Submitting to My Best Friend's Dad-Chapter 901 : Fear and Tears

*Bianca*

My nerves rattled inside me as Leo stared intently into my eyes. The words were right on my tongue, but only silence filled the air. How was I supposed to tell him I was pregnant when I could barely believe the news myself?

“Bianca?” He spoke in a soft tone. “What’s going on?”

I nodded my head and took a deep breath. I just needed to get the words out. If I just said it, then we could figure this out together. I hoped.

“All right,” I breathed. “So –.”

Before I could get the words out, Leo’s cell phone began to ring from within the front pocket of his pants. Great.

“I’m sorry. Hold that thought,” he spoke quickly before pulling out his phone and answering it.

I tried to hide the annoyance that had begun to flare inside me. I didn’t want him to see it. Though I was grateful that he no longer felt the need to hide his mafia dealings, I still couldn’t help but wish he’d put me above his mafia life.

And now that I am pregnant, I can’t help but wonder if that would ever change? If I had this baby with him, would he continue to always put the mafia first? Would the baby and I always be put second?

“Hey, can this wait?” Leo spoke frankly into the phone.

My fingertips drummed against the kitchen table as I waited for Leo’s attention to return to me. I was feeling impatient, and almost too anxious to remain quiet for much longer.

“I’ll be right there.”

My eyes shot daggers at Leo as I heard those words leave his mouth. You have got to be kidding me, I internally scoffed. Of course, he would have to leave right in the middle of something important. Of course, whatever it was couldn’t possibly wait for what I had to say.

Why was it that it always seemed Leo had to run off during something important between the two of us? He could never tell the man on the other end of the phone that he had something important to do at home, first.

“Please, don’t be upset with me, Bianca, but Franky needs me at the warehouse as soon as possible,” he said, reaching his hands out to place them over mine.

I nodded my head slowly without saying a word.

“I know you need to tell me something, but can it possibly wait just a little bit longer until I get back?” He asked, looking apologetic.

I felt the features on my face soften as I saw that he felt bad for having to leave. I sighed softly and looked up to meet his eyes.

“Sure,” I forced a smile as I held back the hurt blossoming inside my chest.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated his apology for good measure.

I nodded my head and kept the painted smile on my face. I was afraid if I stopped smiling before he left, I would break down in tears.

He stood up and walked over to me, bending down to kiss the top of my head.

“I’ll be back as soon as I possibly can,” he said with arched eyebrows.

“All right,” I managed to squeak out.

“I love you, Bianca,” he said before disappearing down the hallway.

“I love you too, Leo,” I said quietly to the empty space.

I was left alone, again. Alone in a huge, empty house. The silence was deafening. I could hear and feel my heartbeat within my ears.

What was I going to do?

My hand took on a life of its own and found its way to my stomach. I wasn’t alone, though, was I? There wasn’t only one heartbeat in the room, there were two.

Tears began spilling from my eyes, splashing down on the table like rain on a sidewalk. I didn’t know what to feel or what to think. All I could do was cry.

My eyes became puffy and swollen as I tried to take deep breaths to calm the monsoon within me. I stood up and took a bottle of water from out of the fridge before grabbing my keys off the counter.

A short moment later, I found myself sitting in Leo’s old car. I needed to clear my head. I needed to go for a late night drive with music blasting loudly. My kind of therapy session. It’s not like I could tell an actual therapist my feelings. I wasn’t allowed to be transparent with a stranger who wasn’t in the “know” of it all.

And Leo was gone. He left me alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with a potential problem that we were supposed to be sharing. Instead, all I had was myself.

Maybe problem was the wrong word to use. At this moment, I didn’t know what to call it.

I didn’t bother texting Leo to let him know I was leaving the house. I doubted he would make it home before me, anyway. He would never even know I left. I couldn’t tell if that was a bad thing or merely a thing that didn’t need to have any kind of meaning attached to it.

