I only wanted to kill a chicken, not split the heaven-Chapter 156: The Emperor’s Enlightened Committee
For the first time in history, the Imperial Court convened at noon — because, according to the new Doctrine of Idleness, "morning energy is for existing, not achieving."
The Emperor sat on his jade throne, looking surprisingly well-rested. "Today's agenda," he declared, "is to discuss the practical application of Li Ming's philosophy of balance."
Across the hall, officials yawned in reverent synchronization.
---
Li Ming stood beside Lan Yue, expression as calm as if he were at a tea ceremony instead of a royal summit.
Bai Guo sat on his shoulder, nibbling a ceremonial cookie.
"Why are they all half-asleep?" the bird whispered.
"They're cultivating serenity," Li Ming replied. "It's a form of advanced denial."
Lan Yue pinched the bridge of her nose. "You caused a national trend of unproductivity, and now they're making a committee to study it."
Li Ming smiled. "Progress."
---
A scholar in purple robes rose, his beard vibrating with self-importance.
"I, Grand Scribe Han, have conducted research into the Advisor's teachings. After six hours of deep contemplation—"
Bai Guo interrupted, "You mean six hours of napping with an open scroll."
The scholar ignored him. "—I have concluded that balance can be achieved through bureaucratic parity!"
Lan Yue blinked. "Meaning?"
He proudly held up a chart. "Every document approved must be matched by one rejected! For harmony!"
The Emperor stroked his chin. "Interesting. That would halve corruption."
Li Ming nodded. "And double efficiency — of confusion."
"Approved!" said the Emperor, clapping his hands.
Lan Yue whispered, "You're enabling them."
Li Ming sipped tea. "I'm balancing enthusiasm with disaster."
---
Next rose the Minister of Treasury, clutching scrolls so thick they had gravitational pull.
"Your Majesty! In accordance with the Way of Tranquil Disruption, we have simplified taxation!"
The Emperor perked up. "Oh?"
"Yes!" said the minister proudly. "All citizens now pay taxes according to their mood."
Li Ming raised an eyebrow. "Explain."
"If one feels generous — more taxes! If one feels poor — less! If one feels spiritually empty — exemption!"
Lan Yue muttered, "That's… emotional accounting."
The Emperor thought for a long moment, then smiled faintly. "At least it's honest."
Bai Guo squawked. "That's not honest, that's chaos!"
Li Ming nodded. "True. But balanced chaos is still harmony."
The Emperor clapped. "Approved!"
---
By this point, half the ministers were enthusiastically pitching new reforms, most of which could qualify as mild lunacy.
"Your Majesty!" shouted the Minister of War. "Inspired by the Advisor's wisdom, I propose replacing combat drills with contemplative sparring!"
The Emperor tilted his head. "Define contemplative."
The minister struck a pose mid-air and froze. "Like this. We just… think about hitting each other."
Lan Yue covered her face. "He invented nonviolent warfare."
Li Ming nodded seriously. "Efficient. No casualties. No wasted energy."
The Emperor, suppressing laughter, declared, "Approved — as long as someone writes a poem about it."
---
Meanwhile, the eunuch secretary leaned over to Li Ming and whispered nervously, "Advisor, His Majesty takes your words very seriously. Perhaps you should clarify your philosophy?"
Li Ming thought for a moment. "Clarify? That usually ruins it."
"Please," the eunuch begged, "just a summary. A few guiding words to help the nation understand your intent."
Li Ming nodded slowly, rose to his feet, and addressed the court.
"Your Majesty, esteemed ministers. Balance is not the absence of action — it is the art of measured reaction."
The scholars leaned forward, scribbling like mad.
He continued, "When the world moves too fast, you slow it. When it stalls, you push. When it blames you, you smile."
A stunned silence followed. Even the Emperor seemed impressed.
"That…" he said softly, "sounds profound."
Bai Guo whispered, "It also sounds like what he says before napping."
---
But then — a voice rang from the side.
It was the Minister of Justice, eyes gleaming with dangerous understanding.
"Your Majesty! If balance is measured reaction, then injustice must be answered with… equal injustice!"
Lan Yue froze. "Oh no."
The Emperor frowned. "You mean revenge?"
The minister bowed. "No, Your Majesty — administrative revenge! For every false imprisonment, we shall falsely release someone!"
The hall erupted.
Bai Guo screamed, "That's not balance! That's jailbreak math!"
Li Ming calmly sipped his tea. "Technically symmetrical."
Lan Yue hissed, "Do something!"
He set his cup down. "Minister," he said mildly, "true balance corrects without reversal.
Justice, when enlightened, does not mirror sin — it dissolves it."
The minister blinked, confused. "So… no mass release?"
"No," Li Ming said patiently. "But maybe shorter paperwork."
The Emperor nodded wisely. "Approved! The Doctrine of Concise Justice!"
Lan Yue groaned. "You just deregulated morality."
---
By the end of the meeting, the Imperial Court had passed twelve reforms, abolished four ceremonies, and accidentally founded a new philosophical sect.
The Emperor looked pleased. "Advisor Li, you've brought harmony through disorder. My empire feels… lighter."
