(BL) Taming the Field Guide-Chapter 142: You can’t be together if you never even tried to get better
Gunther was staring at Kellen, and that was when Kellen noticed how puffy and red his eyes were. The man had been crying, and Kellen found himself nodding. Taylor had the others had told him that crying was therapeutic, even against what Kellen had been told when he was younger that crying wasn’t therapeutic. Kellen found that the newer information was right, and was glad to see that Gunther was participating in something healing for him.
The distant sound of the kettle clicking into place and the button being pressed registered in Kellen’s mind before Rhys spoke up.
"Herbal, my love?" Rhys asked and Kellen found himself nodding.
"Yes please." Kellen replied. Kellen watched Gunther’s gaze dart between them at the simple, soft interaction. He knew that they were upset with each other, and that it wasn’t a small upset. However, Kellen wasn’t yelling, wasn’t screaming, even if he had every right to. He was sitting calmly across from him, his idiotic boyfriend making him tea like nothing was happening.
Gunther glanced between them a few more times before his shoulders slumped.
"I don’t think I’ll ever be okay." It was a full confession. Something unprompted, but not unwelcome. Kellen furrowed his brows in concern.
"What do you mean?" Kellen asked, curious and also hurting for the other man. That felt like it came from his soul, not just his mouth and vocal chords. Gunther grabbed the neck of the bottle he had been playing with before, raising the mouth to his lips and taking a swig. He exhaled loudly when he was done, twirling the bottle in between his fingers again as he stared at it.
"I mean that I think I can’t be as soft as you two. I shouldn’t be as angry as I am with Casper, but I am. I shouldn’t be having nightmares every night, but I am. I’m being honest with Taylor because I know that you will get mad at me and I am terrified of that, but I don’t feel like I’m doing it for any good reasons. Why am I trying to get better when nothing feels good and I’m worried I am going to hurt the people I care about? I’m putting on the mask, saying that everything is okay but I-" Kellen cut off his ramble, his own expression tight with worry and anger on Gunther’s behalf.
"Gunther, you were caught and captured by the E.A.G. You were tortured. You shouldn’t be okay right now. I think I would be more afraid if you were thinking you were completely sane right now." Kellen told him and Gunther gave a soft smile.
"Yeah?" He asked and Kellen nodded.
"Yeah." Kellen confirmed. "Also, everyone fears if they are going to hurt the people they care about. I am slowly understanding that Espers do that more than Guides, but I also worry about those things. It’s responsible and reasonable to worry about those things." Kellen shrugged his shoulders when Gunther looked up at him. "We are in a dangerous line of work. You would know that very well. We can put the people we care about in danger. My parents are aware of it, I’m aware of it, Rhys is also aware of it. He also knows that like him, I am not going to ever be able to stop it. I think what’s going on right now is that you are thinking that you can stop, but I know that’s not true. You’re like Rhys, you’re like Hill, you’re like Brent. You’re like us, Gunther, and that’s okay. That’s why Espers make found families instead of always sticking to the ones that they were born with." Kellen was speaking as if he was some kind of authority while fully knowing he would never part from his birth family.
Gunther smirked, as if knowing that as well.
"I didn’t realise I shared so many things in common with you." He muttered, sounding amused and Kellen stared at him.
"Gunther, while you don’t have to accept the help we offer, I don’t think I ever want to hear you saying that you won’t be okay ever again. I know you’re trying, but being okay is hard work. I...I know how frustrating it can be. Being patient sucks. It’s generally terrible and knowing that everyone else knows you aren’t okay also sucks. Pity sucks." Kellen told him, his jaw tight. "But you know what’s worse? Not knowing what your life could be outside of it. I tasted what a good life could be, and I am not going to let my problems get in the way of it. So what if what I imagined is slightly different then the reality? I’ve changed since then." Kellen said with a shrug. "Nothing is ever the same twice." Kellen knew that from his time in gates.
No matter how much he examined gates, learned patterns, took groups on the same path, things were never the same twice.
Gunther took a swig from his drink again, nodding slowly. The kettle clicked, Kellen heard Rhys pour the water into a mug and then put it back onto the counter. Then, he came over, planting himself between Kellen and Gunther. Not as a buffer, but because Kellen had put himself against the side of the couch. He placed Kellen’s tea down on the coffee table, smiling at him.
"There, sugar. I bought that hoping that I’d be able to serve it to you at some point. I didn’t think it would be when Gunther wasn’t doing well, but I’m glad we were able to serve it still." Gunther looked flushed at the reminder and Kellen smacked Rhys’ shoulder gently.
"That was rude." Kellen told him with a frown and Rhys smiled. He turned to his friend, chuckling.
"Was it? He’s not well right now. He’s lucky I didn’t call it a mental breakdown. He’s two steps away from it." Rhys teased. Then his expression grew serious. "Kellen is right, though. We’re all changing. I mean, take my story as a very good example. You know what I planned Kellen and I’s future to look like. It’s a good thing I changed and became the man that I am today, otherwise we wouldn’t even be able to have these kinds of conversations." Rhys told him.