I plug the aux cord into my phone and open the music app. Finding the playlist I had created back when I had begun to feel trapped with Matteo, I hit the play button. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes before nodding my head to myself.

My hand gripped the shifter and put the car into drive. I pulled out of the driveway and turned the volume up until I was unable to hear my own thoughts. The window slid down and I placed my arm out into the night air as far as it would go.

My mind was silenced for a little while as I made my way out of the city. It hadn’t taken long for my thoughts to resurface, however.

My hand found its way towards my stomach once again and the fear returned. The worry. The anxiety. The questions.

What was I going to do?

I was still in college with a couple of years still ahead of me. How would I finish school with a baby? How would I possibly find the time to study and go to class without exhaustion weighing heavy on my shoulders?

I could picture it inside my head. A zombified version of myself with purple circles painted underneath my eyes walking into a classroom pretending like I didn’t have a baby who needed me at home.

How would I ever make it to graduation with a baby? Would Leo expect me to drop out of college to take care of our child full time? The way Leo is now, with me, I could not imagine him being much help.

When his other life required his attention, he’d leave no matter what. Baby or not, he’d be out that door before I could even ask him to stay. Beg him to stay.

I knew deep down, he’d never stay. Not for me. Not for a baby. Not for anything.

I didn’t want to become somebody else. I didn’t want to lose myself, my hopes, my dreams.

Tears had begun spilling from my eyes, blurring my vision. I pulled over to the side of the road and cried as hard as the emotions within me demanded. Fear, I had thought, was the emotion I felt most. Fear of the unknown.

I couldn’t be sure of how this would change my life. I couldn’t be sure of anything anymore. Except, there was one thing I needed Leo to know. This weight was too heavy for me to bear alone. I needed his support.

I couldn’t be sure of what his reaction would be, either. Would he be upset? Angry? Shocked? Scared?

Would he be happy by the news? Would he see this as some kind of gift to us?

I wasn’t sure I saw it that way. We hadn’t even been dating that long. A baby seemed insane this early in our relationship.

It wasn’t that long ago that we weren’t in a great place. He was lying and making me feel crazy. He made me doubt myself to keep his secret.

It had only been a couple months of us being in a good place. He wasn’t lying to me anymore. Though, he still kept the details of his mafia life vague and mostly to himself. He’d let me know where he was actually going, instead of lying and telling me he was going to some meeting for his real estate business.

He would answer his phone in front of me now. What he wouldn’t tell me, however, was why that man, Franky, would call him. He would always have to leave in such a rush. Sometimes, it didn’t bother me and I felt okay with not knowing too much. Other times, though, I would find myself obsessing over the details.

Was he going to be in danger, I’d ask myself. Should I expect some crazed gang member to break in and try to get to me, again?

The events of that horrible night still haunted my dreams, sometimes. It wasn’t an easy thing to forget. It wasn’t an easy thing to just set that fear aside and not feel a sense of worry that it could happen again at any moment.

From what I overheard, they had only caught the right hand man of the actual leader of that other mafia gang. So, there was still a bad guy out there. A bad guy that probably really wanted revenge now. It felt like it was only a matter of time before he’d strike.

However, it wouldn’t only be me he was getting to, now. I had another heartbeat to think of now. An innocent life.

I wondered if Leo would ever understand that. I had been around a few women in my family back home that had been pregnant. They would be so careful with their bodies. Although, one time, I had walked into one of my aunts resting a bowl of pasta on her huge belly while she ate out of it. I remembered thinking how funny I had found that.

That memory forced a couple small laughs out of me.

I nodded my head to myself for the hundredth time that night and placed my hands on the steering wheel. After inhaling and exhaling a couple of times, I pulled off from the side of the road and headed back in the direction of the estate.

It was late and Leo should be home soon. I needed to tell him tonight. It couldn’t wait any longer, I vowed. He needed to know and I needed him as a shoulder to lean on. That is the whole point in relationships, isn’t it? To always have someone you could rely on and go to when things are hard.

If he really loved me, then he needed to prove it by showing up for me.