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... from collapsing into total farce, I have yet to master it. Every morning I vow to be dignified, prepared, perhaps even slightly regal. Every evening I fall into bed with jam in my hair, diplomatic immunity in question, and at least one new reason to avoid the kitchens.

This day began, as all great tragedies do, with breakfast.

I arrived at the dining hall to find it in a state of mild hysteria. The tables were set, the toast was—miraculously not on fire, and the portraits of form ...

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