America 1982-Chapter 473 - 87: Jeff’s Speech_3

"I’ve decided to write my own speech, so don’t worry about it being too long," Tommy began. "I absolutely won’t say ’I’ll try to keep this short to leave time for you to write checks to support me’—that crap politicians think is funny. I know all politicians start their speeches with that joke, but for the life of me, I can’t see what’s funny about it?"

"And those guys never keep it short, either. They always go on and on for an hour or two. Fuck that, an hour or two! He might as well go home and lick his own wife. If he could lick his wife for two hours, I guarantee she would definitely love him more. But blabbering for an hour or two? No one here is going to fall in love with him for that."

"An hour or two of speech boils down to nothing more than starting with the promise of keeping it short, then rambling about their dreams and grand ambitions, and ending with ’God bless America.’"

"Truth be told, it can be summed up in one sentence: give me your cash and votes, I’m heading to Washington! A politician in a suit worth thousands of dollars, wearing a diamond watch worth tens of thousands, bamboozling a bunch of poor saps who can’t even afford a bottle of whiskey into giving him money for a ticket to Washington—fuck that, I’d rather buy a ticket to your house and screw your lonely wife, who you’ve left behind because you’re off to Washington."

"Actually, that might be a bit off. I’ve heard that just paying for a ticket probably won’t cut it, but if you’re willing to donate $500,000 to those politicians, you can definitely screw their wives. Throw in an extra $200,000, and you can screw their sister-in-law at the same time. I see some people getting excited—stay cool, gentlemen. If you do donate $500,000 to a politician for them, I guarantee it will be the most horrifying experience of your life. After all, those women’s boobs hang so low, they’re damn closer to the ground than your limp dicks."

Laughter filled the room once again, even accompanied by whistles and applause.

However, the manager of the veterans home, who was listening to Jeff’s speech by the doorway, furrowed his brow and turned to Tommy, who had bartered half an hour of Jeff’s speech in exchange for some food donations:

"Are you sure he’s here for a fundraising speech, not some crude, vulgar stand-up comedy tour? Those words are really hard to hear."

"A good speech is supposed to be humorous, to make people laugh out loud," Tommy said earnestly. "Do you want these old veterans to sit through two hours of Jeff’s ’Meditations’? Trust me, just ten minutes of that, and at least half of the old soldiers would want to find a gun to blow Jeff’s head off."

"So, you think a good speech is about telling the audience lewd, vulgar jokes, suggesting that a $500,000 donation gets you the right to sleep with politicians’ wives?" the manager said discontentedly to Tommy. "I should have checked your prepared materials before agreeing."

Tommy took out a cigarette, lit it up, and then said, "It’s no joke. I have a friend named Stephen who personally told me this. He and his family’s foundation donate about five million to the Democratic Party every year to support various Democratic congressmen. He calls that money ’whore money.’ He’s not even thirty yet and has already slept with seventeen wives or girlfriends of congressmen who hoped he’d give more donations. He once gave an extra $200,000 to a California state congressman, and that congressman’s wife and sister, to show their gratitude, kept him company for a night, talking about democracy and freedom."

"You’re kidding! That’s impossible!" said the manager with certainty, but his expression revealed a sense of eagerness.

As Tommy and the manager delved deeper into the topic of sleeping rights with the candidates’ wives in exchange for donations, Jeff was increasing his volume on the podium:

"I want to say, fuck the keep it short, fuck the grand ambitions, fuck God bless America! All that is bullshit! I don’t understand these self-righteous politicians. Are they high or something? Who do they think they’re talking to?"

"No one here knows better about short speeches than these guys! Because their entire professional careers have always boiled down to one phrase: ’Yes Sir!’"

"No one here knows better about grand ambitions! Because their very careers are the best interpretation of grand ambitions!"

"Fuck that. Do we need those politicians to tell us these things? I’d rather shoot myself in the head than listen to those quacks yammering in my ear!" 𝒇𝙧𝙚𝓮𝙬𝙚𝓫𝒏𝓸𝓿𝓮𝒍.𝓬𝙤𝓶

"When the country needed us soldiers, the newspapers called us the nation’s strongest cornerstone. When we brought peace, the newspapers labeled us numb, indifferent, nothing but drunks and drug addicts waiting for death or already dead... Fuck that!"

"It was these very old soldiers, called drunks and junkies waiting for death, who decades ago kept those who can now insult them at will from being stuffed into crematoriums by the likes of Hitler or Stalin, or even Churchill. It’s because of the old soldiers that those scattered refugees from various countries were able to seek shelter here. Because of the old soldiers, they weren’t killed by Hitler or Stalin or even Churchill. And now, the descendants of those survivors start to insult the great protectors of this country, calling them fucking drunks, junkies, executioners, psychopaths, a menace to social security, a stumbling block on the road to peace!"