Debut or Die-Chapter 349
“So... Yoojin’s going to be on this, right?”
Haena Hamilton, who’d gone to middle school with Cha Yoo-jin, sat on the late-night TV couch for the first time in ages.
She was using the fact that she’d known Cha Yoo-jin in high school as her excuse for watching the show.
“Anyway, didn’t we meet once a few years ago?”
At that TV program’s restaurant that sold Korean fusion snack hotteok.
“Um... did we meet? Middle school? Elementary school?”
“Ah... I’m Haena Hamilton. We were in the same class in middle school.”
“Oh~ Haena! Good to see you. How’ve you been?”
She still gave off that effortlessly successful vibe, but to her surprise, Cha Yoo-jin had made subculture K-POP his profession. Once she realized his group—no longer just a band, but a full idol group—she’d looked up their activities several times.
She’d been intrigued that such a stellar boy her age was into the same subculture she loved. Despite her occasional cultural shock, she’d followed them all the way here.
“A twenty-something straight guy with pink hair.”
“...Cha Yoo-jin does this kind of thing?? Anime Magic Girl?”
“They really are a team that cares about each other...”
She’d even empathized and watched their American variety show’s live broadcast.
[MESS ~ MEEEESSS~]
A comical, neon subtitle scrolled across the screen. Haena grimaced as she watched.
“This show is funny, but I don’t get why you’re here.”
“TeSTAR shouldn’t be on this!”
“This is just a third-rate reality show that torments people who just want to get their name out—sadistic, harmful trash.”
A K-POP fan hollered from her account. Honestly, she half agreed.
[Today’s challenger... Challenge! Survive for thirty minutes in a pitch-black abandoned house with strange noises in a red coffin?]
[But that’s not all! The moment you chicken out, lovely unicorn plushies rain down! You’re a loser!]
It was mockery masquerading as a challenge. Contestants arrogantly boasted “Of course I can do it,” only to be trapped by their own words, neatly evading ethical scrutiny.
[Boo! This is garbage!]
[Didn’t you just blink like you were terrified? Yep. You fail, you loser!]
Sometimes there wasn’t even a clear rule for punishment—the producers and MC just hit you with it at the funniest moment. Occasionally, the MC even got punished themselves.
It really was hilarious.
To the point where even Haena, who sometimes watched only clips on WiTube, could vividly hear the MC’s snickering.
“No wonder it’s a long-running program.”
Anyone with an image of dignity and class had no business appearing. American TeSTAR fans had complained, and the producers quietly used that to tease them.
“Officially, their agency asked to appear ‘first,’ okay? 😉”
Later, the MC joined in.
“Fresh, friendly Asian boys... cheer up 😎”
It was a mess.
“We nearly fought over it.”
That MC—stubborn, conservative, and a bit trashy—had waged a fiery battle with the K-POP fandom. But once filming started, every mention of TeSTAR abruptly stopped.
“Guess TeSTAR must’ve done okay. Or...”
...they utterly bombed.
The MC must have gone too far, so much that the crew held their tongues.
“Hmm.”
Haena swallowed and turned back to the TV.
A contestant burst from the coffin, pants stripped, glitter and unicorns trailing behind as they fled.
[Loser~~]
[Actor Antonio Soltre is a cute cowardly pony—or a teddy bear!]
TeSTAR couldn’t suffer that fate.
Luckily, their segment featured mostly singers.
[Next up... My own street karaoke!]
The “Street Karaoke” challenge.
[Our crew handpicks famous songs and serves them up in all kinds of arrangements!]
[Can our artist-challengers show off these classics properly?]
On the surface, it looked more professional than the absurd coffin stunt...
But it was an illusion.
Soon she’d see that every remix was ludicrously ridiculous. And it was all on the spot, judged entirely at the producers’ whim.
“Ugh.”
Watching professional singers get pelted made viewers laugh harder and contestants suffer more.
And this time the “punishment” was even more brutal.
[Today’s punishment... Gourmet cannon!]
[We’ve carefully prepared dishes from the hottest restaurants trending on social media! This isn’t even a punishment, right?]
Wham!
“Ugh!”
She watched a smashed burger rocket at a stunned contestant’s face like a bomb.
She felt ashamed at almost laughing.
“That’s... total humiliation!”
