My Desertion Would Be Faster Than Heros' Obsession-Chapter 62Vol 2. .3
D-1917 until discharge.
Gagne and Zara had been transferred to another unit.
The Cool Mint Ice 78th batch was now the highest-ranking among the senior soldiers.
And that meant one thing—new recruits were arriving.
“We’ve got three new recruits this time,” Benny reported.
“Oh?”
I responded without much enthusiasm.
Unlike me, Benny’s eyes sparkled with interest. Well, she was still at the stage where she cared about new recruits.
After all, since enlisting, both of her juniors—Sanchez and Dory—had managed to survive. She hadn’t yet experienced any particular reason to become disillusioned with new arrivals.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. Recruits... whoever was meant to survive would survive.
What mattered more right now was my own life—because according to the original novel, I was scheduled to die in just three months.
‘It’s a good thing I recovered my memories of the original story.’
I still regretted losing my real name in exchange, but what was more important was preventing my death in the story.
In the original, when Dalin enlisted, Aquila had just been promoted to senior soldier. And exactly one year before Dalin joined, the original Salvia died. Which meant that my death was set to happen three months from now.
The problem was, the novel never specified exactly how I died. It only mentioned that I died because of “a monster.”
The original novel was helpful for a lot of things, but when it came to saving my own damn life, it wasn’t much use at all.
That’s why I decided to make the most of what I could use. For instance, I needed to secure more allies.
As I sat there sewing with a grim expression, Benny suddenly spoke up in an impatient voice.
“Lady Salvia, don’t you think you should go check out the new recruits this time?”
Oh, right. We were talking about recruits.
Now that I thought about it, maintaining good relationships with my juniors was important for my survival. I had already heard how April’s old comrade, Venon, met his end.
‘A relationship that’s close enough but not too familiar, just enough that they don’t see me as weak.’
And if any of these new recruits turned out to be particularly strong, I could bring them over to my side and use them to help prevent my death.
“What are they like? Do they have a presence on Sanchez’s level?”
“Yes.”
At that, I dropped my needle. Wait—another recruit as impressive as Sanchez?
‘If I had two Sanchez-level recruits protecting me, I might actually survive!’
My heart started pounding at the thought of another powerful recruit joining the unit.
“H-how many of them?”
“Three.”
“Do they seem stronger than Sanchez?”
“Ah, well... not exactly.”
Benny hesitated before muttering in a small voice,
“The opposite, actually.”
“...Huh?”
“They’re, uh... memorable in the exact opposite way as Sanchez.”
***
A little later, I stood next to Benny, staring blankly at the new recruits.
Ah. Déjà vu.
Somehow, this felt exactly like the time Sanchez arrived.
The new recruits looked utterly clueless.
Of course, all recruits were supposed to be clueless. That was normal.
But these three...
‘Why do they look extra clueless?’
The three recruits were all men, and they were of similar build.
The one in the center had black hair, while the two recruits standing on either side of him both had bright red hair. The red-haired ones looked oddly alike—so much so that I started to wonder if they were brothers.
But the most striking thing about them was...
They were completely and utterly clueless.
Both of them were fumbling around, looking lost and uncertain. Their expressions, their body language, even the way they spoke—it was all awkward.
“...What were your names again?”
The officer in charge, Dier, had just stepped out onto the training field and asked the question in a bewildered voice.
The recruit standing on the far left shouted in an overly loud voice.
“Hello, sir! I used to work in the capital’s trading company! I’m Patty!”
Then, the recruit on the far right yelled just as loudly.
“I’m from a small farming village! My name is Matty!”
‘...Wow. Just... wow.’
Those were some ominous names.
Something about them felt like trouble waiting to happen.
Judging by the way Dier stiffened beside me, I wasn’t the only one with a bad feeling.
Then, as if they had just noticed, Patty and Matty turned to each other and gasped.
“Hey! Your name is really similar to mine!”
“You’re right! I feel like we’ll get along great!” ƒrēewebnoѵёl.cσm
“Haha! Let’s do our best together!”
“Yeah!”
Watching this, Dier rubbed the back of his neck.
“...Ugh.”
“W-what the hell...”
Even Benny muttered in a horrified whisper, and I could feel my own headache forming.
How could they be this innocently carefree? Why were they casually chatting in the middle of their introductions? Why were their greetings so cheerful?!
...No, actually, now that I thought about it—I knew exactly who they were.
Yeah, the effects of the dark magic artifact were really something...
“Patty and Matty...”
The names alone should’ve given it away.
They were comic relief characters.
