Endless Debt-Chapter 864 - 14: A Good Beginning

Bologue reverted to that stern demeanor again, as if nothing could affect him, like a highly efficient, cold machine called an expert.

Aimou knew he wasn’t truly indifferent; on the contrary, Bologue was a sensitive guy.

She had heard Bologue tell the story of Adelle. He didn’t mention it often, nor was it detailed, but Aimou could see Bologue’s eyes light up when he talked about it.

Bologue rarely showed that soft side.

During the final farewell with Ewen, Aimou felt that a cold person wouldn’t have written such an ending, let alone choose to save themselves.

Aimou felt Bologue possessed intense emotions, but he wasn’t good at expressing them, so he always had a cold face, often using work and the role of an expert as excuses to free himself, like a seemingly dormant volcano.

Bologue maintained this attitude throughout his life until Ewen left a crack on his solid heart, and Bologue tried to widen the crack and eventually shatter the shackles.

After realizing this, Aimou suddenly understood that she could do something for Bologue.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t feign drunkenness.

Aimou thought, drunkenness is a good excuse for everyone to say things they usually can’t, but Aimou doesn’t drink, and neither does Bologue.

"Are you really refusing to drink because of the expert facade?"

Aimou squinted, carefully observing Bologue. Bologue didn’t understand why she suddenly brought this up and casually replied, "I drank for a while, but then I quit."

"When was that?"

"During my military service, I would drink whenever I had time, and sometimes take some psychoactive drugs," Bologue didn’t clearly state, "some stimulants, only then could we maintain high concentration for hours, and only then could we numb our fear of death."

"Then there was the first year of work, during which my mental state was terrible, but fortunately, it’s all in the past now."

"Aimou asked, "Hmm... do you refuse to drink because you’re afraid of showing a bad side of yourself?"

Bologue didn’t respond. He thought, maybe it’s hard for him to completely accept others, just like his resistance when Aimou mentioned trying Heart Overlapping Shadow.

It’s not that Bologue hates others; it’s more like... he dislikes himself. Bologue doesn’t have the courage to show his true self to others.

A noble person.

Such a thought flashed through Bologue’s mind, and even he didn’t understand how to become such a person. He could only put on layer after layer of shackles, unwilling to remove them even in front of close relatives.

"You give me a weird feeling, Bologue."

"In what way?"

"Sometimes you’re very passionate, sometimes very indifferent, making it hard for people to understand."

Aimou took a deep breath. If you want to conquer a high mountain, first you must have the courage to climb. She controlled her expression strongly and said, "It’s just... hot and cold, and I often feel like I might have upset you."

Bologue responded decisively, "No, you haven’t."

Aimou pressed on, "Then why is it like this?"

She had noticed Bologue’s change over time, but for Bologue, reaching his personal limits means just making jokes. Expecting him to take a step further without external intervention is a fantasy.

"Why..."

Bologue pondered deeply. Until now, he hadn’t realized the significance of his conversation with Aimou, treating it as a normal discussion, and started to think seriously.

About a minute later, Bologue spoke.

"Aimou, I’m not good at socializing."

Aimou anticipated what Bologue would say next.

"Communication between people is harder than I imagined. Compared to this, I’m better at speaking with a sword, but I also know that this is unavoidable, something I’ll have to try sooner or later."

Bologue paused as he spoke. He was surprisingly earnest about this issue, seriously considering each word but couldn’t come up with a precise answer.

"I don’t have many friends."

"Go on."

"So I care a lot about what you think. I try to present myself as perfectly as I can."

"But you’re not like that when you’re with Palmer."

Aimou glanced at the cheering Palmer, who had just achieved a miraculous result, excited like a gorilla that had won mating rights.

"Wasn’t I right? You’re relaxed when you’re with Palmer, saying random things, watching random movies together. Is it because you’re more accepting of him? Or is it that you don’t care about him, so you don’t care about his opinions either?"

