Earning the Love of a Princess-Chapter 197: Hide Your Tears

"If your brother had slain those men, no one would’ve judged him too harshly for it." William said.

Camilla shook her head. "I don’t think Malcolm would’ve gone through with it, despite how enraged he was. He treated violence as an absolute last resort. But he was also angry at me. He told me I must never put myself in situations where I was alone and couldn’t be protected."

"I can understand why he’d say that."

"Yes, I can too. Now at least, but not so much at the time. When he talked about how there would eventually be a day when I wouldn’t have my brothers around me...I thought he was being ridiculous." Camilla sighed. "I found myself thinking about his words a lot after I ended up in Islia."

William felt disgust when thinking about the poachers approaching a young girl with dishonourable intentions. Then again, hadn’t he stolen a kiss from the very same girl not long before that?

At the time, he’d never even wondered whether he’d scared or upset her with his actions. He’d been too self absorbed as a youth to give such things much thought. An overly confident young prince had simply seen a pretty girl he wanted to tease a bit, so he’d done as he pleased.

Now, Williams’s actions made him feel more than a little uncomfortable.

"Is all this...is this what it means to grow up being a girl? All this fear of the unknown?" he asked, hating the thought of having once added to her fear.

"Well, yes. But I think I’ve been luckier than many. There have been other times when my title has actually shielded me. Most men would rather protect their own necks rather than risk approaching a princess. Well, in Moraigth at least. I know that most men here still see me as some pagan whore with no morals."

It was on the tip of William’s tongue to say that wasn’t true, but he stopped himself. He couldn’t control others’ thoughts or actions.

"I can promise that I never thought of you that way. Not once, not even in your first days here." he whispered, brushing her cheek with the back of his hand.

"I know that." she murmured, eyes still downcast. "You were one of the very few men here I actually felt fairly safe around. You were always so cold and distant, that I trusted you not to cause me harm. Isn’t that funny?"

William chuckled, thinking back to that first year Camilla had been in Islia and the whirl of emotions she’d drawn from him from the very start, without even trying. The enthralment, frustration, stifled desire and sheer, stunned awe that the Princess of Moraigth had made him feel. As if she were far too perfect a being for the likes of him.

When they’d finally been able to wed, he’d vowed to protect her and he’d meant it.

"You are the most beautiful, precious creature ever created." William’s voice came out rather gruff. "Far more than a careless bastard like me deserves. But since I’m lucky enough to have you, I want to always make you feel loved and safe. And if I ever say anything that makes you feel otherwise, then promise you’ll tell me."

He felt her nod.

"But for fuck’s sake, be sure to tell me right away! Don’t give me the silent treatment like that again. Today was brutal."

Camilla gave a disbelieving little huff.

"I’m not exaggerating!" William assured her. "I’ve had the worst day, you literally made me spend hours sick with worry when you disappeared."

Camilla laughed, then dropped her head to press against his shoulder. "Where exactly did you think I was going to go? It’s not like I can just leave the palace and go traipsing through the swamps."

"I don’t know! I just...I can’t believe I never thought to look for you in the goddamn library." William tightened his arms around her back, relieved she was no longer keeping her distance from him.

Camilla eventually pulled her head back from his shoulder and looked him in the eye. Her solemn expression made his pulse thump nervously. Now what was wrong?

"Does this mean I can finally have my pillow back?"

"Fuck, woman! You scared me again!" William grabbed the pillow from behind him and started attacking her with it, laughing at her shrieks.

He then quickly undressed, climbed under the blankets and pulled her to his side. This time, she came willingly and draped her arm across his waist.

"Last night I slept terribly as well. It was the loneliest feeling to not be in your arms." William buried his face in her hair. "Don’t ever leave me like that again."

"Then don’t make me have to spend the whole day in the library again." Camilla snuggled up against him as her fingers stroked his belly, sending warm little sparks across his body.

"I promise I won’t." He kissed her temple. "You can’t now anyway, since I know that’s your hiding place."

- - -

The following morning, Camilla sat in a plush armchair, gently rocking Malcolm to try and calm him down. The baby wriggled and babbled nonstop, as if determined to not give into napping.

Camilla’s eyes drifted mindlessly across the half-packed nursery. In only three days, the entire court was departing from Westerhaven and journeying north. Three days after that, William and her would be breaking away from the spring progress and veering east towards the Marquessate of Niarnol. Even though she knew they’d be reunited with the court again at Magdaline Castle before the end of the month, the thought of being separated from her child made Camilla feel unbearably sad.

She rubbed the baby’s back and pressed her cheek against the top of his head, breathing in his heavenly scent. She often found herself wishing he could remain little forever. Instead, Malcolm seemed to grow bigger and more active by the day. Now that he was no longer required to remain swaddled to a wooden board, he was constantly rolling and kicking his sturdy little legs. The wet nurse had even recently pointed out the first two teeth starting to pierce through his gums.

Soon, he’ll grow too heavy for me to pick up, she thought. And after that, he’ll consider himself too old to sit on my lap.

Was that what motherhood meant - each milestone reached would be a cause for both celebration and grief?

Hearing faint footsteps approaching, Camilla shook off her melancholy thoughts. She hastily dried her eyes and made sure she was looking calm and composed. A few moments later, William entered the nursery.

"I thought I might find you here, given I’ve already scoured the library from top to bottom." he grinned.

Camilla laughed as she stood up with the baby in her arms, who cooed with excitement at seeing his father. As she passed him over to William, Malcolm’s eyes were drawn to the gold buttons at his collar. He immediately started trying to grab them with a plump little fist.

"I thought I might interest you in a short walk. I have an hour before I have to meet the steward that will be accompanying us to Niarnol." William said.

Camilla nodded. "I’d like that. It’s time for Malcolm to have a nap anyway." 𝕗𝐫𝚎𝗲𝘄𝐞𝕓𝐧𝕠𝘃𝕖𝐥.𝐜𝚘𝚖

William chuckled and looked down at the baby who kept eagerly trying to pull off the gold buttons, a look of concentration on his little face. "Is that so? Good luck to the nurses trying to get him to sleep. I don’t see it happening."

Giving Malcolm an affectionate pat before handing him over to a nurse, William slid his arm around Camilla’s waist as the two walked out of the nursery.

The strolled in comfortable silence for a while. Finally, William asked, "So, are you going to tell me, my dear?"

"Tell you what?"

"What it is that was making you cry before I entered the nursery?" William tickled her waist.

Camilla drew back and stared up at him agog for a moment, then scowled. "We’ve grown to know each other too well." she muttered sulkily. "We should probably end things between us."

"You say the silliest things sometimes." laughed William, then bent her backwards over his arm and kissed her. "You’ll never be allowed to divorce me, nor I you. We’re bound together until death. Isn’t that the most wonderful thing?"

Camilla tried to wriggle to an upright position but William wouldn’t let her, peppering her face with kisses instead. "Well then, you’d better treat me well, husband, or you’ll wish for death to come for you sooner."

Still laughing, William pulled her upright. Camilla turned to face the shadow she’d noticed out of the corner of her eye.

It was King Edward, looking visibly pained with embarrassment.

William shrugged, then bobbed a bow to his uncle.

Camilla closed her eyes as she bowed, unsure if shame had ever killed anyone before, or if she’d be its first victim.