MTL - I Like This Dream!-v2 Chapter 145
(143)
Duke Anna is not in her domain.
On that night more than half a month ago, Chris appeared in an operating room that had been prepared with An Xu, who was still breathing. The healers and doctors who took turns on duty here immediately acted to treat the dying wounded. This operating room is not located anywhere in Duke Anna's territory. It is hidden very secretly in a remote town in the Stuart family's territory. They made sufficient preparations before departure, and it was the best result to be able to pass the customs directly, but only a fool would not buy a return ticket.
The operating room, prepared for the worst, is now in use.
Healers stopped the bleeding, doctors sewed up, and the hole in Duke Anna's heart looked scary, but it wasn't beyond hopeless. When Alva, the chief surgeon, was surprised to find that the wound was cut smoothly without destroying too much heart tissue, the damage was minimized, and the technique was as precise as an operation.
He didn't ask where Lydia, who was going with him, was now.
This clean incision saved a lot of work, and Duke Anna was out of danger soon after the operation. However, she did not wake up, An Xu's body healed very slowly, almost like an ordinary person without supernatural powers.
"Is she okay?" Chris asked worriedly.
"The body is very healthy, but that's not the problem." Alva frowned and said, "The energy in the body is a mess. If she is not very weak now, this situation will definitely be overloaded."
An Xu's body did not heal itself, the energy in her body was chaotic, and the tiny storm continued for a long time. But Alva's worry is actually unnecessary, Anxu will no longer be overloaded, just like there will be no huge waves on a dry sea.
More than 90% of the energy was taken away by Noah.
"Can I use the previous method again?" Chris asked, "I have the same energy in my body. If I return the energy, will Ann start to recover?"
"No, doing this will kill her." Alva flatly refused, "Anna can live until now, thanks to the weak energy flow raging in her body. If you rush to input power before the turbulent flow calms down, it is tantamount to Adding fuel to the fire will only backfire."
"Can I just let my spirit come into contact with her?"
"You can't get in touch yourself?" Alva also had a certain understanding of their situation.
"My spiritual connection with her didn't work out for some reason." Chris shook his head solemnly.
"If you can't do it, others can't do it." Alva replied, "I haven't made much progress in the research of the spiritual field. At most, it will make you connect like last time. But this kind of connection is like putting two people together. The partition in the middle of the two water tanks is removed, the high water level will automatically leave the low place under pressure, and the two sides are even with each other... The spiritual connection last time was just an accident, there is no way for you to make spiritual contact without exchanging energy .”
Chris pursed his mouth into a line and looked at An Xu worriedly. His face was ugly, An Xu was in a coma for half a month, and he couldn't sleep at night for half a month. The night of the full moon always appeared in the knight's heart, and the abnormal Anxu under the full moon.
"Don't worry." In a rare moment, Alva comforted her, "She will get better, isn't it the same as last time?"
"It's different." Chris hesitated for a moment, then said, "Lydia died."
"..."
This was the first time they talked about this topic, Alva lowered his eyes, and turned his head to look at the doctors passing by in the corridor, as if he saw his proud disciple busy in a white coat.
After a moment, Alva himself broke the silence. He said, "You want to say that she doesn't want to wake up?"
"Ann saw Lydia fall with her own eyes," Chris said. "She still had her eyes open at that time."
"I don't think that's a reason." Alva shook his head, "Anna is not a naive child. She has seen enough deaths and made a lot of them herself. When Lydia went with you, she You should be ready for anyone to die. She's not the sentimental type."
The knight didn't answer.
Alva's words were partly correct, Anxu had seen quite a lot of deaths, from enemies, strangers, relatives and friends. An Xu is decisive in killing, and often puts life and death aside, but this is because she treats everything as a dream—it used to be so. In the entire Yamenan, only Chris knows that Anshu is neither a saint who devotes himself wholeheartedly to others, nor an indifferent person who doesn't care about everything. When Anxu promised to live a down-to-earth life in the future, her behavior began to change.
At the very least, she began to truly care about the life and death of others. Anxu slowly came down from the sky to the ground. Chris liked the way she became real day by day, but at the same time couldn't help but start worrying, wanting to protect her newly born weakness.
Chris has a bad feeling.
An Xu looked completely wrong that night, even Chris, who was most familiar with her, had never seen her so embarrassed. Yes, Chris has seen Anxi wearing God's Retaliation Chains looking for food everywhere, scarred and hungry; he has seen Anxi burned to pieces, looking like he will die at any time; he has even seen An Xu twitched and lost his human form, his blood and flesh were so horrible that he was possessed by an evil spirit. It's not the first time he saw Anxu fall from the sky, it wasn't the first time he saw her close her eyes and lose consciousness in front of him, but only this time, only this time... Chris felt that Anxu was in a state of embarrassment, which made people uncomfortable I have the heart to look away.
