tail.
"Evelyn, are you sure you want to see this?...I...I don’t want you to see me as a monster..." she says, but I can see how hard she’s struggling to control herself. The veins in her arm stand out from the strength of her grip, and she’s trembling, clearly barely holding back.
"...Eat it...eat it now, Esther..." I say authoritatively. Unable to control herself any longer, she puts a piece in her mouth and bites down. I hear the dry crunching sound of my tail’s scales breaking under her teeth, the sound of flesh being chewed.
Esther’s cheeks flush, her eyes melting in pleasure, as if she’s eating the best thing ever. It’s the second time I’ve seen this expression on her; the first was during our BDSM play where she looked so happy.
"..." Watching her devour the meat like that reminds me of a wild animal. It’s frightening, it’s unsettling, and deep in the most rational corner of my mind, it’s disgusting to see her devouring a piece of me like that.
But I once heard somewhere that people fall in love three times. The first is for the external, for the best part of a person, for their good side and how good that person seems for you.
The second time is a choice. You fall for the person’s bad side, their bad habits, their ways you don’t like, even the fights. This time it’s a love by choice; you love the person and accept their flaws.
And the third time, it’s when everything seems to be falling apart, when everything seems bad and hopeless, and you have to choose—whether to stay with the person even at rock bottom, or to destroy everything and leave the relationship. 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒆𝙬𝒆𝒃𝓷𝒐𝓿𝙚𝙡.𝒄𝓸𝒎
Right now, we’re at stage two of the relationship. We have to choose and accept each other’s bad sides. I really, truly am disgusted by what I’m seeing—the crunching sound of the flesh, the strong smell of blood.
Esther’s face spattered with blood, her hands, those same beautiful, soft hands that touch me, now dirty with that red liquid. All I can feel is this cold fear. But I love her. I accept this because it’s part of her, and love demands choosing even the person’s bad side and accepting it.
"Haaa...Haaa...Haaa..." Esther pants with pleasure after completely devouring my tail, even the hard parts I’m not sure she should have eaten. Now it’s just her and me. This image of her covered in blood is strange.
’Do I accept this? Is this really okay?...’ I look into her eyes. She looks back at me, as if she knows I’m choosing, choosing whether I can really accept this side of her.
She looks...hopeful. I see her eyes full of hope that I’ll accept this, but I also see fear. Seeing fear in her eyes makes me smile, because even a being like Esther can feel afraid.
Esther always seemed...monstrous, invincible, unattainable. I realize I’ve always judged Esther based on the game, but this is no longer the Esther from the game. She’s just a sad girl living in a world she hates, who knows a truth that made her never learn how to feel things like others do.
"..." I wrap my arms around her waist. I have a few tears from the pain of my tail; even with pain reduction, my tail is still sensitive.
"...I love you..." I kiss her. I see her hands trembling, as if she doesn’t know whether she should hug me or not, but she hugs me as we share this kiss.
It tastes like blood. It’s bitter, and it’s unpleasant to taste myself, but I still kiss her. To show I accept this violent, bloody, monstrous side of her, because I love her so much, because she’s all I have, and because I know she loves me too.
She hugs me tighter. Our tongues intertwine in a loving kiss. She seems euphoric, and I can feel just how happy this makes her.
’I wonder...when we hit rock bottom...will I still be able to choose Esther?...’ I hope we never reach the third time, where we have to choose.
"..." She breaks the kiss. A red string of blood connects our lips. It would look romantic if not for the situation, the pain in my tail, and the blood staining our clothes and the bed.
"I love you..." she says with tears. It’s the first time I’ve seen tears in her eyes. She’s crying from joy.
"I love you too...I love you so much too, Esther...so love me forever, be mine alone for eternity, and never abandon me...even when we fight, even when we hit rock bottom, do everything for me, be mine forever, have eyes only for me."
"And above all, always put me first. I want to be your first in everything, no matter what it is. I should always be your primary choice," I say in a tone that we both know is too manipulative.
For the first time, there’s jealousy in my voice. I want Esther to be mine alone, because now she’s all I have, and I don’t want anything else, because she’s all I need.
"I will be yours alone, so will you be mine alone?" she asks with a smile.
"No..." When I deny it, she looks confused.
"That’s the point, Esther. I want you for myself alone, but I don’t want to have the choice...I...always choose wrong. So I want you to make me yours alone, not for me to choose to be yours alone." I don’t want to choose, because choosing this is a mistake.
"...That...is very cowardly of you, Evelyn..."
"Yes, I...I am very cowardly. So please, choose for me. Choose the things I’m too weak to choose myself. Isn’t that what a couple is? Helping each other with what we can’t do?" I say with a smile, crossing my legs around her hips.
"...That’s perfect..." she smiles, a smile as predatory as it is happy. Our relationship dynamic, even if it’s wrong, is functional and perfect for the two of us.
"My tail hurts..." I hug her tighter, breathing calmly to try and soothe the pain.
"I’ll take care of you. Thank you, Evelyn...really...thank you so much..." She hugs me tighter as I hug her back. I didn’t become a better person after suffering; I just became more honest with myself and with Esther, and I think...it’s okay to be this way.
We both know this relationship we’re forming is toxic. We both know it has every potential to cause problems. But we accept the responsibility for love. Even if it’s an ugly love, it’s still functional, and that’s enough.
"Evelyn...since you want all the benefits but don’t want the blame for any choice, since you want me to take on all the responsibilities...then I accept. I am the one to blame for everything. You can always blame me for everything that goes wrong." Esther understands perfectly and accepts.
"Even though you’re being cowardly, even though you’re making it clear that your mistakes will be treated as my fault, I still accept. I want you completely. I accept the blame, the pain, the happiness, the love. I want everything."
"I will make you mine alone, and I will make myself the only one for you," she says possessively, taking on everything as she presses me down against the bed, kissing me again. And I return the kiss, hugging her, knowing that with feelings this intense, there’s no way we won’t become intimate to deal with it all. So I accept her, just as she accepts me, even though I’m hurt.
