(BL) Hunting The Field Guide-Chapter 451: I’ve never wanted to change you

Rhys dragged Kellen across the hall to the guiding room there. Kellen, without much thought, checked to see if it was booked for any time coming up and found that it wasn’t, which settled some of his concerns. The room was small, quiet, and you couldn’t hear the noises from outside.

Rhys sat down on the bed, looking stricken, and Kellen closed the door gently behind him, locking it just to make sure. The feeling was still there, the worry churning his gut.

Kellen stood by the door, giving them some space as Rhys bent further, dropping his head down as he rested both of his elbows on his knees. The sigh that left his body had more of Kellen’s hair standing on end.

"Kellen." Rhys began. Hearing him say his name didn’t bring him joy. Something was about to come out of his mouth that Kellen knew he wasn’t going to like. He could already imagine what it was, but he didn’t want to hear it. Things were going well for them. He didn’t want anything to throw that off. They were good.

Kellen could feel his breath hitch. His body knew. Rhys knew. He knew. He was just in denial.

"Don’t say it." Kellen found himself saying quietly. "Don’t say no." Rhys let out a sigh. It was heavy, and the whole room felt weighed down by it. Kellen’s breathing grew harsher.

Rhys raised his head and Kellen met his gaze for a second before he had to tear it away. His eyes were wide, panicked. The brief second he’d met Rhys’ gaze had made this only worse. novelbuddy-cσ๓

He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t upset. He was sad. That only made this worse.

"Kellen. I’ve been the one avoiding it. I know. I know who you...are." Rhys let out another breath, and it sounded like he was restraining himself. Kellen swallowed. Rhys sounded like he was on the edge. Like he was about to cry.

Kellen didn’t know what to do with that information.

"I am me." Kellen agreed. He was still by the door. Still awkward. His chest was still tight, his breathing still compromised. Why was this so hard for him? Why was this so hard for both of them?

"I’ve never wanted to change you. Not really. I’ve always loved how passionate and dedicated you are." That didn’t have a good ring to it. That sounded...terrible, actually. "There have been moments where I’ve worried greatly for you, but I know you’ll be safe. You’ve done this...hundreds of times." Rhys whispered the last words, sounding like they were painful to come out of his mouth. He sighed, shaking his head, shaking himself. Like he was trying to get a grip again. "This is different." Kellen was on the defense, panicking.

"How is this different?" He snapped and winced as Rhys raised his head, looking at him with soulful, yellow eyes. His hands were trembling, and his face was...white. Pale.

"You know how this is different. You, of all people, know how this is different." Kellen shut up at the soft words. They weren’t accusing. They were just...honest. He was right. Kellen was the one who pointed them in the right direction. He was the one who told them how dangerous this gate was.

That didn’t change anything for Kellen.

"Kellen. I’m saying this to tell you I’ve never doubted you or your abilities. I never have. Even when you interviewed, I never doubted you. You were nervous, sure, but you had a confidence about you that others would find cocky. It just told me you grew up with an Esper Mother. That was all. I...I love this part of you." Kellen’s heart twisted painfully as Rhys dropped his head again. The bed creaked as he shifted slightly. "With all that said...I can’t. I can’t agree with this." Rhys whispered.

Kellen’s hands clenched into balls. He opened his mouth, but he closed it quickly. Everything he was going to say was going to be mean, rough. Ragged. He didn’t want to hurt Rhys. That wasn’t his goal. He could feel that his emotions were all over the place. He knew that. He didn’t like that Rhys, his boyfriend, was telling him no when it came to this.

He knew that he had given Rhys the right, hell, the man was technically his boss, but that didn’t make this any easier. It sure wasn’t easy for Rhys.

He looked like he had run a mile, his chest heaving. Both men were desperately trying to control themselves. Keep themselves together. One wrong move and this could devolve from a conversation into a full blown argument.

"Why?" Kellen eventually asked as the air was stagnant with the words neither of them wanted to say. To yell. Rhys let out a shuddering breath.

"It’s...it’s too dangerous. Too dangerous. You’ve been away from the front lines for a while, almost a year now, or it feels like. I don’t doubt your form. You’ve kept yourself in good shape, but...please. Please get someone else." Rhys was begging him and Kellen gulped. Hearing the man sound so broken twisted something inside of Kellen.

