Earning the Love of a Princess-Chapter 171: Own Up

20 August, 1360. Westerhaven Palace, Islia

William leaned against a stone pillar as he looked vacantly across the western gardens, which seemed to almost shimmer in the afternoon heat. Unlike the beautifully manicured gardens of Magdaline Castle, the greenery in the south was lush and wild. The fierce sun and the heady scent of so many exotic blooms were making him feel dizzy.

William had never felt so utterly alone as he had these last couple of weeks.

The loneliness reminded him of his life before Camilla had been part of it. Back then, he had schooled himself to bury all of his fears and his unhappiness so deep inside himself, that he could almost forget about them sometimes. It had taken him a long time to fight that instinct and accept his emotions. It was still an ongoing struggle.

Now, the one person in the world that he’d normally confide in, who could always comfort him, was out of his reach. William knew that was his fault - he’d built the walls between them. But as much as he truly wanted to tear them down, he couldn’t get past the sense of bitter betrayal.

Everyone seemed to think the two of them having a baby was a grand idea. No one seemed to understand why he wasn’t exultant. What’s more, no one seemed interested in asking him why. It as as if his views and his fears didn’t really matter. 𝗳𝚛𝗲𝕖𝚠𝚎𝚋𝗻𝗼𝕧𝗲𝐥.𝚌𝚘𝐦

What was worse, everyone was behaving as if his reaction to the imminent child was a complete disappointment.

Especially her. And yet, he missed Camilla desperately.

Fuck, I truly miss her, William thought. Even though I’m furious with her, being without her feels like being stabbed in the goddamn heart every day.

He began walking slowly down one of the colonnades that bordered the gardens, to head back to his current bedchamber. It would be another silent, uncomfortable dinner at the royal high table, followed by another night of broken sleep in the guest room he’d taken to using.

Looking up, he suddenly saw Lady Taunsen walking in his direction.

Fuck.

William was in no mood for confrontation. He briefly thought about ducking through the nearest doorway before she saw him, to avoid crossing paths-

Too late. Her eyes were on him. William groaned inwardly and prayed she’d just greet him and let him go about his business uninterrupted.

He was feeling more and more like a hunted animal as the days went by, the arrows of everyone’s displeasure flying at him from all directions. Ladies Meg and Katerine glared whenever they ran into him. Princess Blanche had been treating him coldly for over a week. So had the queen. Even Princess Violet - who was supposed to hate Camilla! - had whispered to him at last night’s dinner that he needed to get over his little fit of pique and start acting like a proper father.

In the past, William had always found sanctuary in Tession’s quarters from whatever he wished to escape his troubles. Ever since he’d been a small boy, the old healer’s cluttered rooms had been an island of peace. Even if Tession hadn’t agreed with whatever William was doing or thinking, he’d always done his best to listen and advise without judgment.

But now, even that refuge had now been taken away from him. Tession had told him point blank that he was appalled by his immaturity. William hadn’t dared to go back to see the old man after that, wishing to avoid another lecture.

Did no one try to see the matter from his point of view? That a monumental change was being forced into his life, one he’d never asked for? Did no one stop to think about how shocked and scared he was about having to be responsible for another living creature?

Was he just expected to swallow his fears and plough on as if unbothered, simply because he was a man?

Lady Taunsen swept past William with a curt bow and nod. William gave her a polite smile and kept walking, relieved that she hadn’t spoken.

"My lord..."

Luck truly isn’t on my side these days, William thought to himself with a scowl. But by some miracle, he managed to keep his voice relatively even as he replied, "Yes, Lady Taunsen?"

"How much longer do you intend to ignore your wife?"

William froze is his steps. Refusing to turn around to face the lady, he replied through gritted teeth, "I wasn’t aware that was any of your business. I don’t believe any part of my marriage is your business, actually." He started walking again.

There was a rustle of skirts behind him, then Lady Taunsen swerved right in front of him, blocking his path unless he physically shoved her out of the way.

Both of them knew he wasn’t going to do that.

William stared down resentfully at the woman, hoping to intimidate her enough that she’d let him walk past her. She stared right back however and held her ground, clearly feeling righteous in her anger.

"My lord, if you’ve fallen out of love with the princess, don’t you think it’s only fair that you tell her that?"

William glowered. Is that what Camilla thought? That he’d simply fallen out of love, instead of being deeply, deeply wounded by her?

"That isn’t true, Lady Taunsen. Camilla should know that." he replied as calmly as possible.

"Then why are you treating her as if you no longer love her?" she challenged. "She knows nothing about how you feel, given you’ve been ignoring her since your return from battle and spending all your nights in that empty guest chamber by the king’s library."

"Wait...what?" William felt his jaw drop. "You know? I mean...but how did you know-?"

"Please, my lord." Lady Taunsen rolled her eyes in a way that made him feel like a total imbecile. "If the servants are willing to share information with you, you never stopped to think that they’d also be willing to share information about you?"

William felt himself swallowing repeatedly as her stare burned through him.

"Don’t you think you’re being unfair to the woman who is carrying your child, by neglecting her this way?"

He replied to her in a clipped voice. "You all know very well that I never wanted nor asked for a child."

"Your Highness!" the lady snapped back, in a tone of voice William considered quite unsuitable for a noblewoman to use on a royal prince. She was clearly through with being deferential. "At this point, it really doesn’t matter if you asked for it or not. A child is coming, regardless. Can we at least agree on that?"

"Yes, but-"

"No buts!" Lady Taunsen cut him off sharply, to his astonishment. "If you were so determined to avoid fatherhood, perhaps you should’ve avoided lying with your wife."

"What the hell did you just say?" William’s tone rose to a growl at both her nerve and her preposterous suggestion.

She continued, quite undeterred. "Whether you like it or not, you fathered that baby. And I’m going to assume that as with most men, you liked that part." Lady Taunsen smiled cynically, then continued. "And now, whether you like it or not, you must help raise that baby. She didn’t end up in that state all by herself! To abandon your wife that you supposedly still love when she’s scared and she needs you the most...well, I thought you were a better man than that, my lord."

William felt like she’d struck him on the back of the head. He simply stared at her, unable to reply or even breathe.

"I hope you’re able to own up to your responsibilities soon, Your Highness." Lady Taunsen said softly. "While your wife is still willing to forgive you." With the last words muttered under her breath, she bowed and walked away.

William could only stand there in the corridor, unable to make a sound. The lady’s words had made him feel sick with self loathing.

- - -

He eventually walked back towards their shared apartments and peered quietly into the bedchamber, Lady Taunsen’s accusing words still ringing in his ears.

He saw Camilla asleep on their bed, laying on her side and looking like a rosy cheeked angel with her hair spread across the pillow. William remembered what it had been like to bury his face in the glossy abundance of her hair and revel in the scent of lush peaches.

Even in her slumber, her arm was wrapped protectively around her belly, cradling it. William couldn’t understand why that simple gesture made him feel so peevish and jealous, but it did. He stepped back and silently closed the heavy door again.

He didn’t want to wake Camilla if she needed to rest. But more accurately, William wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. He knew he was still full of hurt and resentment - he didn’t want the conversation to dissolve into angry recriminations yet again and that’s exactly what he feared would end up happening.

Better to hold off conversation just a little bit longer, he told himself, to avoid making things worse by saying words he’d later regret. He walked away slowly, back in the direction of the eastern wing.