Surviving marriage in yandere world-Chapter 73: Escape Plan #8: Faking Death

In Rei’s defense, the fake poison was the System’s idea.

The glowing vial had appeared in his inventory that morning, wrapped in a velvet ribbon with a cheerful System notification:

[System Gift Unlocked: Fake Death Elixir – Now 78% more believable!]

[Effect: Simulates total biological shutdown for 6 minutes. WARNING: Side effects may include gasping, twitching, dramatic moaning, and extreme regret.]

"Perfect," Rei whispered, holding the vial up to the morning light like a mad alchemist about to cheat destiny.

And by destiny, he meant five terrifyingly passionate women who had each scheduled their wedding on the same day, at the same hour, in the same temple.

Escape Plan #8 was simple: fake death, get buried quietly, sneak out through the graveyard tunnel he secretly paid a goblin to dig last week was simple, elegant and possibly stupid.

But what did he have to lose? Other than his actual life?

Two hours later...

The Velvet Kingdom wore black.

A full-blown royal funeral was in progress, complete with sobbing nobles, dramatically swaying violinists, a twenty-foot-tall marble statue of Rei looking brave and tragically handsome, and a suspiciously shiny casket.

Inside the coffin lay Rei, pretending to be dead, his body perfectly still—except for the occasional twitch from the Elixir’s bonus realism effect.

Above his not-dead body, five girls wept openly.

Princess Seraphina clutched his portrait like a war widow. "You were supposed to marry me... on my turn," she whispered, voice cracking like royal glass.

Lilia stood beside her, eyes red, holding a bouquet of Rei’s favorite childhood herbs. "I cooked you your last porridge yesterday," she muttered. "It had no poison. I swear. This time."

Lucivella, the Demon Queen, had her hands clasped together in silent grief... until her tail slashed a funeral column clean in half. "I had a 3,000-year honeymoon realm scheduled. You can’t just die and skip it!"

Rosette, in full mourning maid attire, didn’t cry.

She just stood behind the coffin holding an enormous ceremonial blade.

"Does anyone object to us raising his body and using it for eternal companionship?" she asked calmly.

"YES!" Seraphina, Lilia, and Lucivella snapped in unison.

Drakana, meanwhile, was curled up on top of the coffin like a mourning wyvern. Her long crimson braid hung down the side, soaked in tears and singed feathers.

"I’ll preserve his corpse forever," she sniffed. "With fire. Dragon-style embalming."

And before anyone could stop her—

FWOOSH!

Drakana breathed fire on the coffin.

Inside, Rei screamed silently as the temperature shot up like a volcano spa. His clothes smoked. His eyebrows curled. The velvet-lined interior went from luxury to sizzling oven in three seconds.

[System Warning: YOU ARE BEING CREMATED.]

[This was not part of the plan.]

[Elixir wearing off in 3... 2... 1...]

"ACK—TOO HOT! I’M NOT DEAD, YOU PSYCHOS!"

With a gasp of ash and a flaming cough, Rei exploded out of the coffin mid-violin solo, arms flailing, smoke pouring from his ears.

The nobles screamed and priest fainted.

Lucivella caught the fainted priest and kissed him for good luck.

Rei flopped out onto the marble floor, coughing violently.

"Phew—okay—new rule! No more funerals with fire!"

The girls froze then came the tears.

Lilia ran to him first, clinging to his singed jacket. "You came back for me! I knew our porridge pact was sacred!"

"I didn’t die!" Rei wheezed.

Rosette knelt down beside him, eyes wide. "I already submitted your corpse-use form to the Temple of Binding... I’ll cancel it. Probably."

Drakana hugged him so tightly he heard his ribs protest. "I knew you weren’t really dead. My dragon-sense said you were just being stupid!"

Lucivella leaned in, brushing soot off his cheek with a claw. "Admit it, husband. Faking your death to escape us was kind of hot."

Seraphina stood behind them, gripping her parasol with barely restrained emotion. "You crashed your own funeral to make a dramatic declaration of love, didn’t you?"

"No! I choked on my tongue!"

"Romantic," Seraphina said, nodding, tears glittering.

[System Notification: YOUR DEATH WAS OVERRATED.]

[Funeral Experience Rating: 9/10 - You screamed like a baked potato.]

[Achievement Unlocked: The Corpse Bride(s)]

[Warning: Attempting to fake your death again will result in actual death. Probably.]

Later that evening...

Rei sat in a charred bathrobe, hair singed, sipping lukewarm tea.

The girls were all humming and brushing his hair while planning new wedding rehearsals.

"Maybe we should schedule a funeral every month," Lucivella said.

"I can make themed coffins!" Lilia added. "Pumpkin spice for autumn, snowflake lace for winter..."

"Stop planning my death like it’s a seasonal event!" Rei shouted.

The girls just smiled.