"What are you worried about?" Alva interrupted his thoughts unceremoniously, "Afraid that Noah will kill him? The spies of 'Mynah' said that he is still staying in the monastery in Urburg. We have already I did everything I could to prepare. Afraid that Anna won’t wake up? Is it useful to worry? What can you do? Instead of worrying about this and that, it’s better to prepare for the worst, such as how we can win this battle without Anna. field."
"Don't put everything on yourself. It's useless. No one can prepare everything." He paused and said, "Whether she can't wake up or doesn't want to wake up, she is the only one who can save her."
There will be no one else.
Anxu was sleeping deep in her soul.
The sea of spirit lost its source, and the energy locked in the body became chaotic, creating chaotic zones one after another. Anxu's soul is curled up in the gaps of these chaotic storms, like a dormant seed in the dry season, carefully hidden in the ground, neither protruding leaves nor taking root.
However, she did not "fall asleep".
An Xu's body is completely asleep, and her mental body is also in a closed state, rejecting all information from the outside world. Under this frozen shell, her spirit could not sleep.
This is not any previous time when he passed out from excessive consumption. In that case, An Xu's spirit would also enter a dormant state, saving all his strength to restore his body and mind. This time, Anxu's mental body was not severely injured, his spiritual core was deprived, and the self-repair system with the spiritual core as the core could not operate. Instead, it was equivalent to removing a self-testing section that consumed a lot of energy, and did not into a standstill. She just… cut off. Those outside can't get in, and those inside can't get out, like a vegetable trapped in its own body.
An Xu's thoughts were running at a speed that she hated.
An Xu thinks about a lot of things, thinking uncontrollably. On the one hand, her mental power is out of control internally, and even her thinking is a little uncontrollable; on the other hand, when you are locked in a small dark room and cannot move Sometimes, there is nothing else to do but think about you. The ability of photographic memory has not been deprived because of the disappearance of the spiritual core, and the information stored in Anxu's thinking library swept through her heart, not missing a single bit.
From the time she woke up at Sullivan Manor to the time she closed her eyes on that full moon, there were more than ten years in between, every day, every hour, every minute.
Everyone she killed, everyone who died indirectly because of her, every face that appeared and disappeared.
An Xu knew these numbers, they were just flimsy numbers in the past. An Xu wanted to live the rest of her life as a reality, but she chose to ignore all the past—if she sticks to black history every day, would she still live? Human beings' instinct of seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages makes An Xu wisely forget everything he has done in the past, just like starting a new file and starting over. This kind of choice is called "not sticking to the past and looking forward to the future" at a good level, or "escaping" at a worse level.
Those numbers hovered lightly in the sky, and the moment they realized the reality of the world, they all fell down, each number was a heavy life, making An Xu breathless. She couldn't help recalling every detail, every bloody, absurd, realistic, funny...real, real death. From those who were killed by her to those who died because of her, such as those who studied medicine under her call, went out to save patients, doctors, soldiers, and bards who were killed because the king wanted to fight her, such as her Innocent civilians who failed to protect, such as Lydia who rushed to Noah like moths to a flame.
Lydia, the green-eyed little girl, with the bound **** always standing behind her, has grown up before she knows it. An Xu was taken aback by Lydia's huge change once, she was surprised to find that the other party had grown a lot taller, she would be so surprised to find out that of course they had been separated for a while, and An Xu didn't care about Lydia at all. No reason to care too much. Ansu changes Lydia's life, but it's only a small effort. Saying that you are my friend, that you are different from others, and so on, isn’t it the same as when you are attacking a certain character, once you shift your attention, you can leave the other party aside for many years?
Even so, Lydia died for her.
"Ascetic monk", "three-no girl", "bound milk", when thinking of Lydia, such labels will pop up in the mind. For Lydia, Anxu is already a very close person, but Anxu still doesn't know much about Lydia. There are still many stories to tell her, many things to show her, and I want to know what is on her mind, whether she has unfinished dreams, whether there is anything she likes in particular, but it is over, suddenly And stop.
There is no archive here, no chance to start over, and there is no so-called death flag before everyone dies. An Xu felt that their three-person team would find the big devil, defeat each other after fighting hard, and continue to live a happy and happy life. Everyone still has a lot of time to complete unfinished things. She thought that she had corrected her attitude, and felt that they would go through a lot of twists and turns, and would not kill all directions with the halo of the protagonist. However, when it came time to hit her on the face with a slap, An Xu realized that he was not prepared at all.