Li Ming bowed. "Excess weight clogs the Dao."
Lan Yue muttered, "And reason clogs your followers."
Bai Guo tilted his head. "So, what now?"
Li Ming smiled faintly. "Now? I rest. A kingdom this balanced needs someone to tilt it again eventually."
---
That evening, the Emperor personally inscribed a plaque above the Hall of Reform:
> 'In Stillness, We Function.'
The next morning, no one showed up to work.
---
(Part-2)
The Imperial Palace was eerily quiet.
Servants lounged in courtyards doing "philosophical sunbathing."
Guards meditated at their posts — eyes closed, spears pointed vaguely skyward.
Even the royal pigeons were still, as if contemplating existence.
Lan Yue stood in the middle of the empty hall, holding a stack of unread memorials.
"Li Ming," she said flatly, "the Empire has stopped moving."
Li Ming nodded approvingly. "Good. Stillness is the essence of stability."
"Stillness?!" she snapped. "No one has cooked, cleaned, governed, or breathed loudly in twelve hours!"
Bai Guo fluttered down, landing on her head. "I think one minister achieved enlightenment through starvation."
"See?" Li Ming said. "Efficient cultivation."
Lan Yue threw a memorial scroll at him. "You broke the Empire!"
He picked up the scroll, glanced at it, and murmured, "Petition for emergency tea imports… ah, I see why Heaven tested them."
---
Just then, the Emperor entered — barefoot, wearing a simple robe, and radiating divine calm.
"Advisor Li," he said serenely, "I have attained great insight."
Li Ming bowed slightly. "Congratulations, Your Majesty. What did you perceive?"
The Emperor smiled. "Nothing matters."
Lan Yue paled. "Oh no. He's transcended responsibility."
Bai Guo whispered, "This is how dynasties end — peacefully."
The Emperor clasped Li Ming's shoulder. "Henceforth, I leave all governance to you. For one week. The Empire shall experience balance under your direct hand."
Lan Yue stared in horror. "You mean he is acting Emperor?!"
The Emperor nodded. "Indeed. I shall retire temporarily to meditate on the ceiling."
And then — he literally sat cross-legged on the ceiling, levitating by sheer spiritual serenity.
Bai Guo shrieked, "We're ruled by enlightenment now! We're doomed!"
---
By afternoon, the palace was chaos disguised as calm.
An envoy from the Western Frontier arrived, demanding trade negotiations.
The eunuchs bowed. "His Majesty is meditating."
"Then who's in charge?"
"Advisor Li."
"...The one who banned morning?"
Li Ming met the envoy over tea.
"I heard your kingdom wishes to trade steel for spirit stones?"
"Yes," said the envoy. "But our king insists the transaction reflect balance — equal weight and value."
Li Ming smiled. "Then we will trade one ingot of steel for one pebble of enlightenment."
The envoy frowned. "That's… not measurable."
"Precisely," Li Ming replied. "Balance transcends numbers."
The envoy nodded slowly, feeling deep meaning where none existed.
"You're a genius."
A contract was signed immediately.
Lan Yue read it later and screamed, "You traded philosophy for metal!"
"Then it's a fair exchange," Li Ming said, sipping tea.
---
Meanwhile, the Treasury had adopted the "mood tax" system in full swing.
The streets of the capital were filled with civil officers holding fans and asking random citizens,
"On a scale of gloomy to joyous, how taxable are you today?"
A merchant yelled, "I'm broke and depressed!"
The official nodded solemnly. "Emotional exemption granted."
Lan Yue stormed into the treasury office, where the Minister of Finance sat in lotus position surrounded by uncounted gold.
"What are you doing!?" she shouted.
The minister smiled serenely. "Redistributing wealth emotionally."
"Meaning?"
"Everyone who looks happy gets taxed. Everyone who looks sad gets paid."
Bai Guo landed on a gold bar. "This is the first economy powered by mood swings."
Li Ming glanced over the chaos and said calmly, "Actually, it's working. No rebellion. Everyone's too balanced to care."
Lan Yue buried her face in her hands. "This is spiritual communism!"
---
By the fifth day, balance had reached terrifying perfection.
No one fought, no one worked, no one disagreed — because everyone's opinions had merged into one:
"Let Li Ming handle it."
Courtiers worshipped him as Saint Equilibrium.
Someone even built a shrine — out of leftover bureaucratic forms.
Li Ming stared at it expressionlessly. "I never asked for worship."
Lan Yue muttered, "You didn't need to. You just broke logic until devotion seemed sane."
Bai Guo pecked a tablet. "They even wrote hymns. Look — 'The Dao is Lazy but Profound.'"
---
On the seventh day, the Emperor descended from the ceiling, glowing faintly with enlightenment.
"Advisor Li," he said softly, "I have observed from above. You have done well."
Li Ming bowed. "I merely preserved the illusion of control."
The Emperor smiled. "Exactly. And that is true rulership."
Lan Yue exhaled in relief. "So… everything goes back to normal?"
The Emperor nodded. "Indeed. Tomorrow, we resume regular governance."
"Finally," she sighed.
He added, "Except mornings. They remain abolished."
Lan Yue froze. "What?"
To be continued...