Wasn’t that how bullies treated people in school?
But the segment began cheerfully.
[First song~ “Counting ma green”!]
It should’ve been a hard-hitting dark hip-hop track. Instead, it came out as an incomprehensible carnival march.
[Ohohoho! So lively and cute~]
[Nanananananana nananananana~]
Wham.
Wham.
Pow-pow-pow.
Contestants got blasted in time with the jaunty trumpet beat. It was a sight.
“Pffft!”
Some froze during the intro and got hit, others tried a line but missed the beat and failed, and a few sang well before getting food-shelled.
[Contestant: What the f—]
Wham!
[Gesture sucks!]
“Pffahah!”
Haena bit her lip, trying not to laugh. It was pure, primal comedy.
“Oh please! Agh!”
The problem was, after two or three songs, TeSTAR still hadn’t appeared.
Even a second would’ve given them away—they wouldn’t miss a dramatic food blast.
“Could it be... editing?”
Thankfully, no.
TeSTAR appeared only after over ten minutes and a commercial break.
Seven young men standing on the street like the others. A little spotlight on them.
[That’s right. We’re giving a special welcome to the Cosmic Gunner cast. I’m buddies with the director, you know?]
With the MC’s insane narration, the cheerful march resumed.
“Oh...”
So now they’d show TeSTAR getting pelted with food in full glory. Haena leaned in.
Cha Yoo-jin, hands in his jacket pockets, stared at the fixed mic and gave a faint smile. Then he hit the march’s intro and dove right in.
[Contestants: NANA, NANA, NANANNNNNA!]
“Huh.”
TeSTAR matched the beat, striding like a parade. They glanced at the lyrics on a teleprompter and sang along, wearing the theme-park staff’s bright capitalist grin.
[Contestants: The taste of money~ I just can’t resist what I own~]
The cheerful lyrics about money over park-march backing was hilarious.
“Ha-ha!”
They even threw in parade gestures and carried the first verse flawlessly!
[Yeah~ whatever. Lucky bastards.]
The MC, failing to punish, sounded deflated—and the audience’s laughter was mixed in, making it funnier.
But TeSTAR’s airtime wasn’t over.
[Next song!]
A smooth, trendy R&B tune...
Had been turned into high-pitch heavy metal.
“Ugh.”
Several contestants froze, unable to start, and got food-shelled. But platinum-blonde member Park Mundae casually leaned into the mic and roared:
[YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]
“...!!”
He held that high note without flinching. His neck veins strained red, but his impassive face plus super-high pitch was perfection. The other members head-banged, jackets flaring dramatically, and the crowd scream-cheered on screen.
[...Again?]
[Yeah, well, he’s a real talent. I’ll give him a round of applause. Clap-clap-clap. Hear that?]
The audience laughter popped again. Then the MC perked up:
[Then let’s go to the next song... you know if you bomb at the end, it’s hilarious!]
“Huh?”
A brand-new backing track played—this year’s hot Billboard disco hit...
Rearranged as ballet.
“!”
The absurdity was mind-blowing, and TeSTAR had nowhere to hide.
[Laughing]
But one member stepped forward: the sleek, black-haired young man. He crossed his legs, lifted one foot gracefully, and pirouetted.
“...!!”
[What the—??]
Plié and relevé. Suddenly the six behind him exchanged looks and started humming. An a cappella melody that followed the song with perfect grace.
[...Oh my god.]
“My goodness.”
And at just the right moment, he jumped into the accompaniment:
[Contestants: I can take you up to the night sky~]
The on-screen crowd roared. A twist for the ages. They executed every bit of this madness, and even random passersby on the street applauded.
[Why are these guys getting applause!?]
[What the... wait, are they all done? How much did you pay them?]
The MC’s surprise narration brought another wave of laughter. Cha Yoo-jin, relaxed, high-fived his members with a grin.
[Contestants: We got paid.]
[No!! I mean you guys... Agh! Drives me nuts!]
“Ha-ha!”
The mic quivered as if it were a puppet angered by Haena’s laughter.
[This is... right! This is basically a fail!]
[You nailed it so well it’s no fun. Right?]
TeSTAR exchanged looks, then smirked. Platinum-blonde Park Mundae coolly replied:
[Contestants: No idea what you mean.]
