I'm a Villainess, Can I Die?-Chapter 33

I had lived that way. And I had died that way. So nothing had really changed after coming into Selina’s body.

The exhaustion was real. The indifference was real.

Living or dying—just passing time until the end—that, too, was real.

But.

But I was a little afraid.

Without orders, without a set path—what was I supposed to do with these four years?

I could just shamelessly live as Selina, enjoying everything that came with it. But I wasn’t even the kind of person who could make that decision for myself.

So what was I supposed to do for the next four years?

Maybe that was why I latched onto Selina’s wish.

If her wish became my purpose—if it gave me a reason to exist—then all I had to do was follow it.

Then my life would have meaning again. Just like before.

And once I realized that, I had nothing more to say.

Any further argument felt meaningless.

Selina was dead.

And I had jumped from that clock tower.

My skull had probably cracked open twice over.

What was the point of two dead people arguing about life?

So, in the end, we stopped talking and sat side by side.

Selina’s head rested against my shoulder.

She hesitated for a moment, then slowly closed her eyes and spoke in a quiet voice.

“...Just live as me. Even if it’s a lie... just live. And if, at some point, you happen to feel happy, then just accept it. Let yourself be happy. You keep saying it doesn’t matter whether you live or die. You spent your whole past life living like that—never resisting, letting someone else decide your life for you. So why are you resisting now?”

"When did I ever—"

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"Your whole life belonged to your brother. You had nothing for yourself. You looked like you were living, but inside, you were empty. And even though everything was forced on you, you just... went along with it."

I closed my eyes.

She wasn’t wrong.

That life had been nothing but a lie.

Nothing had belonged to me.

Everything had been for my brother.

If you erased him from my life, nothing would be left.

I was my brother.

But even if I died, my brother would never become me.

"So just accept it."

"You throw yourself away so easily, but you can’t bring yourself to want anything for yourself?"

"I don’t know how to want things."

"...Then learn."

Selina huffed.

"You have permission. The owner of this body is telling you to do it. So just say ‘okay’ and accept it. And if you ever get caught, just do that thing again. You know, ‘Where am I? Who am I?’"

She chuckled.

Her voice was light, as if she hadn’t just been screaming at me minutes ago.

We were both tired.

Our voices grew softer.

Our words turned into a quiet lull, dragging us toward sleep.

"Take it. It’s yours now. Just live for yourself, even if you don’t know how yet. Maybe, as you live, you’ll figure it out. Maybe you’ll even want to keep living."

"You think you chose death. But I don’t."

"You didn’t choose it. You were pushed into it."

"They told you that you had no use anymore. That your life had no purpose. So you thought—‘I guess I should die now.’"

Her voice faded.

The last few words blurred into nothingness.

As if she had fallen asleep.

As if she had disappeared.

And for some reason, an overwhelming sadness crept into my chest.

Before I could understand why—

I lost consciousness.

Selina, watching over the now-motionless girl, gently stroked her black hair.

"So from now on, choose for yourself. Not because someone else tells you to. Not because you’re replacing someone else."

"Live as you want. Live as yourself."

She whispered words that would never reach me.

Then, like the last flicker of a dream—

She dissolved into butterflies.

Scattering into the void.

Leaving only silence.

Leaving me alone in the darkness, sleeping as if dead.

When I opened my eyes again—

Selina was gone.

I let out a small sigh.

I had wanted to grab her by the collar.

Instead, I had gotten slapped.

Somehow, I had let myself get talked into something without realizing it.

And now, being left alone in this dark, empty space—

It somehow felt even more hollow than before.

I closed my eyes.

Opened them again.

A faint white mist swirled around me.

Something that hadn’t been there before.

Now what?

Is it Selina again?

If it was, I was definitely hitting her this time.

I braced myself—

But then, the mist shifted.

Took form.

And my breath caught.

My hands tingled.

Was it longing?

Was it resentment?

A storm of emotions crashed through me.

And the person who caused it—

Stood before me.

Smiling, as if nothing had happened.

"Unni."

A bright voice called out to me.

A voice I thought I would never hear again.

A face peeked through the mist.

And I could only blink.

Because what else could I do?

My mind went blank.

Had there ever been a moment in my life where my mind was this empty?

When your heart stopped beating.

When everything inside me died with you.

When you spoke your last word—"Unni."

And then never spoke again.

Even when I jumped—

Even as I fell—

I had been thinking.

But now—

I wasn’t.

Because I had never imagined this.

I had never imagined that dying would bring me back to you.

I had never imagined that I would see you again—

With warm, peach-colored cheeks.

Something I had never once seen in life.

"...Eunji?"

"Are you real?"