Patty and Matty were responsible for all the slapstick humor in the original novel Nemijip. They were Dalin-tier deadweights.
The two of them always stuck together, and they had one normal recruit alongside them. The trio’s dynamic served as one of the main sources of comedy in the novel.
“...Are you two even paying attention?!”
El, who had been staring blankly at them like the rest of us, finally snapped when he saw Dier’s distorted expression. He shouted, and Patty and Matty instantly snapped to attention, standing stiffly.
“...And you, what’s your name?”
Dier asked the last recruit, the one standing between the two redheads—the poor bastard who was doomed to be stuck with them.
The recruit looked back and forth at his two exceptional comrades, then hesitantly answered.
“Uh... I’m just Jason.”
“...Right. Just Jason.”
And from that day on, the recruit’s official nickname became Just Jason.
***
When you get a bad feeling about something, it’s usually right.
Just as my instincts had warned me—and as the original novel had proven—Patty and Matty were legendary deadweights.
It was enough to make me reevaluate Dalin.
Dalin only caused problems when she was following orders.
But Patty and Matty? They actively searched for ways to cause problems.
So, if anything, Patty and Matty were on an entirely different level.
For example—
“Oh? Was this where we were supposed to put the used bowls? I accidentally put my empty one here earlier!”
“Oh, me too!”
“Y-you... you idiots...!”
They caused chaos in the dining hall.
“Wait, are we not supposed to trim these weeds...?”
This translation is the intellectual property of Novelight.
“...Those are flowers in a garden, not weeds. Not to mention, they don’t even look like weeds.”
“Gasp! I just pulled out all the flowers in that flower bed over there!”
“Oh no! I just pulled out all the flowers in front of the company headquarters!”
“Ugh... m-my blood pressure...”
They caused chaos while working.
“Why is there toothpaste here?”
“What’s wrong, Patty?”
“Didn’t we use toothpaste earlier when we did the laundry?”
“Oh, yeah, we did. But then... what’s this?”
“...Ah. I think we actually used paint instead of toothpaste! Haha, no wonder it didn’t foam up!”
“Hehe, I guess so!”
They caused chaos while doing chores.
“Hey! Don’t hold your sword like that! If you drag it along the ground like that, you’re going to hurt the person behind you!”
“Be careful when handling your sword! Damn it, now I understand why Lady Louise specifically warned us about this!”
And during training, they made Altair and Yuri absolutely lose their minds.
This, of course, meant that the old senior soldiers had scored another victory in wisdom.
‘Louise had a very good reason for telling people not to stab their sparring partners. That was... very important advice...’
So yes.
They caused trouble during company work,
They caused trouble during squad work,
They caused trouble in their daily lives,
And they caused trouble during training.
So naturally, you’d think they’d cause trouble in actual battle, too.
But surprisingly—they didn’t.
Of course, that was fortunate because if they had, they would’ve actually died.
But the fact that they only managed to avoid trouble during battle was frustrating.
Patty and Matty weren’t particularly skilled swordsmen.
Together, they barely amounted to one decent fighter.
However, because they worked perfectly in sync and moved like one entity, they somehow always managed to survive.
They always looked like they were about to get hurt, but somehow, they never did. And they still managed to kill monsters.
‘In the novel, they were just comic relief...’
In the original, Patty and Matty served two major roles:
One was as comic relief, obviously.
And the other was as narrators.
In other words, in the novel, their conversations usually went like this:
“By the way, what kind of ★ 𝐍𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 ★ person is Lord Aquila?”
“Lord Aquila? He’s totally amazing!”
“Yeah, super strong!”
“...Lord Aquila wields fire aura and has flawless swordsmanship. He’s also very meticulous.”
“Oh! Dalin, there you are!”
“Did you hear the news?!”
“Lord Winter and Lord Aquila—”
“They’re fighting!”
“...Lord Winter and Lord Aquila are currently dueling in the training grounds. But judging by the atmosphere, something seems off.”
Patty and Matty ran around collecting every piece of gossip they could find, delivering it to Dalin in the most chaotic way possible—while Just Jason calmly sorted through the mess.
‘Now that I think about it, how did they always manage to take turns speaking so seamlessly?’
What an incredibly comic relief setup.
Would I get to see it happen in real life in about a year? It was almost something to look forward to.
‘...Wait, that’s not the point right now.’
There was a reason I wasn’t just sighing at them and moving on.
Because no matter how much of a disaster they were,
Patty and Matty would be incredibly useful in the future.
First of all, as narrators in the original novel, they had an iron grip on all the gossip in the unit.
And most importantly—
They were filthy rich.