Gunther looked a little pale for a second before he nodded hastily.
"Agreed. Okay. I understand a little bit what you are getting at." He muttered. "Can I have another beer?" He asked. Rhys nodded, easily getting to his feet and being the runner for his boyfriend and best friend. Kellen wanted to protest, saying he could grab it, but Rhys squeezed Kellen’s shoulder on his way by. Sensing that Kellen wanted to help, but silently telling him that he had this.
Rhys came back shortly, the silence between Kellen and Gunther not uncomfortable, but charged.
"So...I hear that Casper has been pestering you?" Kellen began, trying to change the topic. Gunther nearly choked on the remainder of his beer before turning an accusing look towards Rhys.
"Hey, you aren’t the only one who told me that." As if that made it right. Gunther scowled at his best friend.
"Oh, I suppose the other person was Taylor, was it? She has it out for Casper. I don’t know why since neither are willing to speak to me about it." Ah, so this was one of the reasons why Rhys had Kellen come in.
To tell Gunther about all the things going on with Casper. However, Kellen wasn’t going to do it the way that Rhys wanted him to.
"Gunther, you know that I who saw that you were captured and in a bad way, right?" Kellen asked and Gunther nodded. He put his empty bottle on the coffee table, reaching for the full one Rhys had grabbed him.
"Yeah. I know that."
"Were you aware that it was Casper touching me who triggered it?" Kellen asked and watched Gunther pause, the bottle half raised to his lips. His eyes widened.
"No. I had no idea. Seriously?" He asked and Kellen nodded.
"I’m sure he feels some guilt about it, but I wouldn’t blame him for it. We don’t really know what triggers what’s happening with me yet. He just happened to be in the wrong place, right time." Kellen said. Rhys didn’t like that response, nor did Gunther, but Kellen wouldn’t ever be upset that he had been able to see something that saved another person. "Either way, Casper was there and he was able to allow me to see something about you so that we could save you." Kellen told him.
"That’s, well, that’s amazing." Gunther admitted.
"Yeah, it is, which makes everything else that Casper has done since we got back from the gate even harder to swallow." Kellen told him and Gunther’s brows drew together.
Kellen then proceeded to go on a 15 minute long explanation of everything Casper had done, and hadn’t done. He even included the complaints from Kellen’s own Dad, some of the concerns from his students, and then, sadly, Kellen’s own issues that he’d been having with Casper. Especially how Casper was dodging being in the same space as Kellen, similar to how he had behaved before.
Unlike last time though, Casper didn’t appear to want to reconcile, so Kellen didn’t even know what he had done wrong. Kellen finished his story saying that he knew Casper wasn’t doing okay. That something was seriously wrong, and while it didn’t stem from his relationship with Gunther, he was sure that when Casper hit him, something inside of Casper might have broken.
Kellen then went on to say that he and the others should have noticed it more, should have encouraged that he went to therapy harder, because now everything good that Casper had ever done was being tainted by his behaviour now. There were a lot of Guides in the Guild who had never known a strong, capable Casper.
They knew Kellen’s Dad, not Lieutenant Casper of the Saturn Guild. Gunther looked devastated to hear it, and also not that surprised. He looked ill, pale, and he’d finished the bottle while Kellen spoke. Rhys had wordlessly gotten up and grabbed him another one.
"I...I don’t want to admit that I sensed something was wrong, but I...I couldn’t imagine this." Gunther muttered. "Fuck. He’s so nervous and jittery right now. Even the cute way he spikes his hair when he’s nervous is a little too erratic right now." Gunther’s eyes watered. "Are we just not good together? Even as...as friends?" The word seemed to hurt leaving his mouth and Kellen frowned.
"Well, can I be honest?" Kellen asked and Gunther swallowed. He nodded. "You two have never even been together. No one really knew that you two even liked each other, including Rhys. Pamela might be the only one who knew, and that probably had to be clawed out of Casper. I think you two need to sit down and talk. Maybe with a mediator who keeps you both in your seats until everything is out in the open. Then, you two need to decide what is best. Casper has to be benched right now because he’s got a lot to answer for, and to heal from. It’s probably years in the making." Kellen warned him. "Same with yours. Casper had ideals of you, Gunther, and that’s not fair to you, or to him, and now he’s spiraling. Dad can pick up the pieces, and as much as I hate to say it, we have Jax and Jules here too. You need to also go into therapy. Full stop. We all need it, including myself." Kellen admitted, swallowing. "But, I don’t think it’s right to say that you two are bad for each other until you deal with the bullshit that kept you apart in the first place." Kellen hesitated. "And get that damn compatibility test. That’s been hanging over both of you for too damn long." Kellen warned.
He would know.
Gunther coughed, nodding, taking Kellen’s words to heart.
A knock sounded at the door and Rhys got up.
"That is probably the take out we ordered." Rhys said, breaking the tension. Kellen was glad it had arrived. They needed some fresh air.
