L*ck Me If You Can-Chapter 43

What was that all about earlier?

Koi curled up tightly on his narrow bed, deep in thought. At the time, he'd blamed his mood swings on puberty, but now that he was home and thinking clearly, something felt off.

If it really was puberty, wouldn’t it happen all the time?

Koi was seriously troubled. He had learned in class about emotional fluctuations during adolescence and had experienced some of them himself. But he'd never had the environment to express those feelings. He’d always held them in, ignored them, and they’d just passed him by. Maybe, he thought, they were only surfacing now. But if that were true, one question still remained.

Why does it only happen when I’m with Ash?

No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t come up with an answer. And the emotions that came with puberty were supposed to swing wildly between anger, joy, and confusion. But the only emotion he ever felt was joy. And that joy appeared only when he was around Ash.

It’s weird. What’s wrong with me?

Koi turned over with a serious expression. Even now, just thinking about Ashley made his ears twitch—he could feel it himself. He hastily clutched at his twitching ears. This is the problem. This. He knew Ashley often stared at his ears. And every time he did, without fail, they were moving. By the time Koi realized it, Ashley was already smiling.

Ashley never teases me about it or anything, but still...

Feeling his face heat up, Koi clamped his hands over both ears.

It’s so embarrassing.

Even after boldly blurting out how much he liked Ashley, now he was blushing at the thought. But it wasn’t just the twitching that embarrassed him. It was the fact that his ears were always reacting to Ashley—only Ashley—that made him feel exposed.

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Why is this happening all of a sudden?

He couldn’t understand it, no matter how hard he tried. He’d never heard of puberty that reacted to just one person. Sure, people sometimes lashed out at their parents or took out their anger on family, but that didn’t fit him either.

Is it just because we’re friends?

Still clutching his ears, Koi sank deeper into thought. Isn’t this how everyone feels when they’re with their friends? Happy? Excited? Ashley laughs all the time when he’s with the hockey team too, doesn’t he?

Right. It’s normal. We’re friends.

But as soon as he reached that conclusion, another question popped into his head.

But... do friends get this flustered around each other? Hearts racing? Faces flushing?

Koi tried to recall if Ashley or any of the other guys ever blushed or got shy around each other. Nothing came to mind.

Is it just me?

And just like that, the question looped back to where it started. Why? What’s wrong with me? Why does my heart race and why do I get so giddy every time I see Ash?

Ever since they started getting close, Koi had always gotten restless just seeing Ashley. It was so obvious that even Ashley had laughed a few times and asked if Koi liked him that much. Even if his ears hadn’t moved, it would’ve been clear. Koi’s entire body gave him away.

And each time, Koi would answer without hesitation: “Yeah.” There was nothing to be ashamed of. He hadn’t felt embarrassed at all. He’d said it so confidently—I like you. So then, why now, did just remembering those words make his heart thump and his breathing grow unsteady?

If Ashley asked again now, Do you still like me?—Koi didn’t think he could answer like he used to. Just imagining it made his heart pound and his whole body itch.

Aaah! He screamed internally and curled up even tighter. And then, out of nowhere, Ashley’s face vividly surfaced in his mind.

Koi.

I like you.

Flushed red, his skin tingled. In his head, he was already back in that moment.

They were sitting across from each other at the snack bar. Ashley’s clear silver-blue eyes were locked on his. Koi held his breath, waiting for him to speak. Ashley gently caressed his cheek and, with a soft smile curling across his lips, whispered—

Let’s go out.

“I never said that!!”

Koi screamed, pounding his fists into the mattress. The cheap frame beneath the thin padding groaned loudly, and he quickly stopped and frantically rubbed the spot he’d just hit.

This is so weird. Way too weird.

Even if it was his first time making a friend, he could tell—this feeling was just too strange. Are friends even supposed to feel like this toward each other? And go out? That’s something you say to a girlfriend, not a guy friend!

“We’re both guys.”

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He said it out loud. His wildly beating heart began to slow. His own voice dragged him back to reality. Right... And besides... he muttered under his breath,

“Ashley already likes someone.”

He relaxed his shoulders and laid his head back down. The noise in his chest was gone, and his mood had sunk with it. Koi kept thinking.

Once he confesses to that girl, he probably won’t have time to hang out with me anymore.

That thought made him feel unbearably lonely. Suddenly, he remembered the way Ashley looked when he was with Ariel.

Why did I run away so frantically back then?

He was back at square one, but this time his chest felt even heavier. Rolling over to the other side, Koi once again drifted into thought. He was going through a whirlwind of emotions—joy, sadness, confusion—but no answers came. The only thing he knew for sure was that Ashley was the cause of all of it.

If this isn’t how friends feel... then what is it?

He had no idea what his feelings meant. But he also had no one to talk to. Ashley was his first and only friend. He couldn’t exactly go asking him for advice.

What if he thinks it’s gross and hates me?

If these feelings weren’t normal, Ashley might end up disgusted by him. Koi absolutely couldn’t let that happen. But to prevent it, he had to understand what this was.

Someone like Koi—no other friends, no trustworthy adults around to ask—did have one option in situations like this. He shot upright and pulled out his phone.

There was a site students often used for homework help, full of random questions posted by people looking for advice. Some were about things like divorce or dating or family problems. Right now, that kind of space was exactly what Koi needed.

He opened the site right away, but paused before writing anything. How should he start?

Hi. I’m Connor Niles, a student at Buffalo High School.

That’s what he typed at first—then panicked and deleted it in a flash.

What the hell am I doing?! Might as well go stand in the schoolyard and put up a billboard that says “Connor Niles goes nuts every time he sees Ashley Miller—what should I do?”

Good thing I’m broke.

Koi exhaled shakily, hand over his still-thumping heart. If he had the money, he might’ve actually done something that crazy. For the first time ever, he was grateful to be poor.

“Phew.”

After a deep breath, he started writing his question more carefully. Somehow, this felt harder than all the essays and assignments he’d struggled through up until now. Just leaving a question on a message board—why was it so hard? Koi revised it over and over, reading it aloud and tweaking it again, until finally, it was done.

I'm a high school guy. Recently, I made a friend, and he's amazing. He's always kind and treats me really well. He’s captain of the ice hockey team, insanely good-looking, and the most popular guy at school—but he never brags about it. He’s also smart and takes all AP classes. He even got a perfect score on his college entrance exams.

I really like him. But lately, whenever I see him, my heart races and my face gets hot. /N_o_v_e_l_i_g_h_t/ I don’t think it’s puberty, but I don’t know what’s happening. Is it normal to react this way to a friend? I’ve never had a friend before, so I don’t really know. If anyone can help, please let me know.

Let’s take out the part about him being the hockey captain.

Koi read it out loud and reached to make a quick edit, but—

[Posted.]

“Wha—wait, huh?”

His eyes went wide. Crap! As soon as reality sank in, he let out a strangled shriek.

“Edit—no, delete!”

Panicked, he frantically looked around for the button. He tapped “Delete” and typed in his password.

[Incorrect password.]

“What?!”

He tried again, this time more slowly, alternating between numbers and letters. His fingers trembled, and his breathing turned shallow.

[Incorrect password.]

“AAAH!”

In the end, Koi clutched his head and screamed. What do I do, what do I do?! On the verge of tears, he kept punching in every password he could think of—and watched in horror as the view count climbed higher and higher.