He knew that they were going to have this conversation at some point.

Both of them did. That obviously didn’t make this easier.

Kellen swallowed thickly, before taking a few stuttering steps towards Rhys. When he got to the other man, he fell to his knees before him, gently placing his hands on his knees and Rhys let out a shaky breath. He raised his gaze to Kellen, his yellow eyes searching, desperate. Watering.

"Rhys." Kellen said softly and Rhys shook his head, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to hear it, probably because he already knew what Kellen was going to say. "I know I talked a big game to those fucking idiots who run the city, but I’m going to be honest with you. No...No secrets between us." That only made Rhys look even more ill. "It’s my sister, Rhys. It’s Gwen." Kellen choked up. He had to take a second to compose himself. "I can’t leave her like that. She’s probably counting down the minutes until I burst through the foliage and save her ass." The words were hard to say. Hard to speak out loud.

Kellen felt like his chest was going to cave in from how he was trying to make it light, but the first tear rolled down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away and placed his hand back on Rhys’ knee.

"And then there’s Brent. I can’t leave him alone either. He’s good, but I just...I can’t leave him alone if he’s in the gate too. And most of the people who got sucked in were my students. Our people. I can’t...out of everyone, it should be me. Everyone knows it. I have the most knowledge, the most experience, it’s our Guild." Rhys was crumbling with each word out of Kellen’s mouth.

Like Kellen was deflating him.

Kellen stopped, worried about how Rhys was holding up during this conversation.

The slow exhale, the shaky breath in, and then the soft, shaky exhale almost broke Kellen. The words that left Rhys’ mouth did.

"But I just got you." Rhys whispered. "I just did it. We just started being together. Everything just started falling into place. I can’t lose you, Kellen. You’re my...you’re my everything." Rhys’ whispered words tore through all of Kellen’s defenses. It was only made worse when he realised that the other man was crying.

He was crumbling because there was a chance that Kellen could not come back. Not come out of the gate. Kellen felt his hands tighten on Rhys’ knees, and Rhys’ shoulders shook. He covered his face with a hand, hiding the pure devastation and fear on his face from Kellen.

"We just started truly living together. Why? Why do you want to put yourself in this level of danger? Why can’t you give this to someone else?" Rhys asked, begging. "I know you’re a perfectionist. I know that. But please, Kellen. Please." The begging was killing Kellen.

He didn’t know what to say to it. His throat felt swollen. He wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to say that he had this. Nothing bad was going to happen, but he couldn’t promise that. This was a very real concern. Rhys had every right to cry like this.

There was a reason everyone was giving him pitying looks around the Guild. Why his Dad had sobbed like the world was ending.

"Rhys, I...I feel like I’m being drawn to the front lines." Kellen told him softly. "Not in a normal way." The words caught in Kellen’s throat and Rhys began to shake his head.

"No. No." He sounded heartbroken. Out of everyone, he knew what Kellen was saying. Kellen’s hands tightened on Rhys’ knees, the sounds coming from this normally strong man breaking his heart. He felt helpless, hopeless.

"It’s been a pulse under my skin. I think...I think I have to be the one to do this." Kellen told him softly and Rhys shook his head vigorously.

"No! It doesn’t have to be you. I can’t lose you, Kellen! I don’t have anyone else to lose." Rhys was shaking and Kellen couldn’t take it anymore. He reached out, grabbing the other man and wrapping him up in his arms. Forcing the man’s face into his chest, holding onto his head. The man grabbed at him, his hands desperate as he wrapped around him. Holding him tightly.

Kellen held onto him. He wanted to tell him he had plenty of people around him that mattered to him, that cared about him, but this wasn’t the time. He just held the man as he cried. Sobbed. Kellen felt like his heart was shattering because it was clear that Rhys knew.

Rhys knew that he hadn’t convinced Kellen not to go.

Kellen also knew that he hadn’t convinced Rhys to say yes to it either.

They were at an impasse. Nothing had changed, but the feelings tied up in the decision had been stirred up, dragged up to the surface. Kellen knew this wouldn’t be the last conversation they had about this, and that only made him nervous.

Rhys sounded and felt like he was bargaining with the devil who was supposed to steal his lover away. Kellen worried about what he would come up with next.

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