The Mob Character Who Woke Up!-Chapter 59: What did he sign up for! (3)

"But Kaizen, may I ask you a serious question that’s been bothering me? Why exactly did you choose this particular stream out of all the available options?"

Finch gestured around the dilapidated shack with both hands, specifically pointing at the cobwebs hanging from the ceiling like decorative death threats and the empty sake bottles littering every available surface like some kind of alcoholic graveyard.

"There are six other impressive Elemental Towers on this campus that actually look like proper academic buildings. They have proper heating systems that work. They have functioning cafeterias with actual food. They have professors who are actually conscious before noon and sometimes even teach classes.

"And honestly, for someone at F-Rank like yourself, Pyromancy is usually considered the safest bet for advancement because it’s literally idiot-proof. Fire is fire, no matter how weak the mana source powering it is, you just point and things burn.

"So why come here to this abandoned shack that smells like a brewery? Why deliberately choose the path of pain and suffering when easier options exist?"

Kaizen chuckled awkwardly and scratched the back of his head while looking down at his lap like a student who hadn’t done his homework.

"Well, it’s mainly because of my current loadout and equipment situation."

"Your loadout?"

"Yeah, exactly. I have a weapon. A very specific weapon that I think, actually no, I know for absolute certain would benefit massively from Kinetic manipulation and vector control."

Finch’s eyebrows shot up so fast they nearly achieved escape velocity and left his face entirely. His eyes sparkled with genuine excitement behind his thick lenses like a kid being told about a new toy.

"A weapon that’s actually attuned to Axiomancy? That’s incredibly rare in the modern era! Most weapons rely entirely on elemental enchantments like flaming swords that never stop burning or freezing daggers that turn blood to ice on contact.

"But a weapon that specifically requires vector calculation for optimal use? That requires pure physics manipulation instead of just raw elemental power? You could find more practicing Axiomancers hiding in a goblin cave than you could find weapons designed specifically for Axiomancy in the entire world!"

He looked at Kaizen’s backpack with something approaching religious reverence, like it contained holy relics.

"Please! You absolutely must show me! Is it perhaps a gravity hammer that manipulates mass? A zero-friction spear that ignores air resistance?"

"Uh, sure, I can show you."

Kaizen reached to his side and unzipped his bag slowly while Finch hovered over him eagerly, practically vibrating with excitement like a hummingbird that had consumed seventeen espresso shots.

As the zipper opened, the morning sunlight streaming through the dirty window glinted beautifully off a black, lacquered scabbard decorated with intricate gold filigree that looked expensive and deadly.

Finch gasped audibly and pressed both hands to his chest.

"By the Flamingo! Is that a katana? Look at the craftsmanship! The balance must be absolutely exquisite based on the weight distribution! To think a blade like that specifically requires Axiomancy for proper use, is it perhaps a spatial cutting edge that manipulates dimensional vectors to cut through space itself?"

Finch reached out with a trembling hand like he was approaching a sacred artifact.

Kaizen casually shoved the katana aside like it was garbage.

"No, not that one. That’s just a flashlight."

"A what now?"

Kaizen ignored him completely and reached deeper into the bag past the useless sword. He grabbed a handle that was wrapped in a filthy, grease-stained rag that looked like it had been used to clean a medieval latrine.

He pulled.

Squelch.

It came out with a wet, disturbing sound that suggested it was not only sticky but possibly alive with microorganisms.

Kaizen held it up proudly like a father presenting his newborn child.

It was round and vaguely pan-shaped. It was brown in a way that brown should never be. It was flaky with rust that looked older than the academy itself and possibly older than the kingdom and maybe even older than the concept of hygiene.

It smelled faintly of burnt bacon mixed with dog poop and possibly cat poop too.

Mr. Finch didn’t gasp in awe this time. He recoiled in horror.

He jumped back two full steps and covered his mouth and nose with his sleeve like he was facing a biological hazard, which to be fair, he probably was.

"What the hell is that thing?! Put it away immediately before it contaminates the entire room! I can feel the bacteria colonies multiplying from here! Is that thing classified as a bio-weapon by international law?!"

Kaizen’s face flushed bright red with embarrassment and indignation.

"It’s not a bio-weapon! This, this is a legitimate D-Rank weapon! It’s called the Rusty Pan of Doom and it has historical significance!"

Silence filled the shack like someone had sucked all the air out. The wind chime hanging outside dinged sadly in the breeze, mourning the death of Kaizen’s dignity.

"That’s supposedly a D-Rank weapon? That literal piece of tetanus?"

Kaizen nodded his head vigorously.

Then Mr. Finch snorted.

"Pfft."

"It’s not funny!"

"BWAHAHAHA!"

Finch doubled over completely and slapped his knee repeatedly while tears streamed down his face and his glasses fogged up from the moisture.

"The Rusty Pan of Doom?! DOOM?! It looks like it would give you food poisoning and doom if you tried to cook a simple egg in it! Oh my gods! You picked Axiomancy specifically for cookware?! This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in five years!"

"It has a multiplier attribute that stores kinetic energy and releases it on impact!"

Kaizen tried to defend his life choices but it was too late.

Suddenly, a hand shot up dramatically from the floor like a zombie emerging from a grave.

The Professor, who had definitely been in what appeared to be a medically-induced coma just five seconds ago, snapped upright like a possessed marionette. His eyes were wide open and completely manic with unholy glee.

He pointed a shaking finger directly at the pan like he was identifying a criminal.

"A PAN! THE BOY BROUGHT A SOUP LADLE TO A MAGIC FIGHT! FINCH! LOOK AT IT! IT’S THE MOST HIDEOUS THING I’VE EVER SEEN AND I ONCE FOUGHT A DEMON WITH SEVENTEEN EYES!"

"I know, Professor! It’s absolutely disgusting! I think it’s a health code violation!"

Finch wheezed while trying desperately to catch his breath between laughing fits.

"A PAN OF DOOM! HAHAHA! DOES IT INFLICT CHOLESTEROL DAMAGE?! DOES IT GIVE ENEMIES HEART DISEASE?!"

A vein popped visibly on Kaizen’s forehead and began throbbing.

It throbbed. Once. Twice. Three times.

’I hate this class. I hate everyone in this class. I hate this entire department with every fiber of my being.’

Kaizen’s grip tightened on the handle until his knuckles turned white.

"Go back to sleep, Professor."

WHAM.

He swung the pan with all the rage of a thousand suns.

It connected perfectly with the top of the Professor’s supposedly indestructible S-Rank skull.

BONK.

The sound was absolutely comical and echoed through the shack. Like a hollow coconut being enthusiastically hit with a metal spoon or maybe a cartoon sound effect.

Professor Mortimer’s eyes rolled back instantly and completely. His tongue lolled out like a dog’s on a hot day. He collapsed back onto the floor in slow motion, landing flat as a pancake with his arms and legs spread out.

Snork, mimimimi.

The snoring resumed immediately as if nothing had happened, like his body had just accepted this as a normal Tuesday occurrence.

Kaizen stood over the unconscious body, breathing heavily like he had just run a marathon, holding the smoking pan that was probably warm from the stored kinetic energy.

He looked directly at a terrified Mr. Finch who had stopped laughing and was now backing away slowly.

"Anyone else want to laugh at the cookware? Anyone? Because I have plenty of kinetic energy stored up now."