I should have been shaking.

But my voice was steady.

I heard it, and somehow, that calmed me.

Eunji grinned.

"Maybe I’m real. Maybe I’m not."

Her tone was teasing.

Like she was playing a game.

Like she knew exactly how much this would break me.

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"But more importantly—

Why are you here, Unni?"

I exhaled.

"I jumped."

"Why? Because you missed me?"

Eunji let out a bright laugh and plopped down in front of me.

Her hands—hands that had always been pale and rough—reached toward mine.

I watched silently, entranced by the movement.

And then—

The moment our hands touched, hers scattered into mist.

Like they had never been there at all.

"I might be a hallucination, or a real spirit, or something in between."

A hallucination. A spirit. Something in between.

What kind of nonsense was that?

Eunji only smiled at me, as if she either knew or didn’t care what I was thinking.

"I came here to tell you something."

"...What?"

"Why you're here."

Her voice was a whisper, like she was revealing a secret meant only for me.

Her ever-present smile faded, her expression shifting into something serious.

I didn’t know she could look like this.

She had died before she could ever grow up.

Before she could ever become an adult.

"But first... I want to ask you something."

She raised a hand and tapped my forehead.

Mist began to rise around me, thickening into an opaque fog.

For a second, I was afraid—

Afraid that she, too, would disappear like Selina had.

I grabbed for her wrist.

But my fingers closed around nothing.

She dissolved like air.

I slowly closed my eyes.

How many times has this happened today?

Just before the fog swallowed me whole, I caught a final glimpse of Eunji’s crescent-shaped smile.

And then—

I opened my eyes in a place that was not unfamiliar.

A memory.

I became a shadow, watching my past unfold.

From the moment I first became aware of my existence—

From five years old.

To seven, when I was adopted.

To nine, when Eunji was born.

To ten, when I was pushed into a tiny backroom and discarded.

To eleven, twelve, thirteen—when the child who had once wanted love began to forget what love even meant.

I watched that child grow.

Grow and grow, until she became an adult who stood on the edge of a rooftop, staring down at nothing.

The memories passed by quickly, like scenes flashing across a screen.

I found myself sitting in a theater chair, watching as the end credits of my life rolled before me.

Beside me, Eunji sat as well.

"You can’t accept Selina’s life because she’s a different person from you. Because her family, her friends—everyone who knows her—only knows her."

"...Yeah. Just because I ended up in her body doesn’t mean her past becomes mine."

"Right. But honestly, that’s not the real reason, is it? That’s just an excuse."

"It’s not."

She was talking about fear.

The fear of an undefined life.

The fear of making a decision I had never made before.

But I didn’t want to admit it.

Especially not to Eunji.

She wiped her tears against her sleeve, then flashed me a teasing grin, pointing a finger at me.

So free. So healthy.

She had never had such free hands before.

"Nope. That’s not it. I mean your real reason. Your deepest reason. Like—"

"When you were ten."

"Did you really try to kill me while I was sleeping?"

The air felt like it had been split open.

Not just her hands.

Her words, too, were free.

Too free.

It was like her tongue had learned how to box while I wasn’t looking.

I let my head fall back against the seat and closed my eyes.

This was definitely my hallucination.

Because when I was ten, Eunji was only two years old.

A child who had never known sweetness wouldn’t even understand that they were deprived of it.

But if they ever got a taste—

Even once—

Then even as they chewed on bitter grass to fill their stomach, they would remember that sweetness.

Would they buy more grass, if given money?

Or would they buy candy?

For a year and a half after I was adopted, I had been loved.

No—

I had been cherished.

A couple unable to conceive had decided to adopt.

They had planned to take in a baby, but when they visited the orphanage, they saw me—a seven-year-old child—and took me home instead.

They raised me as if I were their own.

Good clothes.

Good food.

Kind words.

A warm home.

I was no longer fighting for scraps in a crowded orphanage.

I had everything.

Back then, I had truly felt like a princess from a fairytale.

And every princess must face trials.

Snow White bit into a poisoned apple.

Cinderella lost her parents and was tormented by her stepfamily.

But this was not a fairytale.

In fairytales, trials end.

And happiness follows.

But in my life—

There were only trials.

Trial after trial after trial.

But as a child, I had still believed.

It’ll get better.

They’ll love me again.

The servant girl always becomes the princess again in the end.

So I smiled.

Even when I was scolded.

Even when I was hit.

Even when I was starved.

Even when I was locked in that freezing storage room, huddled in the dark.

Even when I cried.

I smiled.

Because the parents who had once loved me—

Had loved my smile.

I had believed that if I just smiled enough, they would love me again.

Like a fool.