Aimou tried to deepen the conversation, a sly look appearing in her gaze, like a little fox peeking out from the grass.

"No, it’s not that I don’t care about Palmer, it’s just that he doesn’t need me to take him seriously," Bologue said. "We’re friends. No matter how close we are, there’s always a distance between us, and that distance is not something that can be bridged. That’s Vasilina’s place."

Bologue was organizing his words, realizing he wasn’t very eloquent, a fact Aimou also noticed, wondering if she was being a bit excessive.

"A house where everyone lives in different rooms, when needed, they roll together in the living room; but when the door is closed, no one can break into your world — except the one you truly can accept."

"So?"

"So Palmer is my roommate, in every sense, getting along with him, I won’t worry about him intruding into my world."

Bologue said, glancing at Aimou, his brow furrowed, his eyes full of thoughts, and although he hadn’t been drinking, there was a look of drunken sorrow on his face.

"I don’t know how to treat you; I’m not good at socializing, let alone with the opposite sex."

"But you talk well with Belli too, don’t you?"

"Are you sure I talk well with her?"

If it weren’t necessary, Bologue would absolutely ignore Belli, even avoiding her if he happened to encounter her.

Seeing Bologue’s strong reaction, Aimou couldn’t help but smile, and then she teased, "Then why? Is it because you dislike her?"

"I wouldn’t say dislike."

"Then why can you coexist peacefully with her, but with me, you’re hot and cold?"

Without waiting for Bologue to answer, Aimou pressed on, "Does that mean I’m different to you?"

Bologue remained unfazed, speaking his mind without answering Aimou’s question.

"Sometimes, the more you care about something, the more worried you become about how the other person sees you, the more cautious you become, the more you want to present yourself as perfect."

Bologue countered, "You got very cautious before, what was that about? Was it the estrangement in our relationship? I thought we were already very familiar, practically brothers who had risked their lives together. So what are you concerned about?"

Bologue’s sudden counterattack caught Aimou off guard.

Just as Bologue had said, Aimou cared a lot about how Bologue viewed her, so she worked hard to learn, to improve, trying to show her value during critical actions, a similarity she now shared with Bologue.

Aimou was speechless, not knowing what to say; she looked calm on the surface, but her facial expressions were almost out of control.

The two were like scholars, seriously discussing strange topics.

Bologue didn’t explicitly say, but Aimou felt she got the answer she wanted; Bologue cared about her too, which is why he acted so oddly, hot and cold, because he’s also unsure how to proceed.

Indeed, Bologue seemed like an Undead, but when you calculate, he hasn’t even lived past thirty years, and most of that time has been spent fighting.

Bologue had been through a lot, his heart as hard as iron, but emotionally he’s barren as a desert. Even if seeds fall, he wouldn’t know how to nurture them.

Aimou hid her face in the shadows, feeling that continuing this topic might lead to losing control.

"You could be more interesting, Bologue, like in speech; don’t always be so cold, serious, and earnest."

Aimou sincerely suggested, feeling the previous exchange resembled listening to Bologue’s experiment report.

"I don’t like this, with no basis for a definite relationship, overly casual language makes me feel... feel..."

Bologue was momentarily at a loss for words to describe the feeling, and then he heard another cheer.

Serey slammed a foot on the table, loudly mocking Palmer, as he had been lucky all night, but finally met misfortune.

"I think I would become like Serey, I don’t want to be like that," Bologue said. "I have very high standards for myself."

Aimou said, "But without some bold moves, no matter how sincere you are, relationships can be difficult to continue to evolve, can’t they?"

Bologue fell silent, his expression unchanged throughout, but Aimou could see his trembling eyes, wandering around as if trying to escape.

For Bologue, this seemed like a difficult, unbreakable paradox.

Aimou fell silent too, after a long while she sighed deeply and reached out to pat Bologue’s shoulder.

"At least it’s a good start."