My Alleged Husband-Chapter 1502 - 1296: Who Doesn’t Have a Past

Some things can’t be forgotten just because you say so.

Painful memories, to you, may just be memories, but deep in my heart, they are the pain imprinted on me; no one can easily forget all this.

"I know, how could I not know? It’s precisely because you’ve sacrificed so much for me that I feel guilty. Do you know how much harm I’ve brought you over these years? You clearly know that many times I’m just using your feelings for me, yet even when you know, you’re still willing to stay devotedly with me. What should I say to you?

Many times, you know well that the harsh and heartless words I’ve spoken to you are just me venting, not wanting to bottle up my anger. I take out the frustration I face elsewhere on you, don’t you ever resent that?

You are my husband, yet throughout these years I’ve never fulfilled even the slightest duty as a wife. I’m always contradicting you, always doing things to hurt you. You stayed by my side hoping we could live happily and forget all the pain, and what you remembered were only the most beautiful memories between us!"

"Xia Jing, we are husband and wife, you are the woman I love most passionately. No matter when or where, neither of us should say thank you to the other because that ’thank you’ might indeed ruin the feelings between us. Once that thank you is said, the nature of our feelings changes, and the relationship between us becomes distant!

Let’s live happily together, and neither of us should dwell on past unhappiness, forget all the pain and troubles. As long as we live joyously and happily in the future, why care about all the past rights and wrongs? Even if we entangle ourselves with everything from the past, what does it matter? Haven’t we ultimately taken a path different from others?

Because I have long understood that all the paths in life are walked by oneself, no one can arrange those paths properly. For the mistakes we made in the past, we have to bear all the responsibilities and pains ourselves. We forgot how we made it through those days. We’ve depended on each other step by step until today, how could we easily give up?"

"I know, I don’t know if you truly love me, but over these years you clearly miss your child, miss your father, miss the entire family, yet you never say it in front of me, because you’re afraid of making it hard for me, you don’t want me to struggle, you only want me to live happily. But as your wife, how could I not know your inner thoughts at all?

You conceal all your longing for your hometown in front of me just in hopes that I can live happily outside without worry. But you don’t know that ever since I found out about your longing for this home, my heart has been shaken. I don’t want you to be sad, don’t want you to struggle. I want to take you back home, let everyone at home forgive you, even if I’m ultimately driven out. As long as you can return home, as long as you’re not living in pain as before, that to me, as your wife, is the greatest comfort in the world.

Don’t think I’m stupid, and don’t think I’m doing something for you. Everything I’m doing is just to gain some goodwill from you. I’m just hoping you’ll always remember me, but I’m using other means to hurt you just so you’ll leave me to return home. As long as I leave, you can return home!

I watched our child grow up step by step. I know how sad and painful their life has been, but I have no way to compensate for the harm I’ve caused her, because I am useless as a mother. I don’t know how to make my son lead a happy life. Watching him get bullied by others, I wish I could run up and hit those kids. I just want my child to be happy and carefree.

Every time I stand outside his school watching him go in and out of class, do you know how happy I am? I want to rush over and hug him, but I don’t have the courage. I’m afraid he’ll not recognize me, choose to push me away.

No one knows about these hurts, but to me, they are deeply rooted. I know my child also wishes I could be there with her, but as a mother, all I’ve brought him is pain!

It’s just the two of us here today, and I’ve chosen to pour all my heart out to you. I don’t want our son to hear these words because if he does, he might think I’m being too pretentious as a mother — clearly refusing to see him yet still saying I miss him. But I truly want to live with him from the bottom of my heart."

Zhang Zhentian sighed. How could he not know? How could he not understand how much his wife truly wanted to see their child? His wife stood outside the school repeatedly, while he stood behind, never letting her notice him. All she wanted was to silently catch a glimpse of her child, undisturbed. He had seen her wipe tears outside the school gate time and time again. Who could understand the pain this husband felt in the depths of his soul?

"Actually, all these years, while you watched her outside the school, every time I stood behind you, I never let you notice. I saw you crying when you saw him. I know you still hurt inside, but you have no way to express it. You have to suppress your longing for him with a hardened heart, hoping your son won’t acknowledge you as his mother.

I believe deep down, you still love him. No matter what you’ve done over these years, your yearning for him has never diminished. Even if they truly refuse us, we can leave again, but this time I won’t abandon them. I’ll visit them often. We’ll just live in different places. I’ve made up my mind to go to father, seeking forgiveness. As long as we can live happily together in this home, even if I’m just a slave, just a humble servant, I can accept it. As long as they don’t shut me out anymore and let me stay here to witness their happiness, that’s enough!"

Always thought that living happily is enough, but who ever thought that what one once wanted most was simply so different from what the heart desires now.