Subconsciously, she doesn't feel that a companion will die, and she doesn't feel that she will lose. She said "I take it seriously" on her lips, but she still hasn't changed her mind. In the real world, where is the predetermined victory? There are so many unsatisfactory things in life. Unhappy things are often eight or nine. An Xu has been here for more than ten years, and this is a miracle with a small probability.
But for those who have been lucky all the time, the next time they flip a coin, the odds of heads and tails are still 50/50.
An Xu was in an endless loop of torture replayed again and again, almost feeling like he was going to be driven crazy. She made the shell of her spirit thicker and thicker, and her soul hid deeper and deeper in the protective interior, like a poor worm who curled up to avoid the cold and was about to disappear. But what can she hide from? The person who tortured An Xu so cruelly was herself. Wherever she hid, the nightmare would eventually follow her everywhere.
An Xu wanted to find something to support her from her happy memories, but the process was not smooth. Just because a person enjoys massacres in a game doesn't mean he or she will enjoy a real massacre. Many "pleasant memories" are covered with a layer of chilling gloom after the world becomes real. No, it is better to say that a layer of false sugar coating is removed, and the terrible reality underneath is exposed.
That feeling is like going to an amusement park, the dolls are brightly colored, the merry-go-round is playing cheerful songs, colorful lights are lit up everywhere at night, there are laughter everywhere, and the roller coaster is very lively... Then Suddenly, you find that the museum is already closed. All the lights went out, everyone left, and the brightly colored rides were only blurred in the dim sky. A larger-than-human doll sits in a corner and looks at you, and you don't know if there is anyone else in between. The merry-go-round was silent, and the unicorns and pumpkin carriages were all draped in black. The Ferris wheel casts a dark shadow, the roller coaster in the distance has a dark passage, the silence chokes your throat, everything has changed, only the haunted house looks similar at first glance.
And you are locked here.
An Xu tried her best to crawl out of the pile of memories that suffocated her. She built a protective wall for her spirit, convincing herself that many places are not her responsibility (what about those who died at your hands), many people deserved what they deserved (what about those who trusted you), and it is impossible for a saint to protect all believers ( But if you could be more serious)... Anshu took a long time to tear away the thick layer of guilt, poking his head out of this overly detailed memory to catch his breath. Then she noticed that something else had been ripped off as well.
other people's feelings for her.
It was a strange thing, the world had become real, but other people's feelings for her had become false. It's not surprising if you think about it carefully, after all, if you separate the person who "dreams" as you like from An Xu himself, all the love and hatred that "that person" gets will naturally be separated from An Xu.
If she is not responsible for what Ann did, then those who love her, admire her, love her as a junior, treat her as a friend, and love her as a lover...they will pay The one with all the emotions is naturally not An Xu.
At first, it was just like a child shirking responsibility, thinking "that dreaming Ann is not me". But once this idea is formed, "they love Ann is not me" is more convincing than "I am not the one who caused the disaster". An Xu failed to completely get rid of the guilt, but lost his self-confidence very easily.
She was uneasy, she was afraid. Then she thought, the handsome Ann they like won't be indecisive like me, it's so ugly to think so sticky. So the inferiority complex becomes more intense, such a vicious circle.
In this way, Noah's heresy is really reasonable. Most people live in the "mirror". Only a very small number of determined people can not be affected, such as Alva, Chris, Esther, they all know what they want, and they are all determined people who walk firmly on their own path. As for most people, their identity is determined by the position of the people around them, and their image is determined by the appearance in the eyes of the people around them. People are social animals, and their cognition feeds back on each other.
An Xu is such a "most people".
If it is said that the heavy memories belonging to the past and the views of the people around the present can still be part of the past, the things belonging to the future are so heavy that it makes people tremble just thinking about them.
Everything she has experienced is not over, the story is not over yet, the great devil Noah is still alive and kicking, and the time outside is still flowing. An Xu hopes that time will stop, or even the world disappear, but he also knows that such a thing is completely impossible. She is very aware of the current situation, she is trapped in her spiritual world, and the time outside is passing by every minute.
Duke Anna's territory needs her. Although she is a hands-off shopkeeper, she is also an out-and-out decision maker. She is the spiritual pillar of the people in the territory, and people trust her. A lot of people are waiting for her, including Chris, who desperately took her to escape, and the people who responded are waiting for her to wake up. I don't know what bad things Noah has done again, and I also know that I will not keep my law and order. What would happen to Yamenan if such a sociopathic cultist really became a god?
One after another extremely important matters were on An Xu's shoulders, and this sense of responsibility did not cheer her up like the protagonist in the story.
She was crushed.
save the world? Defeat the devil? Bearing the expectations of so many people?
How could an ordinary person like her do it!
