Antagonist Protection Service-Chapter 94: Introspection

The days I spent at home were tranquil.

Synonymous with that, however, I guess you could also say it was boring.

Until I returned to university, I decided to refrain from taking even a glimpse at the list of available Contracts, to give myself a proper break from it all, so although I had visited the Library a number of times and spoken with the Librarian casually, there were many buried desires in my heart which had gone untended during this time.

For that reason, the thought of taking a Contract never left my mind for even a second. That's part of the reason why I feel so conflicted internally.

For my soul, being home was healing.

For my heart, it was torture.

Ever since returning from Drakon-Rasa, I had somewhat returned to the previous habit of passing time through the usage of videogames, but for some reason, I still had yet to be as enthusiastic about it as I used to.

Whether I played for a short time or a long time. Whether I played a Role Playing Game, a Strategy Game, or a First-Person Shooter. Whether I achieved victory or defeat.

No matter what, it was not enough.

As if there was something inside that could not be satisfied, I, conversely, only found myself to be growing increasingly irritated. As if there was an itch that refused to be reached.

And whenever I thought like that, that ever-present chill pulsed even stronger.

Right at the core of my heart, that which bore an unforgiving frostbite, it remained unwavering.

It was, just, agonising―not because of the wintry numbing or frigid pangs which I had long grown accustomed to tolerating, but rather the ceaseless, insufferable sensation that lay at the bottom of it all, like a stiffness of the heart itself.

Perhaps, was it like a muscle cramp, just in the heart, and then exponentiated by countless orders of magnitude? Although, the heart was also a muscle, so maybe saying that was a bit redundant. Anyway, I don't know if that's an accurate way to put it, but regardless.

It hurt.

And it was as much a metaphorical, intangible affliction as it was literal.

It permeated my mind, and I simply couldn't tell. Was this, as well, merely a side-effect of Professionalism?

Or was it just... how I had always been?

At this point, I found it difficult to remember.

A silent electrification that fills my mind; an insurmountable ecstasy that courses through my veins, that fills my soul with unmatched gratification―that, too, was part of the reason why I wanted to wait so long before taking on another Contract.

That night, under the Bloodthirsty Winter Full Moon that warded off even the Father of the Holy Sun.

A night of sheer cold, just like right now.

For but a moment, as if that ice had thawed, I flooded with warmth. And then, immediately resuming, washing away that transient dream, a flash-frozen heart beat once more in my chest.

Being self-aware was only the first step, and even still. It's dangerous.

Rapid growth, sudden surges of accomplishment, dreamt rewards, continuous praise, the solving of a puzzle―――murder. The exhilaration that came with it all.

My tongue itched with lies; my chest with forbidden desire.

Part of me knew it was bad, perhaps even something dangerous to continue to indulge.

Another felt it was the only path to take... or maybe it just relished in the newfound freedom.

Tomorrow, when I returned, I would again face that battle. Alas, the one confidante I had... the Librarian didn't see the plight I saw. Despite appearances, I was sure she wasn't entirely human, so that was understandable. Though it isn't like that was entirely innocuous either.

Regardless, I would pave the path without obstacle. Rather, I would ensure that whatever path I trekked, all obstacles would be overcome.

That wasn't a vow, because there was no other way it could go from the beginning. Simply, it was just that.

The way things are.

The way things will be.

"..."

Leaning back in my seat on this wood-and-plastic garden chair, I gazed up to the infinite void that was the night sky, my exhale causing a faint mist to flash in and out of existence.

The Augury Tower was not visible from where I sat.

In such a way, the sight before me resembled those nights even more.

In my ears, which were plugged bilaterally with wireless earbuds, a familiar sound resounded.

With delicate key presses, the stirring notes of an instrument I had come to associate with that gilded place, a touch of strings included, and something mysterious welled up within me, a muddied sense of complication.

On this occasion, the orbital crescent gleamed brilliantly, albeit seemingly without enthusiasm. It was no wonder, but I was sure that such an illusion was perceived by only my own eyes, which had already witnessed something far greater.

Now that I think about it, that sentiment was the same from the beginning.

...A month had passed since I returned from Drakon-Rasa.

On that night, I did something reprehensible.

"Librarian."

[Certainly! I am always present if you find yourself in need of assistance, Enki!]

Her same-old eagerness to help, and that plainly unhateable, amiable attitude. Even if she was really, really stupid sometimes―acting like someone who was utterly clueless of what was going on―it was nevertheless heartwarming.

Purely metaphorically speaking, of course.

"Do you think... what I did was wrong?"

Between us, further specification on what I was talking about――was unneeded.

She would not take any extra time to pick up what I was asking, of course, because I had already enquired her opinion before, and more than once in fact.

Of course, regardless of what the answer was, I would not feel guilt, regret, or any sort of remorse. Doing something like that would truly be the pinnacle of self-indulgence and pity, for a start, and at this point, incredibly stupid.

Just, I wanted to know. From an another's perspective, how were the optics...

[Mmm... I suppose...]

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"..."

As her voice, which was surprisingly measured on this night, began to resound thoughtfully in my mind, I gave an involuntary gulp.

[Magnicide-- or rather, assassination as a whole is considered wrong by humanity, correct? Thus, in a sense, perhaps that situation could be judged as such when observing from a surface level...]

In other words, it really was--

[However, personally, I would disagree! The act of removing the slob crown prince from his position to make room for another, more capable individual, is an objectively positive sacrifice, I would say so, absolutely. Or would you disagree―that such a presupposition is incorrect?]

"...I wouldn't necessarily disagree."

[Certainly! Although the former is deceased by your hands, could solidifying the future of the empire be considered a heavier side of the scale? I do also believe so, in fact. Hence, I would indeed declare―]

"..."

[―Fret not. It is certain that no wrong was committed by your hands, Enki.]

For a while, I maintained the taciturn atmosphere. Simply, no words came to mind, and I didn't particularly feel like saying anything in response anyway.

All I could do was sit there in reflection, that old-style music echoing in my ears once again as I felt the numb, night-time breeze brush against my skin.

Enduring that chill from both the outside, and the inside.