[This isn’t fun, so it’s a failure. This is a comedy show!!]
[Contestants: Hmm.]
Instead of trading quips, TeSTAR nodded to each other.
‘What’s this?’
Cha Yoo-jin spoke:
[Contestants: OK. Let’s wrap it up—fire!]
“...!!”
Bang!
The gourmet cannon fired—over and over—covering every face.
Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!
“Ahh!”
Haena watched, mouth agape. TeSTAR’s faces became as tragic as earlier contestants’.
[Contestants: Oops.]
Cha Yoo-jin wiped Bolognese sauce from his forehead, then grinned.
[Contestants: Tastes good.]
[My goodness.]
[Contestants: I came because this looked most fun. This is an amazing experience.]
[MC: Please leave now. Quickly.]
[Contestants: Sure. Have a good night, everyone.]
[Contestants: Good night~]
The members laughed, wiped their faces with clothes or hands, and strolled off-camera together. They’d let it slide.
“Wow...”
They were brimming with confidence and individuality, not a hint of false modesty—and not obnoxious. Exactly what this industry craved: uniqueness, skill, star quality. And it fit their Cosmic Gunner band image perfectly—it was basically them.
[MC: Play someone else! They’re not funny!]
The screen cut back to contestants missing the ballet remix and getting pelted. But everyone who watched knew the real ending was TeSTAR’s departure.
“Whoa.”
If you wanted to make an impression, total success.
As soon as the show ended, the MC posted on their account:
---------------------==
[I swear on my life it’s not staged. This band is insane. #HelpMe]
---------------------==
“Amazing!”
An admission of defeat.
“This is going nuts!”
Haena, rifling through not only K-POP accounts but anyone who’d watched, read flood after flood of reactions on her own account.
She thought:
‘I’m here losing it, but they’re coolly flying back to Korea, right?’
Yeah, that was Cha Yoo-jin. And his group too.
We’re hoisting one guy over our heads like crazy.
Who?
“Seon Ah-hyun! Seon Ah-hyun!”
“Ooooh!!”
“Seon Ah-hyun nailed it!”
Obviously Seon Ah-hyun! He pulled off an unscripted ad-lib that crushed it!
Honestly, I admit we cheated a bit. We’d already studied their candidate songs and prepared answer keys. The same trick I pulled back at Ajusa.
With over a hundred episodes, the references were rich, so the songs were predictable.
‘They use half the top trending tracks and half hits from ten years ago.’
After so many episodes, they’d have narrowed the song pool.
Arrangements could be forecast too:
List arrangement types used most in the last three years.
Weight new arrangements from the past year.
Exclude arrangements used in the last three episodes.
Once we had song and arrangement patterns, it was smooth:
“Think this will be funny?”
“No.”
“OK, they won’t do country. Pass.”
With a home-grown talent rating S+, we matched arrangements easily.
‘That covered over half.’
Under Kim Rae-bin’s lead, we predicted the feel of each arrangement, assigned main parts, and showed up ready.
But...
‘How the hell did they pull ballet out of nowhere!?’
I expected opera, but never thought they’d throw in an instrumental dance piece. Then Seon Ah-hyun’s opening ballet move blew everyone’s minds.
‘If it wasn’t for him, we would’ve been screwed.’
This bit demanded flawlessly themed performance from start to finish. Panicking would’ve been the «N.o.v.e.l.i.g.h.t» worst.
Instead, he saved us—and delivered a legendary play.
“I heard he majored in dance, but how did that come out perfectly there?”
“I, um, we prepared it for our middle school recital...”
“Remembering that is incredible—absolutely jaw-dropping!”
“I... this stuff just comes naturally to me...”
No excuses accepted.
By the time it was wrap, Seon Ah-hyun stepped down blushing, still receiving applause.
“Um...”
Yet he lingered, starting to speak, then halting.
‘Hmm.’
Like when our album concept hit big, there was that look of anticipation on his face.
Got it.
‘He wants to ask about it.’
He must’ve judged he had the skill to join in the conversation Big Sejin and I were having.
Qualifications aside, he did carry this whole thing.
‘Can’t put it off any longer.’
I looked at Big Sejin. He nodded.
Alright... damn it. Let’s talk.
By the way, this scheme was truly idiotic.