An Xu looked back at her achievements, one by one was more brilliant, undoubtedly changed the world and promoted the process of history, but the more this happened, the more unreal she felt. It's like a drunkard who has been drunk and finds himself sitting in a car on the edge of a cliff when he wakes up. The road up is extremely rugged and narrow, and if he is not careful, he will fall into the cliff. The drunkard looked back at the terrible road and was about to go crazy with fright. An Xu couldn't imagine that she had accomplished such a feat. She didn't think that she could do it again when she was sober, let alone challenge the more difficult task of saving the world.
The real An Xu is a good person, she is not as free and easy as in her dream. So this unfulfillable responsibility weighed heavily on her like a mountain. When she struggled to look up, she found that it was a mountain of corpses, and the people who would die because she couldn't fulfill her expectations in the future were quietly stacked behind her.
"Future" is heavier than "past" and "present" combined.
It is probably this sense of responsibility that pulls An Xu and prevents her from completely falling into the abyss of escapism. An Xu didn't become a complete vegetable, she just went back and forth in her own spiritual world, unable to get rid of it.
On the twentieth day, Anxu dreamed of herself.
It's unbelievable. It's not that I dream at such a time, but the object of the dream. Anxu thought he would dream of Chris, and her knight would come to him and bring her out of the dream like last time. She also secretly thought about more false dreams, such as Chris appearing in front of her, telling her that the crisis has been resolved and there is nothing to worry about. If this is the case, even if he knows it is a dream, An Xu can lie to himself and others to unload the heavy burden, get rid of the torment, and have a good rest.
But she dreamed of herself.
An Xu looked at her own life from the perspective of an outsider, thinking to herself, "Is this a walking lantern before death?". She looked and looked, and found that she was very powerful.
This dream is jumping, what decision she made in the first second, she will see the result of the decision in the next second. An Xu saw that he set up a medical school, popularized written knowledge, and then people with firm eyes and hope came out of the school to become doctors, scientists (oh, alchemists), teachers, and embark on various careers. post. She saw that she forcibly pulled out the electric heating wire with her lightning golden fingers, and then the lights came on at night, and this backward world stumbled into the age of electrification. She saw the omega-related decrees she promulgated, and the disadvantaged **** imprisoned in the backyard came to work in a blink of an eye, and began to fight for equal rights. She saw that nobles who were vegetarians were driven out of her territory and replaced by doers regardless of their status. She saw a strong army build up under her, and the beast hordes were kept at bay. She saw the clowns of the old Holy See slowly decline together with the ignorant and superstitious people, and the new people-oriented church after the Reformation came into being under the seeds she sowed.
It's all done by An Xu.
She doesn't have Alva's IQ, but she brings advanced knowledge from another world. She doesn't have Eve's political acumen, but she has lessons from another world's history. She does not have the firm and brave heart of Chris, Esther, Nancy, etc., but when she has great power, when she feels that the world is just a sandbox game, she finally chooses to make the world a better.
Why do you have to worry about whether you are worthy of respect and love? These things are indeed done by her, and she has already done it!
An Xu's heart was pounding, and she regarded the world as false, which made her feel the belated pain after discovering the reality of the world. At the same time, the sense of accomplishment and touch was also late. At this time, it swept over.
Suddenly, a classroom appeared in front of him.
It's not Yamenan's classroom, but a classroom in a country Z middle school. Quite a few people had exercise books and textbooks piled up on their desks. It was probably lunch break. People in school uniforms with sacks were chatting in small groups, and a girl with short hair was sitting by the window writing quickly.
An Xu walked in and looked around at the familiar yet somewhat unfamiliar blackboard, tables and chairs, and the newspaper clippings behind, surprised that he could remember so clearly. She looked around, and was attracted by the back of the head buried in the desk. An Xu walked towards this person, and found that he couldn't see her face clearly, so he had to look at what she was writing.
She was keeping her diary, writing about a recent history class about the Middle Ages before and after the Renaissance. The crooked words in the diary impassionedly accused the anti-humanity of witch hunting. She wrote: If I lived in that place, I would just commit suicide. I better be a real powerful witch, then I'll throw those feudal superstitious **** into the fire they made themselves, and then spread science and technology, improve the status of common people and women, and bring this terrible place to the civilized world quickly.
An Xu knew who she was.
An Xu laughed in the classroom she thought she had forgotten a long time ago, and started to cry with a smile. Fortunately, there was only her here, and it didn't matter if she cried or laughed. She twitched and wiped her face, feeling a sense of peace in her heart, as if the sky had just been washed by rain, clear and dust-free.
At this moment, the savior in her dreams and the ordinary person she thought of had found something in common. An Xu was not the savior, she was the one who ignited the prairie fire and the one who toppled the first domino. There is no need to be arrogant, and there is no need to belittle yourself, she is whoever she is.
It's time to take responsibility.