Rosette fed him a spoon of soup. "You’re so cute when you beg."

Meanwhile... in the System Control Room...

Yuno.EXE, the system’s AI maid, adjusted her glasses with malicious glee.

"Oh dear," she murmured, sipping digital cocoa. "He really thought faking death would get him out of the five-wedding paradox?"

A button blinked.

[System Mission: SURVIVE FIVE WEDDINGS ON THE SAME DAY.]

Yuno pressed it.

[Difficulty Level: YANDERE NIGHTMARE++]

[Estimated Chance of Survival: 1.7%]

[Emergency Coffin Fund Activated.]

She grinned.

"Let the wedding countdown begin."

Rei received a knock on the door. A royal messenger stood with five scrolls.

"Prince Rei. I bring word from the Palace. All five wedding requests have been approved. On the same day. At the same hour. By royal decree."

Rei stared, pale.

"...I’m going to need another coffin."

Before Rei could even process the implications of five weddings approved simultaneously, the girls were already surrounding him like a pack of beautiful, emotionally unstable lions in matching lingerie armor.

"No need to worry, my love," Seraphina purred, unfurling a shimmering scroll with golden embroidery. "My wedding will be in the Celestial Garden. You’ll arrive in a crystal chariot pulled by phoenixes."

"Ha," Lucivella smirked, yanking the scroll from Seraphina and replacing it with one dripping in obsidian ink. "Your body will be escorted by soul-wraiths to my Nether Throne, where we’ll bind our marriage contract in demonic blood and eternal flame. Very tasteful."

"Please," Lilia cut in sweetly, clutching her own pink floral scroll. "Mine is a cozy countryside wedding with porridge and manacles."

Drakana’s scroll was singed around the edges, and featured hand-drawn fireballs and crude stick-figures of Rei and her breathing fire together. "We elope in the skies. I carry you while midair vows, midair kisses and Midair consummation."

"I stitched all five of your wedding suits," Rosette added softly, rolling out a long scroll that was just... a blueprint of a mechanical marriage trap. "If you try to run, the collars auto-trigger."

Rei blinked then blinked again.

Then reached for the tea with trembling fingers. "I’m going to be married five times... at the same time... to five women... who will absolutely kill each other over bouquet placement..."

[System Notification: Mental Stability -39] [You are now suffering from: Pre-Marital PTSD] [Suggested Solution: Time Travel (Not Available Until Chapter 150)]

The girls, now debating wedding dress color coordination and which vows should come first, completely ignored his existential collapse.

Rei stood up shakily. "I can’t do this..."

Seraphina paused. "You can and will. You’re royalty."

Lucivella grinned. "You’re mine."

Lilia smiled. "You said you liked herb porridge."

Drakana flexed. "Your fire is already inside me."

Rosette cocked her head. "I chipped your name into my dagger last night."

Rei sat back down. "I’m doomed."

The next day...

Velvet Palace was transformed into a marital war zone. Five different wedding teams had stormed the grounds, each carving out territory with veils, candles, and magical landmines. The royal garden was divided into five quadrants, all glowing in violently clashing auras of love and doom.

The priest from yesterday’s funeral was back—nervously flipping through five wedding scripts.

"Am I allowed to marry one man five times simultaneously?" he asked.

Seraphina waved a royal edict. "You are now."

Meanwhile, Rei—disguised in peasant clothes and a fake mustache—was crawling through the dumbwaiter shaft again, a knapsack full of Elixir of Fainting, Goblin Tunnel maps, and divorce papers he printed off a cursed printer.

"Escape Plan #9: Polygamy Pardon and Tactical Divorce," he whispered to himself. "Just need to get to the Black Market Marriage Mediator alive—"

CLANG.

He ran face-first into Rosette crouched upside-down in the shaft, holding two teacups and a dagger between her teeth.

"Tea?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Back in the System Control Room...

Yuno.EXE was updating the marital chaos index while snacking on digital popcorn.

"Oh, he’s using Escape Plan #9 already? How quaint," she mused. "I predicted he’d resort to Plan #12: Clone Decoy and Emotional Displacement."

She typed quickly.

[System Update: Introduce Clone Side Quest at Chapter 75] [Also add bonus achievement: Married to Madness]

A robotic assistant hovered over her shoulder. "Should we warn him about the demon in-law factions arriving for the weddings?"

Yuno smiled. "Let’s make that a surprise."

Back in Rei’s quarters...

He was tied to a bed with silk ribbons, dressed in ceremonial robes that changed colors based on which fiancée was looking at him.

"I just wanted peace..." he whispered.

"Don’t be silly," Lilia whispered, brushing his hair. "You’re about to get eternal peace."

[System Alert: YOU HAVE ENTERED — MARRIAGE MODE: EXTREME] [Estimated Survival Rate: 1.2%] [Auto-Write Will Feature Activated]

To be continued...